We need to stop expecting men to “help” with childcare and household chores.
Wait! Keep reading!
Now, you’ll remember: We got the conversation started by more correctly identifying to whom housekeeping belongs in this post:
Housekeeping is an adult responsibility. It is not synonymous with motherhood.
But, my friends, we need to take this conversation further.
Here’s the next part.
We need to be careful of how we use the word “help.”
In heterosexual relationships, when we say that male partners “help” around the house or with the kids, we are implying that the housework and childcare belongs exclusively to women.
So when the male partner changes a diaper or cooks a meal, he’s “helping” his female partner with what has been deemed her responsibility alone.
On December 4, many years ago, my husband became a father and I became a mother. On December 3 of that same year, we both shared household responsibilities.
But beginning that December, I began to be told how my husband was such a great “help.”
When he cooked dinner, changed diapers, and cleaned the house while I recovered, he was “helping me.”
It was literally that sudden — one day we were not parents. The next, we were. As a mother, society immediately slapped me with dozens of household and childcare responsibilities. As a father, society celebrated him for “helping” me with those.
Huh?
On December 5th, the day after we became parents, how could he be “helping ME” by doing the same responsibilities we were adequately sharing on December 3?
The only thing that was different was that society raised my expectations one hundredfold, and reduced him to a simple supporting role.
If this concept is still a little troubling or confusing, just flip the language. Nobody would ever watch me make dinner and say to my husband, “Oh, you’re so lucky she helps out around the house.”
Nobody would EVER say that.
So why do we say it when men do it?
It’s not a “help” when your husband cleans up, cooks, or takes care of the kids. It’s a person doing what needs to be done with the responsibilities that belong to them.
Now, a little clarification:
Each partnership divides chores in different ways. And there can certainly be help going both ways if one partner helps another with agreed-upon responsibilities. This is not a judgment on how you and your partner divide what needs to be done.
You do you, and do what works in your home.
But when talking in a broader sense, we can reduce unfair societal expectations on women while elevating men to more involved partnerships, by eliminating the word “help” in this context.
Here are simple ways to start to change this mindset if you’re a woman:
The next time your girlfriend’s husband cleans up the dishes, fight the urge to comment on how nice it is that he’s “helping.”
When your partner tidies the living room, say, “Thanks, babe,” instead of, “Thanks for helping ME, babe.”
When your partner solves a sibling squabble among the kids, say, “That was great,” instead of, “Thanks for helping ME with that.”
There’s much more to this, but that’s a start.
And if you’re a man reading this, view your household and childcare actions as part of your adulthood, rather than as “helping” your female partner.
Do you see how taking the word “help” out of these contexts shifts things? It removes the expectation that the woman is responsible for every little thing.
I think by now, we’re all pretty comfortable with the idea that dads don’t “babysit.” But let’s also add that they don’t “help” with the housework either.
Because housework is an adult responsibility, not a mother’s.
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Just make sure things are balanced, including yard work, car and house repairs, etc. It’s so easy for us to think we are pulling more than our weight. If both are busy doing necessary things around the house, then I’d say things are okay. Don’t expect him to help with children and housecleaning if you are not willing to spend time in the yard and on repairs.
The point is that men don’t “help” with children and housecleaning, because childcare and housekeeping are not the sole responsibility of the woman. It should be a shared effort, and therefore, the word “help” makes no sense, since the responsibility does not belong to one sex alone.