Podcast Transcript: #10: What to do When Your Child Lies
Hello, and welcome to Pause and Connect. This is episode 10, and it’s called “What to Do When Your Child Lies.”
First, I want to give you just a little life update. This episode is going up a little later than usual, because my husband just had surgery to have a tumor on his thyroid — and his thyroid — removed, and so our life has been turned a bit upside down. He’s recovering well, but, you know, surgery is life disrupting.
I wanted to say a little thank you. I shared about him on Instagram and Facebook, and you were so kind in the comments. And I really appreciate it. And I also wanted to say that we’ve been showered with love and treats and meals and support from friends near and far, and I wanted to really quick share something I’ve learned.
When people are struggling, you really can’t go wrong in helping them. I’ve had a few friends reach out to say they wish they could do something more, or they don’t know what to say. And I want to tell them, “Reaching out is enough! It really is!” I know that in the past, when someone has been struggling and I couldn’t think of what to do, I felt really awful. But the nice thing is that when you’re in crisis, if someone thinks of you at all, it means the world. So reaching out to say, “This sucks” or “I’m thinking of you” is plenty.
Truly.
What to Do When Your Child Lies
Okay, let’s get to the topic today. Let’s talk about lying! Specifically, when your child lies — and you know it.
This is a huge challenge, isn’t it? Our society places so much value on honesty, which is a good thing. But I think because of that, we tend to think that lack of honesty automatically indicates a character flaw. And so when our kids tell a lie, we feel scared. Does this mean they’re bad? Or that they lie to me all the time? Does this mean I’m doing something wrong?
And so we tend to act from that fear. And episode 2 talks about what happens when we parent from fear. It’s a really good one, so make sure you listen to that one if you haven’t already.
But because lying = bad, we get a little scared. We don’t want bad children, of course! We don’t want to face what this might mean about us if our children are bad. So we might punish swiftly, or we might shame our children, or we might do something that seems like a logical thing and punish the crime, but not the lie. I’ll talk later about why this isn’t necessarily the best approach.
Really, it’s just a learning process: the same as if your child won’t stop picking their nose or cries every time you won’t buy them candy at the store. I’m not saying any of it is easy. But lying isn’t worse than the other things our kids are still learning.
This is important to remember. Lying is bad, but so is picking your nose and putting the booger on the wall. You might think your child is gross when they pick their nose and put the booger on the wall, but you don’t think they’re corrupt or morally deficient, right? Telling the truth is a SKILL, and it takes time to learn it. Some kids don’t have a problem, and others do. Just like not all kids pick their nose and put the boogers on the wall. (But let’s be honest. Most do.)
How Fear of Lying Leads Parents to Respond Negatively
But we kind of have a fear when our child lies.
I used to feel really fearful when my child lied. And I reacted from that fear.
One of my kids used to lie about a lot, and it seemed like they always lied about brushing their teeth.
So I would ask, “Did you brush your teeth?” They’d tell me yes, but they wouldn’t look me in the eyes, and I would know.
So I’d ask them to open their mouth, and I could practically see the dinner crawling all across their teeth.
So naturally, I’d get mad and say super unhelpful things like, ““Why did you lie to me?” or “Lying is SO bad. You can’t lie to me!”
Then I’d take away their favorite stuffed animal as punishment, and march them into the bathroom to brush their teeth in front of me.
This would happen multiple times a week, and every time, I just thought that if I punished harder, the lesson would sink in.
But it never did. This child just wasn’t learning. And the meltdowns — oh, the meltdowns! They were so bad. Wailing and gnashing of (dirty) teeth and falling to the floor.
And then the additional lies! This child would try to get out of my wrath by making up more lies in an effort to make the original lie disappear.
So I would punish harder.
It never got better with punishing. Never. I just got madder, and my child just got sadder. And the lying never stopped. And there was lying about more than brushing teeth. It just kept going.
I’d scream at them, “All you have to do is tell the truth!”
I tried saying, “You won’t get a punishment for the lie. You’ll only get a punishment for your behavior. You just have to tell the truth.”
But it just wasn’t sinking in.
It’s Not Really Lying — It’s a Coping Mechanism
During the months that this was happening, I was learning more and more about ADHD, and was beginning to suspect this particular child had it for various reasons.
Then I came across an article on ADHD and lying.
I learned that oftentimes, children with ADHD make impulsive or distracted decisions (like reading a book instead of brushing teeth). Once they realize what they’ve done, they immediately regret their decision, but they don’t know what to do to make it right. Maybe they wish it hadn’t happened, and the lie they then tell is their wish. The lie could be a second impulsive decision. Maybe they truly believe they can make everything go away by telling a different version of the truth. They might have been distracted when they made their mistake and honestly don’t remember how they got to where they are.
But the lie comes from shame and fear. It’s not malicious. It’s a coping mechanism. And if I’m standing there as the parent, with several punishments ready to dish out, the lie feels safer than me, right?
This isn’t just for kids with ADHD, but because of impulsivity and distractedness, kids with ADHD might struggle with it more frequently. But your kids without ADHD are going to lie too.
