Podcast Transcript #23: We Need to Stop Moralizing Our Children’s Emotions
Hello, and welcome to Pause and Connect. I’m Rebecca Brown Wright, and this is episode 23: We have to stop moralizing our child’s emotions.
Listen here:
When I was a little girl, my mom sometimes ran errands in a shopping center that had a huge, mostly-empty parking lot with speed bumps.
She would do this funny thing where she would drive over the speed bumps, and say, “Rebecca! Stop making it bumpy in here! No more bumps!”
I would laugh hysterically and insist it wasn’t my fault, all the while begging her to keep going. It got to the point where, whenever I recognized the parking lot, I’d get unbuckled (child of the 80s and 90s here) and go sit in the back of our huge van so I could bounce all over the place. I’d beg her to go fast, and I think she even jiggled the steering wheel so we’d go over the speed bumps at angles that made the bumping even more fun. Sometimes, I had a friend with us, and I’d be absolutely giddy as I waited for them to experience this hilarity with me.
So when my oldest child was about 3 or 4, and I realized there were speed bumps in her dance parking lot, I was so excited to share this silly tradition with her!
I remember looking in the rearview mirror as we approached the first bump, eager to see her expression when I shared this hilarious, fun game with her.
We went over the first bump at an angle and I shouted, “Oh Lydia! No more bumps!”
She looked confused.
The next bump came up. “Lydia! No more bumps!”
Now she was upset.
“I’m not doing it, Mom! You are!” she said.
I figured she was just a slow learner, so as the next bump came up, I again shouted, “Lydia! No more bumps!”
“I’m not doing it! Stop!” she yelled at me and started crying.
I was shocked. This silly speed-bump game had been such a fun thing for me AND for a few of my friends. I knew it was kid-approved. How could it bring my child to tears?
Well, slow learner that I am, I kept at it. Every week, I’d try again. I just KNEW she would one day catch the vision and enjoy this silly game.
But she never did.
How I Moralized My Child’s Emotions
And, I’m sad to say, I even scolded her for it. This was before I understood child development; before I knew that kids do well when they can. I thought that she was being obstinate. (And by the way, she gave me permission to share this story.)
I told her it was just a fun game. She really shouldn’t get so mad. I loved it when I was younger. Why couldn’t she?
Eventually, I stopped, since it wasn’t fun for either of us.
But then a few years later, her little sister came along and began dance class as a preschooler. I decided to try out the speed bump game with her.
And she was delighted! She thought it was hilarious, she loved bumping around, and she begged for more!
But it was a bit puzzling. Her big sister Lydia, who hated the speed bumps at her age and still hated them, started playing along! “No more bumps, Emma!” she shouted, right along with me, laughing all the way.
So I thought maybe Lydia had outgrown it. And I threw her name in again. “No more bumps, Lydia!”
But immediately, she was mad at me. “Stop, Mom! I hate when you say that to me!” she yelled.
Still, I didn’t understand what I know now, so I shamed her. “Lydia, why can’t you just have fun like your sister?”
Ohhhh if I could go back, I would undo that one, my friends. I still feel terrible.
The Danger of Building up Expectations
Over time, I figured out that Lydia didn’t mind if we played this game with other people. But SHE didn’t want to be blamed for the bumps. Maybe she’s a bit more literal than other kids, or maybe it just isn’t fun for her. I don’t really know.
But what I do know is that I really messed up. I never should have shamed her. I never should have pushed her.
When she first told me she didn’t like the game as a preschooler, I should have let go of my vision of this fun bonding activity, and stopped. When she enjoyed watching her sister have a good time, but didn’t want any attention directed at her, I should have let her have fun in that way.
After all, who am I to say what is fun for another person?
Now, I know this is a silly story of little real consequence.
But it’s a good example of something parents do all the time. We have these images of what we think our children should do or feel, and we get disappointed when they do or feel a different way.
The other thing we do is we sort of rank our children’s reactions and behaviors. When Emma responded to the “No more bumps” game, I told Lydia she should be like her sister.
For whatever reason, this game didn’t sit right with Lydia, but it did with Emma. And I ranked that. I made one reaction more valuable/ more desirable/ more acceptable than the other. I moralized my children’s emotions and reactions.
As you’re listening to this silly example, are you thinking of any examples in your life? Is there something your child does, or doesn’t do, that you’ve given a moral value or ranking to?
There are two mindsets that can help us parents do this less often.
One is to meet our children where they are, and the second is to remember that children do well when they can.
Let’s start with meeting children where they are.
Meet Children Where They Are
I posted recently on my social media about my little boy Rex and our family cat, Cesar. Cesar is skittish around Rex. He’s an older cat, and he’s been old since Rex was born. He was a little more patient with Rex’s older sisters as babies, and I think that’s because he was younger then. But since Rex has been born, he’s been at this stage where he just doesn’t want to put up with nonsense.
