Podcast Transcript #21: How to Have Realistic Expectations of Your Kids
Hello, and welcome to Pause and Connect. I’m Rebecca Brown Wright, and this is episode 21, called “How to Have Realistic Expectations of Your Kids.”
I came upon an old note I had written to my oldest child’s kindergarten teacher. In the note, I had asked the teacher to please stop accepting my daughter’s work if it had errors. You see, my daughter was writing some of her letters backwards. I knew she knew how to write them the correct way, and so I was baffled as to why her teacher was ignoring this!
The teacher told me this was all normal; that even when kids know how to write their letters correctly, they don’t always do it consistently as 5-year-olds.
Now that I’ve raised three 5-year-olds and I’ve volunteered in each of their classrooms, I have a better perspective. I was expecting too much of my daughter for her age and stage.
And that’s kind of the way it goes for our oldest kids, isn’t it? We don’t have anything to compare them to, so we tend to expect quite a bit from them. After all, they’re walking/talking/eating children. Can’t they remember to put their dish in the dishwasher without a reminder?
I know I’m still probably doing this to my oldest child as she arrives at each new age and stage of her life. But I think I’m getting better.
Because I’ve changed my mindset. And that’s what this episode is about. We need to change our mindsets to accept that our kids are going to mess up. They’re impulsive, emotional, and forgetful. And even though they can often do what’s expected of them, that doesn’t mean they always will. Heck, us adults are still impulsive, emotional, and forgetful. And we’re inconsistent with the way we live our lives. So we shouldn’t expect our children to always make the right choices, follow our directions, and never make mistakes.
How to Have Realistic Expectations of Your Kids
Dr. Ross Greene teaches that kids do well when they can. When I stumbled upon that phrase in his book “The Explosive Child,” I was really struggling as a parent. You can imagine so, if I was reading a book called “The Explosive Child.” Explosive was an incredibly accurate description of my child, myself, and our home.
My child was difficult to manage, had explosive emotions, and truly made me fearful for our future. So I parented from fear, which made me explosive in response. I wanted my child to be fixed. That’s what I was looking for.
But when I stumbled on that phrase, “Children do well when they can,” my whole perspective shifted. I realized my child didn’t need to be fixed. My mindset did. I needed to understand that if my child was arguing, defying, forgetting, lying, and destroying things, it was because that was the best they could do in that moment. Because children do well when they can. So if they aren’t doing well, something is getting in the way.
And then it’s my job as a parent to see that and then work collaboratively and compassionately to find a solution, teach my child skills, nurture whatever is hurting, improve our relationship, and see my child as someone who is in progress — not someone who already knows what to do and is choosing to do the opposite.
I thought my child’s crying and whining was used as a manipulation tactic. Or that they were being defiant on purpose. I thought my child yelled and screamed to get their way.
But with the framing of “Kids do well when they can,” it allowed me to accept that kids mess up and they don’t always have the tools they need in the moment.
Isn’t that freeing? I found it to be.
Here are seven wonderful results of adopting this mentality that kids are going to mess up, that kids do well when they can, and you don’t have to expect perfection.
1. It’s Easier to Find Forgiveness
Our kids do frustrating things. It’s just a fact of life. And we’re human, so we get annoyed by those frustrating things. We get angry and feel resentment. And all of that is normal.
But of course, it isn’t enjoyable, is it? And we don’t feel good when we have those feelings.
One helpful side effect of adopting the mentality that kids are going to mess up and that they’re doing as best as they can is that when those angry, resentful feelings wiggle into your space, it’s easier to work through them and move on. Because you know that your child is doing the best they can. You expected them to make a mistake.
You expected they might fall apart at some point today, so when they grab a toy from their sibling and throw it across the room, you’re already mentally prepared for that scenario. Of course, it’s not enjoyable! And you might feel resentful. But the mere fact that you know this is developmentally appropriate — that your child isn’t able to access all their skills right now and that’s the way they were designed to be at this point in their life — that can help you re-center and forgive your child for their behavior.
2. You Can Problem-Solve Instead of Moralize
When I say moralize, I’m talking about how we tend to think our kids are lacking in character when they mess up. For example, maybe they tell a lie, and we jump immediately to how they’re so dishonest. Or they won’t share their toys, and we think of them as selfish or greedy. We assign moral failings to them.
But when you know your child isn’t going to make the right decision every time, and you know this is because they’re lacking in skills, you don’t have to moralize. You can say, “Kids do well when they can,” and then ask yourself why they aren’t doing well in this moment. Maybe they’re hungry, tired, or lonely. They might be in a situation that is demanding skills they haven’t developed yet. Maybe they had a bad day.
There are thousands of maybes. But the point is, when you know your child will make mistakes, you don’t end up moralizing their behavior. You can then problem solve, because you recognize they’re lacking a skill. And you can say to yourself, “How can I help my child develop this skill? How can I help my child be successful?” That’s a whole lot more productive than feeling frustrated and annoyed when you think your child is a brat, selfish, lazy, or any number of things.
3. You Can Set up A Successful Environment
When you have this mentality — that kids mess up and they do well when they can — you get a bigger picture of your child. You learn where they struggle and you learn where they excel. So then you can take that information and set up your child’s environment so that they can be more successful more often.