The way to change it is to change the parenting approach. Know that your child is going to lie to you, don’t moralize it, and instead think of it as a skill that hasn’t been developed yet. Like tying their shoes. They’re going to need time to learn it; they’re going to do a bad job in the beginning. And you’re going to patiently kneel down and help them each time.
Think of lying in the same way. Honesty is just a skill they haven’t developed yet, and they need a loving, forgiving, connected parenting approach to help them get it.
So let’s go through the approach. This is what I turn to whenever my child lies.
I’ve been using this approach for about seven years now, and it hasn’t failed me once. Not even as my children have gotten older. Does that mean it’s foolproof? Probably not. But it’s definitely a better place to start than the consequences I was dishing out.
Step 1 is to Stop the Lie
For the most part, parents come equipped with excellent lie detectors. You know your child’s tells — they avoid your eyes, they stammer when they explain their version, they get angry. Whenever your lie detector dings and you sense your child is telling a fib, stop them.
Remember, your child is struggling to develop a skill, or they made a slip as they develop the skill of honesty. So you don’t have to teach them a lesson they’ll never forget. The goal is NOT to catch them in a lie, because you want them to develop this skill for life. So the goal becomes helping them feel confident and trustworthy. Help them want to be honest, and know how to do it consistently. Setting them up to catch them in a lie isn’t going to get us to that goal.
So stop them when you sense they’re lying. Don’t stop them with anger. Just gently stop them from digging themselves deeper in a hole.
Step 2 Is to Hug
If you’ve been around here for any amount of time, you know that hugging is something I talk about a lot. And that’s because it connects. Hugging your child when they’ve done something wrong — when they feel bad and wish they hadn’t messed up — helps them feel safe. It helps them get ready to hear you. And it helps YOU feel less angry. Use the power of oxytocin! Hugging releases the hormone oxytocin, which reduces stress and induces calm. Use that power!
Making a connection at this point will calm both of you, and will communicate to both of you that your goal here is to solve this issue with love. If you can’t hug because your child won’t allow it, make eye contact, get down on their level, or gently touch their arm. Don’t make them uncomfortable; just show love through touch if they want it.
Step 3 Is to Help Them Tell the Truth, Not to Accuse
So you already stopped the lie gently. You didn’t let them dig themselves into a hole. Then you connected with the hug or crouching down below them or gently touching their arm. So you’re both feeling love, even if you’re still a little upset or your child is still a little defiant or afraid.
In this step, you’re going to coax them along. Tell them you know what they did. Again, there’s no aim to catch them in a lie. Don’t ask them, “Did you feed the dog?” when you know they didn’t. Instead, say, “It looks like you forgot to feed the dog.” This eliminates their fear because they know they don’t have to keep up a charade. The truth is already out in the open.
A lot of us have been on the receiving end of someone who’s trying to catch us in a lie. This is a common parenting tactic, actually. We think we’re giving our kids the chance to tell us the truth. We think that by putting them to the test to see how they react, we’re giving them the opportunity to come clean. So we say, “Did you feed the dog?” and it’s kind of like a test. We already know they didn’t; we already saw the empty bowl and the hungry dog. But we want to test our child’s honesty. If they’re honest, we can praise them. If they’re not, we can teach them a lesson through punishment. That’s how a lot of parenting goes.
But it doesn’t feel good. If you’ve ever been on the receiving end of this treatment, you know how awful it feels. There’s no need to be your child’s enemy. Remember, you’re coaching them. You’re helping them learn a skill. Putting them on the defense will absolutely NOT help them learn a skill.
Let’s say they hit their sibling. You know it because the sibling is screaming in pain and there’s a mark on their body. Maybe you even heard an argument and then a slap. Saying, “Did you hit your sister?” is not helpful. Your child knows they’ve done wrong, and they’re going to want to reach for anything to help them feel better. A lie can feel better. If they can convince you they didn’t hit their sister, they don’t have to get in trouble. Sometimes, kids even believe their lies because it makes them feel better about themselves.
Remember impulsivity? If they impulsively hit their sister, then by the time their brain catches up to what they did, they’re horrified at themselves. Lying about it absolves them of some guilt.
So when you understand this, you know not to put them in a position to lie. Don’t say, “Did you hit your sister?” Instead, calm the sister and then say, “It looks like you got upset and hit your sister.” Give them a hug and say, “Let’s talk about it.” In this way, you’re not even giving them a chance to lie. You’re helping them be successful.
Step 4 is to Give a Second (or Third or Fourth) Chance
But if your child gets to the lie, and you realize your child didn’t do what they said they did, give them a chance to tell the truth again. Remember, your goal is NOT to teach them a harsh lesson; it’s to help them be successful at telling the truth.
So you could say, “You told me you brushed your teeth, but I don’t smell toothpaste on your breath. Maybe you forgot. Let’s go do it together.” Or you could say, “I see the toys aren’t picked up like you said. Maybe you got distracted.”