Rex has gotten a few tiny nips and a couple scratches when he’s been too rough with Cesar. But Rex is older now, and he’s learning that if he wants Cesar’s attention, he’s going to have to be sweet and gentle.
And since he began changing his approach, Cesar has enjoyed being around him more. I find the two of them snuggling much more often, and Rex is really happy he’s getting these experiences with our cat.
The last time I found them snuggling, I realized this is exactly like parenting.
We have to meet our kids where they are. Just like Cesar fights back or runs away when Rex is too rough with him, our kids will fight back or withdraw when we try and interact with them in a way that isn’t comfortable for them.
If we insist they style their hair a certain way, push them to share when they don’t want to, make them do a sport they aren’t interested in, refuse to hear them when they have objections to something, and so much more, they will fight back or retreat.
And they should, honestly. Right? Don’t we want children who can stand up for themselves and let people know when they’re uncomfortable? The joke I see on social media a lot is that, of course, we want kids who know how to stand up for themselves. Just not when they’re standing up to us parents, right?
And it’s a funny joke because it’s true. I mean, I hate when my kids fight back. Why can’t they wear the outfit I want them to wear? Or like the dinner their dad made? Why can’t they do the chore? Or stop being so shy and go befriend that lonely kid? Why can’t they stop being so outgoing and sit still and listen to the teacher? Why can’t they like the “No more bumps” speedbump game, for crying out loud? And on and on.
Respect Children’s Personalities
But when we respect their personalities, their likes and dislikes, their communication styles, their current limitations, we actually help them grow. Because they feel safe with us. They feel safe to be who they are, and because of that, they are in a place where their brain can learn what needs to be learned. They feel more connected to us, and that allows them to grow and flourish — without kicking against the limits that we otherwise would be setting up for them.
Just think of my cute cat Cesar when you need a reminder. He’s going to scratch or run away if Rex pulls his tail. And he deserves to do that, because he doesn’t deserve to have his tail pulled. But if Rex is gentle and kind, the two of them can enjoy time together. It’s the same with our kids. Meet them where they are.
On this social media post, a friend commented that she has used the love language test with her kids to understand how to better meet them where they are. She found one child loves words of affirmation but doesn’t like physical touch. So she’s balancing those two types of interaction better — in a way that her child appreciates and wants.
Isn’t that a lovely gift? Can you imagine if you didn’t like hugs, but your parent always forced them on you because they thought that was the best way to show love? You wouldn’t feel loved. You’d feel smothered. And you might have been okay with some hugs, but the smothering could drive you to begin to hate them altogether.
So think about your child. What is something they do that drives you crazy? Are you being obvious about your dislike of it? Are you trying to change them in some way? What can you let go of?
Connect
When my oldest child was about 7, we were having really challenging times. I took her to a play therapist and expected the therapist to “fix” my child. The wonderful therapist, instead, showed me how to play with my child.
She showed me how to connect. She showed me how to SEE my child and accept her.
And that’s when we began to heal. It wasn’t my child who needed fixing.
It was my perception of my child that needed fixing. And I was able to repair as I connected with my child. Because now I was meeting her where she was. By connecting, I was learning who she was and what she needed, wanted, liked, and disliked. And then I was able to treat her the way she wanted to be treated — not the way I THOUGHT she should appreciate.
If you want some ideas on how to connect with your child without much effort, Episode 9 offers some fun and easyish ways to connect with your child. Deliberate connective activities help us understand our children better, and help us meet them where they are.
This work is SO important. Coming to understand your child AND accept them for who they are is one of the greatest gifts we can give to our children. It’s not easy with each child. Sometimes our personalities grate against each other in really difficult ways. And it’s not easy at each stage. Some stages are way harder than others. But it’s our job as parents to work through that.
Finding ways to connect and interact positively will help us do exactly that — it will help us set aside our frustrations and see our children… much of the time. Because we can’t be perfect at this all the time!
Children Do Well When They Can
The second mindset that will help with this process is that children do well when they can. Dr. Ross Greene talks about this concept a lot, and it’s so valuable.
It’s not that children do well when they feel like it. Or children do well when they want to. It’s that children do well when they CAN.
So if your child is fighting you about speed bumps — or something of actual consequence — it’s because it’s the best they can do right now in this moment.
Does that mean they can’t do better later? No. Lydia is 13 now. If I tried the speed bump game on her, she would just roll her eyes at me. She wouldn’t get mad and scream like she once did. That’s because she developed the skill to deal with undesirable situations a little better.
