Child Not Succeeding? 3 Things to Do

In our world, there is a nasty myth that children are bad. That children are choosing not to succeed. 

And this myth is damaging, because it leads us (and teachers and other parents and grandparents) to assign moral failings to our children:

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Failing a class? “Well, they aren’t motivated.”

Not doing chores? “They’re lazy.”

Pestering siblings? “They’re mean.”

Crying over something small? “They’re spoiled.”

But the truth is that children do well when they can. If they aren’t doing well, something is getting in the way. They aren’t bad.

{Read more: The Myth About Children That Is Hurting Them}

We can do better, and fortunately, it’s not too hard! Read on for three things to do if your child isn’t succeeding.

Keep in mind that if your child isn’t succeeding, it’s not because they don’t want to.

The Analogy of the Broken Bone

A few years ago my daughter fell at the playground and broke her arm. 

Three things happened in this story that compare to what we can do with our children when they aren’t succeeding.

1. First, I immediately knew something was wrong.
   
   I didn’t blame her for breaking her bone, or for her reactions. I didn’t point at her bone and say, “Why did you do this?”
   
   And you wouldn’t have either.
   
   In fact, I went into crisis mode.
   
2. I got a clear picture of the problem.
   
   Knowing we had a serious problem, I took her to the hospital where an X-ray was performed by a professional to get a clear image of what was wrong and how to repair the damage.
   
3. I soothed the immediate pain.
   
   The hospital gave us a sling so she could support her broken arm. She took medication to ease the pain. And I propped up her arm so she could sleep semi-comfortably.

Remember this broken bone analogy when your child is not succeeding. Here’s how.

1. Recognize Something Is Wrong

Remember — your child wants to succeed. So if they’re messing up anywhere, we start with number 1: We realize they are struggling. Remember, it was not my daughter’s fault she broke her arm. She didn’t do it on purpose. Immediately when I saw the problem, I went into crisis mode to solve it and get the help we need. 

There was no blame.

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It could be that your child is not succeeding in school.

Or maybe they’re not succeeding in keeping their temper in control. Maybe your toddler has a big meltdown because they were given a cup in a color they didn’t want. They aren’t succeeding at managing their emotions in that moment.

Maybe your child can’t keep their room clean, talks back, hits their sibling, or ignores you. These are all examples of when your child is not succeeding.

When your child is having a meltdown, refusing to clean their room, failing a class, having friendship troubles, or drinking, step 1 is to recognize you have a problem.

Don’t blame. They’re not messing up to be bad.

Understand this is a real challenge.

2. Get a Clear Picture of the Problem

Your next step is to go deeper. Figure out what’s really happening here. In step 1, you realized your child is struggling, NOT that they are morally wrong in some way.

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Now in step 2, you go beneath the surface for a clear picture.

You get the X-ray so you can see exactly what you’re dealing with.

Let’s go back to the toddler cup problem. When your child throws a cup across the room, you can clearly see that something is not right in their environment. You can recognize that they are melting down over the cup because they’re tired, hungry, or need a hug.

If your child has poor grades, this is the point where you talk to the teacher, look at your child’s homework environment, ask questions, and figure out where the disconnect is happening. You can see a therapist or doctor if you realize there’s an attention issue going on.

If your child is hitting their sibling, get a clearer picture. Is this a one-time thing? Or is it a chronic problem? If it’s a momentary thing that only happens occasionally, then there’s something wrong with the current situation. If they’re hitting 100 times a day, something serious and chronic is happening, and it’s time for professional help.

3. Support Your Child in This Moment — and Beyond

In step 1, you recognized your child is having a hard time. They aren’t being bad. (They didn’t break their bone on purpose.) In step 2, you got a clear picture of the deeper issues. (You looked under the surface with an X-ray and possibly professional help.)

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Now it’s time to provide the supports you now recognize your child needs.

If the arm is broken, your child needs a sling to support their arm and medication to help with the immediate pain.

In our toddler cup example, you recognized in step 1 that your child isn’t bad. In step 2, you saw they were hungry and needed a hug.

Now in step 3, you give them that hug and then feed them! No need for punishment.

In our poor grades example, you recognized your child wasn’t lazy. You talked with the teacher or examined your child’s study environment. Now, you implement the solutions that will help. You continue to check in with teachers, you check homework, you create a system that makes sense to your child.

You don’t punish, because remember — if they could succeed, they would. If they’re not succeeding, punishments won’t change their abilities. In this step, you’re giving them the supports they need to be successful.

In our extreme hitting example, you recognized in step 1 that something serious was happening — your child is not a brat. You got professional help in step 2. Now in step 3, you’re implementing what you’ve learned from your therapist. You’re conducting your own research. You’re looking for supports.

Remember, your child’s challenges are as legitimate as a broken bone. (Yes, even the toddler melting down over the wrong color sippy cup.)

Summary of the Three Steps to Help Your Child Succeed

Keep the broken bone in mind as you go through these three steps to help your child succeed.

1. Just like you wouldn’t blame your child for a broken bone, don’t blame your child for a meltdown, poor grades, or even hitting. Instead, recognize they’re having a real problem and they would succeed if they could.
   
2. Get a clear picture. Just as you would get an X-ray for a broken bone, look under the surface to figure out what’s really going on with the meltdown, poor grades, violent behavior, or something else. Get professional help if you need it.
   
3. Provide relief and healing. Just as you would get your child a sling and medication for a broken bone, give your child the supports and relief they need to do better in their situation.

Want to understand your child on a deeper level? My back-and-forth journal is designed to help you and your child answer both fun and thoughtful questions in a stress-free way so that you can strengthen your relationship.

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