When I share a sweet moment I had with a child, I’ll sometimes hear comments like this: “They’re sweet now, but just wait until the fights of the teenage years.”
When my babies were snuggly, I heard a lot of comments like this: “They’re cute now, but wait until the terrible twos.”
When I read parenting advice for any stage, I always see advice like this: “Pick your battles.”
Teenage fights are horrible? Terrible twos? Pick your battles?
If I didn’t know any better, I would think parenthood is an all-out war.
Which would mean, my children are…
my enemies?
Yikes!
Why does anybody have kids if this is the mentality we all share?
Pick Your Battles
I know this advice is meant to be well-meaning. It’s a reminder that you don’t need to engage in every challenge your child throws out at you.
And there’s some real validity to that. Not everything has to be a big deal.
But if we’re constantly “picking our battles,” then we’re constantly on high-alert for a fight. We’re expecting a fight. We’re bracing ourselves for a fight.
And what is that doing to the way we view our kids?
If my child is somebody to battle, then I’m going to see their actions as intentionally offensive. I’m going to expect my kids to be awful.
I’m going to see my parenting role as an enforcer, rather than a connector.
I’m going to think I have to WIN.
And I’m going to make sure that if I show up to the battle, I’ll win.
I know this is true, because I used to feel like I had to lay down the law. This made me feel like my children were out to get me when they had a meltdown. And it made me expect way more out of them than they were capable of giving.
Words Matter
Words influence how we feel. And how we feel influences how we act.
I struggled as a new mom, because I felt I needed to have control all the time. When my first toddler behaved in ways that I viewed as defiant, I felt like I needed to swiftly put a stop to the behavior.
I knew there would be battles — that’s what I’d been told, after all — and I was prepared for them. I saw myself as an enforcer. My child wouldn’t “get away” with “bad” behavior. Not on my watch.
I now realize I was heavily influenced by the words of my culture. “Pick your battles,” “terrible twos,” and the like prepared me for a child who needed correcting.
These words prepared me to view my child as my enemy; as someone to subdue into submission.
Connection Changes This
My child is not my enemy. Not even when they’re having a meltdown, refusing to cooperate, or screaming angry words while stomping around the house.
My child is a human being who is learning how to navigate this world.
And you know what?
I’M also a human being who is still learning how to navigate this world.
We are not enemies.
Shifting the mindset from “battle” to CONNECTION is transformative.
When your child has a meltdown, don’t say to yourself, “Pick your battles. Is this a battle I want to show up to?”
Instead, say to yourself, “Our relationship needs connection right now. How can I offer it?”
How to Connect Instead of Enforce
I consciously tried this approach for the first time when my oldest was about 7. We had battled hardcore for her whole life, and when she became defiant, it would take HOURS to calm down. I would give harsher and harsher punishments, and she would fight harder and harder until one of us gave up.
One day, our therapist encouraged me to hug her during a meltdown and see how long it took to get through it.
I was so doubtful this could work. Remember, it took HOURS to get through her meltdowns in our current state.
But I loved our therapist and agreed to try.
When my daughter began her next meltdown, I ran to her and wrapped her in a hug. We sat on the couch together while she screamed in anger.
I watched the time tick by as I winced from the screams, doubting with every second that this could work.
I patted her back, told her I loved her, and feared.
But the screams ended up lasting only about ONE minute.
One minute!
She then cried for about another nine minutes.
And when 10 minutes was done, my daughter was calm, collected, and capable of moving forward.
I’m not going to lie — those 10 minutes were LONG.
But it was a heckuva lot shorter than the hours of our previous showdowns.
And the next time I tried this approach, the duration was cut in half.
Soon, all my daughter needed to calm down was to see me walking toward her with my arms outstretched.
Eventually, she learned to calm herself, although she still liked to come to me for comfort.
This gift of connection completely transformed our home and family.
I now see my children rushing to connect with each other when one is upset. They come to me to comfort me when I am sad.
And I never wonder if we’ll get through a meltdown. I know we will. I know connection will get us there.
Connection Is Adaptable
This connection looks different for each of my kids. They all need a hug, but then each one needs something different to get out of their funk.
One needs jokes or tickles. One needs a long conversation. One only needs the hug. They all need validation that their feelings are okay.
And these needs fluctuate from situation to situation.
But always, with connection as my goal, we figure out how to get through the tough times.
Eliminate Fighting Language
Connection is a far more powerful tool than “picking your battles.” It encourages you to see your children’s discomfort and sadness and to feel empathy for them.
It motivates you to find a happy resolution rather than choosing to either ignore a problem or to get down and dirty in a fight.
Pay attention to the advice you receive, and note how much of it includes fighting language. Make the courageous choice to reject that narrative.
Instead, choose connection.
One handy-dandy tool for connection is my back-and-forth journal. Parents and kids can answer prompts that guide you to share meaningful insights about your life. This helps you connect during positive times, which makes connection during the challenging times much more easy.
Get your own back-and-forth journal, and get to connecting today.