I recently shared how to connect when your child is in pain, and how to connect instead of punish when your child messes up.
Now, I’ll share how I messed up — and then fixed it halfway through.
Because as much as I practice connected parenting, I still have old instincts that want to push their way to the surface.
How I Messed up
We were dog sitting the neighbor’s dog. Our kids loved taking her out for a walk, but I told them that if she pooped in the neighborhood, they would have to pick it up.
They eagerly agreed, not thinking it through.
One day, they came back from a walk and I was told that the dog had pooped. But the child on poop-duty had refused to pick it up.
I grabbed a bag, and told this child we would go get the poop together, angrily reminding them of their agreement.
“NO!” this child screamed. “I’M NOT GOING! YOU CAN’T MAKE ME!” They threw themselves on the couch and pulled their body into a ball.
All my old instincts, bred from years of living in this society that teaches us to control, came boiling up. I was going to MAKE this child do it!
The connected way would have been to sit with my child, empathize that picking up poop is the worst of the worst, and stay with them until they could calm down and find a solution with me.
But instead, I firmly said again and again in a not-nice voice, “Get up. You’re coming with me.”
I was just about to take away this child’s afternoon activity they were looking forward to. (This was my instinct to control.) Thankfully, before I punished, something snapped in my child, and they walked with me out the door.
At this point, I had “won.” Some experts might tell me I had done it right. I was firm and consistent, and my child was going to follow through.
But I didn’t feel good. My child was crying, and I was feeling angry at their defiance. These feelings are worth paying attention to. They are worth motivating us to do things a different way.
How to Start Over
So I started over. I took a breath and reached my hand to my child’s hand. Graciously, they took it.
I then said, “I’m so sorry we have to do this. It’s really the worst, isn’t it?”
They protested and cried some more. I continued to validate their feelings.
By the time we got to the poop, we were getting along and my child was calm.
But when they saw the poop, they began to protest again. I validated again. “I know this is so awful. I wish we didn’t have to do it.” And then, I stayed with them. “How can I help? What if I hold the bag with you?”
They agreed, and together we took care of business.
The whole way home, we laughed about how gross it is that humans have to pick up dogs’ poop.
Even though we started out at odds, it ended up being a bonding experience in the end.
You can pause and connect for a restart at any time.
Most parents lean on yelling in their discipline. And most of us feel terrible about that. It’s normal to feel like yelling, but there is a better way. I can help you yell less at your children. Click the image below to learn how.