But when she was 4? She didn’t have that skill. All she knew was that she hated the way she felt when I played that game, and she wanted it to stop. Screaming at me was her best tool. I didn’t understand this back then. I thought she was overreacting and trying to ruin our time together.
Because I didn’t understand that children do well when they CAN. I thought they do well when they WANT TO, so I interpreted her screams as defiance and obstinance. But if I had understood that children do well when they CAN, I would have handled it differently. So let’s go back and examine it.
Children Do Well When They Can — What This Looks Like
Had I understood that children do well when they can, I would have interpreted her screaming as communication about her needs.
I would have said to myself, “Wow, she really doesn’t like this.”
I would have apologized while driving, and then I would have given her a hug once we stopped the car.
Maybe I would have asked why she was bothered. She may or may not have been able to tell me why it bothered her, but she would have felt seen.
I might have shared with her how much I liked the game when I was her age. That might have prompted her to look at it with new eyes, or she might have still stayed firm in her hatred of the speed bump game. Either way, she and I would have understood each other.
I WISH I had known the concept that children do well when they can back then. Because I turned a molehill into a mountain, didn’t I? And I really hurt my 4-year-old’s sense of safety. She lost trust that I would care for her emotions, didn’t she?
I’m grateful I know it now, and I can use it every day.
And I do!
Sometimes, I use it in the way I just described I wish I had used it.
What to Do When You Don’t Use the Concept in Time
But sometimes, I don’t use it in time. Sometimes, I still get frustrated at my children and let it show. And sometimes I make big mistakes in how I handle my frustration.
But the thing about this concept — that children do well when they CAN — is that it allows me to easily bring us back to center when I remember it: Children do well when they can. It’s a phrase that humbles me. It reminds me to apologize when I mess up, and it helps me have conversations with my kids to help us understand each other — whether I use it before I get upset or after I do.
I’ve been using this phrase a lot this summer, as my kids are fighting a lot. Sometimes they fight over the most insignificant (to me) things. But using the phrase “Children do well when they CAN” helps me to meet my kids where they are. It stops me from ranking their problems or assigning moral value to their feelings. It helps keep things in perspective so that I can react in a way that isn’t going to delegitimize anyone’s feelings or personalities.
Of course, I mess up.
The other day, our 13-year-old didn’t want to go to church at the last minute. We were ready to go out the door, and she was fighting with us.
Unfortunately, we weren’t in a place where we could meet her where she was. So we gave her an ultimatum. She chose to come to church, but she felt forced.
Once at church, she said that the lights were too bright and her head hurt. It turns out she was having a mild migraine. She’d never had one before, so earlier, she hadn’t been able to articulate what she was feeling. Had we stopped, met her where she was, reminded ourselves that children do well when they can, we would have seen her refusal not as defiance but as a communication about a deeper need.
She went home and rested. And I apologized. I told her I didn’t know what to do, and I acted from that place instead of a place of love. We were then able to talk about what to do next time something like this happened. How could she communicate her needs more clearly to us? How could we hear her better?
That good conversation only came about because I remembered that children do well when they can. It took my daughter’s migraine for me to be reminded of it, and I’m sorry about that. But the phrase still helped us get back on track.
This mindset is so powerful, whether you remember to use it during a meltdown, or you use it to repair when you forgot to use it earlier! And it’s very effective at helping us to stop and reflect, instead of jumping to moralizing or ranking our kids’ emotions and reactions.
Summing up
To sum up, our children deserve to be loved as they are. It’s a simple enough concept, but it’s not so simple to put into practice, it turns out. And I think we should acknowledge that as parents. We want to love our children as they are, but sometimes we have a hard time accepting the things that challenge us. Rather than feel ashamed about it, let’s accept that this is a human issue, and work to positively get better.
And two ways to do that are to use those two mindsets to help us get better at accepting our children.
The first is to meet our children where they are — remember Cesar the cat. He needs to be treated gently if he’s going to stick around. Our kids need to be treated in certain ways as well, and as we connect with them, we can understand their individual needs better.
And the second mindset is that children do well when they can. Use it during a meltdown to center yourself and realize your child’s meltdown is communication. Or if you miss the window to use it at that point, use it later to re-center yourself and apologize and problem solve.
I hope this has been helpful to you. I saw a meme from the Instagram handle @coffeeandcosleeping that said, “You’re finding motherhood hard because it is. That doesn’t mean you’re failing.” Parents, this is hard work. But you’re in it, you’re doing it, and you’re showing up again and again. You aren’t failing. You’re doing incredibly hard work, and you’re doing it better than you think.
If you need a little extra boost, check out my resources. You can start small in connecting with your child with my back-and-forth journal. Or you can go all-in and take my self-guided parenting course, How to Stop Yelling. It’s gentle, encouraging, and life-changing.