For example, if your child seems to always have a meltdown when you go grocery shopping, instead of moralizing and saying your child is a brat or selfish, you can recognize that something about grocery shopping is difficult for your child.
You can get curious and ask what that might be. Are they overstimulated? Do you go during naptime or snack time? Do you take a long time and they get bored? Once you figure this out, you can change how you do grocery shopping. Let them wear a hoodie to filter out some of the stimulation, change the time you go, bring a snack, get a more organized system so you’re faster, give your child a list of their own so they’re engaged and don’t get bored, go at a time when you don’t have to take your kids, use grocery pickup, and on.
But see? By having the mentality that kids do well when they can, you’re equipped to make things run smoothly. You don’t blame your child for their struggles. You recognize the struggles as struggles, and then you work around them or with them.
And this isn’t coddling your child. This is working with their strengths and weaknesses as you see them for who they are. Sure, there are going to be times when they just have to buckle down and power through a grocery trip. But if you recognize their challenges, as a result of knowing that kids do well when they can, you can work together in more productive, successful ways.
4. You Can Advocate More Effectively
One thing about kids is that everyone has an opinion on their behavior. And if your child is neurodiverse or has learning challenges, people say a lot of negative things about them.
It can be easy to think that your child is in the wrong. I remember once when my oldest was 3, her dance teacher told me that everyone else in the class was doing what they were supposed to do, but my 3-year-old was hanging from the ballet bars — which was a huge no-no.
This mentality — that children do well when they can — was not something I understood yet, and so my mind blamed my child. I thought she was so naughty, and we had a talk about how she needed to behave better.
But really, her teacher and I were expecting too much of her. She was the youngest by a year in the class. She wasn’t developmentally capable of following that rule 100% of the time. Sure, she could follow it most of the time. But this time she slipped, and her teacher shamed her. Then I shamed her by having a stern talk.
Had I known that children do well when they can, I would have said to the teacher, “Sounds like typical 3-year-old behavior. Do you have any solutions for what to do next time?” Because, really, that was the teacher’s job. If the teacher couldn’t deal with a 3-year-old who had an occasional impulse to swing on the bar, the teacher needed to learn that skill.
So when my children struggle in school now with behavior or grades or homework or anything, I say to myself, “Children do well when they can.” And when their teacher tries to tell me that my child is lazy or doesn’t want to succeed, I can confidently respond with, “Sounds like my child is struggling. Children do well when they can. How can we help?”
This is far more productive and helpful than blaming children for struggling. So when you have this mentality — that children are going to fall below their expectations sometimes and that children do well when they can — you can advocate effectively when other adults don’t understand them.
5. You Can See Their Limitations and Figure out Solutions
Understanding your child’s limitations is so helpful. This can be a tricky thing, because you don’t want to cater to their limitations in a way that stunts growth. But it’s helpful to know where the limitations are so that you can find solutions to help your child either develop coping skills or overcome their limitations.
For example, let’s say your child keeps spilling their cereal every morning. If you get angry and punish, it will stop you from seeing solutions. But if you expect that kids will mess up, then this is just a blip. It’s still frustrating, but it’s a shorter frustration. And now, you can look at the problem and realize the cereal bowl is too full. So you start pouring less cereal and the problem resolves.
Or if your kids keep fighting with each other, and you expect that they should be able to do better, you might get exasperated at their behavior. But when you expect that they will mess up, you can look at it and realize they aren’t fed, are tired, need connection time with you, whatever. You recognize the limitations and that leads to solutions.
6. You Feel Less Frustrated Because It Feels Less Personal
This is a good one. If you’re anything like me, you might start to take your kids’ behavior personally. Disobedience might feel personal — like they’re doing it to make you mad. If they keep forgetting their backpack at school, it can feel like they’re doing it to make your life hard. If they’re arguing with you, that can feel incredibly personal!
But when you recognize that kids have limitations, that kids mess up, and that they do well when they can, you realize that their disobedience, forgetfulness, or arguing isn’t personal. They’re not doing it to you. They’re doing it because it’s the best they can do in this moment.
When you don’t feel personally attacked, you feel more in control of your emotions.
I want to be clear that your emotions are all valid, even when you’re frustrated. But controlling your emotions is easier when you recognize that your child is not giving you a hard time. They’re having a hard time.
7. You Can Apply This to Yourself Too
When you expect your kids to mess up, you learn to give them grace. When you recognize they’re doing the best they can in that moment, you’re giving them grace. And then you learn to give yourself grace too.
Because you expect yourself to mess up.
Expecting yourself to make mistakes makes them less shameful when they happen; after all, you knew it could happen. It makes it easier to move on and learn from those mistakes. By recognizing that your children will mess up, you also learn to be easier on yourself when you mess up, because you’re getting all that practice forgiving someone else all day long.
I hope this has been helpful to you. Today, choose a phrase to repeat in your mind when you’re frustrated with your child. Try one of these three: “Kids do well when they can” or “I expected mistakes” or “My child is not giving me a hard time. My child is having a hard time.” I’d love to know if this is helpful to you. Send me a DM on Instagram, tag me in a post or Story, or leave a review on your podcast app. And I want you to know I teach how to implement this mindset, along with four other important approaches, in my course How to Stop Yelling. It’s perfect for helping you make the improvements you want to make.