A mother should be… what?
When my post called “Housekeeping Is Not Motherhood” went viral, there were many men, and a few women, who told me I was wrong.
I wasn’t really surprised, because that’s why I wrote the post! There are too many people out there telling women that their worth is tied up in their housekeeping. (Remember: Nobody is saying the same thing to men and fathers.)
But I also had several people tell me they wanted me to say what motherhood IS.
If it isn’t housekeeping, then what is it? What makes a good mother?
People made lists in my comments: a good mother reads to her kids, doesn’t raise jerks, makes sure her children feel loved, teaches her kids chores, and on.
Humans love defining things. So surely, there has to be a way to determine a GOOD mother, because how else can we know if we measure up?
I think people were coming from a good place when they made these lists, but it misses the point.
These lists use arbitrary — and changing — standards to judge ourselves and others.
When we do that to each other, we’ll never measure up.
What I Believe a Mother Should Be
A mother should be:
- Supported by her partner if she has one
- Free to choose her own path
- Rid of other people’s judgments for her decisions
- Unburdened by opinions on her housekeeping (And the other adults in her home should not expect that housekeeping is her responsibility. See my post here.)
- Unencumbered by other people’s expectations for her life and responsibilities
Most importantly, she should be free of narrow definitions of what a mother should be.
There is no definition on what makes a good mother. And it isn’t a conversation we should even be having.
Instead, we should be asking ourselves why we judge.
Instead, we should be working to have more empathy and understanding for mothers.
Instead, we should be smashing the definitions we’ve created.
Will you discard your idea of a good mother, and focus instead on support, love, and empathy?
