I recently shared what it looks like to connect when your child is hurt.
This blog post will be about how to connect when your child is misbehaving.
What I’m about to tell you goes against what we are taught in our society. But this shift has SAVED our family, so I want to shout it from the rooftops!
You don’t have to punish your child to get them to behave!!!!
There is a better way, and that way is connection.
How to Peacefully Handle Misbehavior
I’ll share a common example: a sibling hits another sibling.
This is how I connect instead of control, correct, or punish in this situation.
I hear a child crying, and when I enter the room, they point at their sibling and say, “They hit me!”
I notice the offender is looking might defiant — arms folded across their chest, ready for a fight with me.
I quickly go to the child who is hurt, give them a hug, and say, “I’m so sorry you are hurting. I love you.” I don’t blame or correct anyone.
Once I feel they are are calm enough (I’ll go back to them later too), I go to the child who did the hitting.
I give them a hug. This is the counterintuitive part. Why would I hug when they just physically hurt their sibling? Shouldn’t they be punished so they learn a lesson?
But in that hug, I’m helping them regulate their emotions. Remember, they aren’t sorry yet. They’re still defiant. They’re still upset.
And in that hug, I’m telling them they are safe with me — even if they do something wrong. And I’ll stay with them to help them figure it out.
I then observe. “It looks like your sibling is upset.”
They’re feeling safe with me, but still reeling. They defensively tell me their sibling took their toy.
I then validate. I keep hugging. “I’m so sorry. That must have felt bad when that happened.” I don’t correct anything at this point.
They agree it did feel bad. Maybe they tell me their sibling ALWAYS takes their toy. I keep validating and I keep hugging. No correcting.
Once they don’t feel defensive anymore, we can address what they did. “Remember our rules? We don’t use our body to hurt another person’s body.”
They squirm a bit because they know they made a mistake. I keep hugging. “We all make mistakes, but we must try to make them better. What can we do to make this better? Your sibling is upset.”
They feel safe. They look at their sibling. They suggest we hug the sibling.
Sometimes, the sibling allows a hug. Sometimes, the sibling is still too upset. All of the sibling’s emotions are still valid too.
At this point, I can now attend fully to the sibling’s emotions. I can validate their pain. I can even address that they shouldn’t have taken their sibling’s toy once they’ve been validated. (But I NEVER connect the two — nobody should ever be blamed for getting hit.)
In the end, nobody has to be punished. We all get to enjoy connection and understand we are all valuable — even when we mess up. And we all learn to do better.
(I always need to say: I don’t do this perfectly every time. I still mess up a lot. But I do this enough to see the dramatic difference it makes for my children — and ME.)
(And hugs don’t work for every child. That’s okay. The principle of connecting, instead of punishing, is the main idea.)