Help them pause, and give them another chance to do the thing right.
What if it’s not something you have evidence for, but you know they’re lying? Stay with them. Go back to step 1 where you stop the lie. Don’t let them keep digging themselves into a hole. Go back to step 2 where you hug them and connect with them and stay close to them. Go back to step 3 where you remember not to accuse, but to help them tell the truth.
And then guess in a way that doesn’t accuse but helps them say the truth. Something like, “Your teacher says your work looks a lot like your neighbor’s work. Do you think you might have looked at their work?”
Or, “Everyone was going to the party, so you wanted to go too, didn’t you?”
Keep giving chances to tell the truth. This is normally where we get fearful. What will happen if we can’t get them to ‘fess up? And when we start parenting from fear, we typically act harsher than we normally would.
So stay with them. Give them chance after chance after chance. Keep guessing at what they did, and empathizing with why they might have done it, so they can have the opening to say the truth.
Step 5: No Shame
Step 5 really should be step 1. Remember not to shame your child. Throughout this whole process, don’t shame them. You don’t need to teach them that lying is bad by making them feel dumb for their mistake.
Stay with them. If they still lie to you, repeat #1, #2, #3, and #4. The goal is to foster a connection and to help your child succeed. Give them second chances. And third, and more — if they need them.
Step 6 Is to Connect
This could also be step 1. Or step 1.2.
Keep connection at the center of the whole exchange, and you’ll come out strong. You’ll also know better what to do. Each situation is different, and each child is different, so when you’re focusing on connecting with them through their mistake, you’ll know what they need in that moment.
Stay close. Show love. Remember, your goal is to help them be successful in telling the truth. And you’re doing it through connection.
Of course, this Step 1 through Step 6 isn’t going to work for every single child every single time. You’re going to find you’ll need variations, but when you approach the lie from a place of wanting to help your child be successful at telling the truth (NOT from a place of trying to catch them in a lie), you’ll find the right process and solution for your situation.
How This Process Might Look
Here’s how it might look. This was something that actually happened when one of my kids was about 7.
We found a chunk of hair missing from our daughter’s head, and asked what had happened.
She first told us her friend did it.
But we knew she was lying.
Instead of accusing and punishing, we stopped her and said, “Sweetie, we know your friend didn’t do it. We know you did. We want you to tell us the truth, even if you didn’t at first. This is your chance to tell the truth.”
She thought for a split second, and told us that she had been holding the scissors and her hair got too close. We knew this was closer to the truth, but not the full truth.
So we stopped her again, and said, “Thank you for telling us you are the one who was holding the scissors. But remember, you need to tell us the whole truth. You aren’t in trouble, even if you already weren’t truthful.”
To help her along, we said, “It looks like you cut your own hair. Take a second and think about what happened.”
She let out a breath, her shoulders relaxed, and she nodded. “I cut my own hair.”
The truth finally out in the open, she was relieved.
We told her we were proud of her for telling us the truth when it was hard. And we were! She had been lying as a defense mechanism for quite a long time. To break away from that — even if it took a while — was monumental.
We hugged her, and asked her to tell us what we can do to make sure she wouldn’t cut her hair again. She had some ideas, and we agreed to them.
And that was that. We didn’t punish her, and we didn’t shame her.
Now, you’ll notice in that example that we didn’t necessarily go in order through Step 1 to 6. But we did do all the steps.
We stopped her from lying so she wouldn’t dig herself deeper, and told her what we thought she had done, so she could agree and stop trying to cover it up. When she kept lying, we gave her more than one chance to be honest. We hugged her. We kept connection at the center, and we didn’t shame her.
We’re not perfect, and I’m not using this example to say we have it all together. But this time, we remembered the important ideas of connection, no shame, and helping her along. And it worked.
Like I said, every situation is different. Some lies are much bigger. We just experienced a huge lie with one of our kids that took us by surprise. When we figured it out, I was pretty upset and NOT in a good place. But my husband thankfully remembered to connect. He hugged, he empathized, he helped this child say the truth. And when it was over, the child told us, “I just didn’t want you to think bad about me.”
THAT’S why they were lying. They were trying to avoid shame. Isn’t that powerful to know? When you know that, it makes it so obvious that lying isn’t some morally corrupt thing your child is doing. They’re actually trying to do their best, and they’re grabbing at anything that can help them feel better in the moment.
I’m so grateful my husband remembered the tools of connection in that moment. Because our child deserved to know they were loved and important, no matter what they had done. And using connection is what helped them finally come clean and accept our help.
Summing up: What to Do When Your Child Lies
So to sum up: There are six steps for what to do when your child lies, but they don’t necessarily have to go in order:
Those steps are to
- Stop the Lie
- Hug
- Help them tell the truth
- Give second and third and fourth and on chances to come clean
- Don’t use shame
- Keep connection at the center of the whole exchange
I hope this has been helpful for you. I just love that you’re here and listening. Please remember I have tools to help you connect with your kids all the time, not just when they’re lying!
Have a beautiful day.
