Podcast Transcript #20: Best Advice for New Parents
Hello, and welcome to Pause and Connect. I’m Rebecca Brown Wright, and this is episode 20: What advice would you give new parents?
My teenage niece Ruby called a while ago to interview me for her child development class. She was supposed to ask a parent different parenthood questions, and it was fun to think through some of them. Like: What’s the hardest part of parenting, what do you think kids need from parents, etc.
And there was one I haven’t been able to get out of my mind. She asked what I would tell a couple who are about to become parents.
Ohhh wow. What a question, right?
What would you go back and tell yourself? Parenthood is SO VAST, so there’s so much to say, but also, how can you say anything at all? It’s not sum-up-able. Where do you begin? Can you even begin to have a conversation about that?
I thought for a while, and had some funny thoughts come to my mind, like, “Make sure you have plenty of laundry stain remover.” Because oh my gosh, those newborn blow-outs are too much.
I thought of everything I teach about connection here in my podcast and in my self-guided course, “How to Stop Yelling”, and how connection is more important than correction. But what new parent wants to hear about how to discipline? That was the furthest thing from my mind when I was pregnant the first time — I just wanted to know how to keep my baby alive and if I could manage breastfeeding. I didn’t need to be thinking about what to do when my child disobeyed me three or 13 years from then.
Best Advice for New Parents
So what would you say? How would you answer the question? What is the best advice you could give to a couple who are about to become parents?
This is what I ended up saying.
I said that, assuming this hypothetical couple actually WANTS my advice, I would tell them to become students of themselves. To know themselves. To make that a priority.
Why does this rank higher than all the millions of things I could have said?
Because when you know yourself, you like yourself. When you like yourself, you have confidence in your decisions. You don’t need to compare yourself to others as much, and that’s such a good thing in parenting, because there are plenty of people out there inviting you to compare. When you know yourself, you can ignore those voices. Knowing yourself also gives you the freedom to learn from your mistakes and improve, rather than beat yourself up over you infractions and mistakes. And when you know yourself, you feel joy! And we all deserve joy, especially in our parenting.
The final reason, and there are plenty more I’m sure, is that knowing yourself, and living a life in pursuit of knowing yourself, fills your cup.
You know that cup analogy — where you have to have something in your cup if you’re going to pour into anybody else’s cup; in this case, that would probably mean our children, right?
I once heard on a podcast an interpretation of that analogy that completely transforms the way I look at myself. When we hear that we need to fill our cup so we can pour into someone else’s, we’re picturing the cup being full to the brim, right? So your kid or your neighbor needs some emotional or physical energy from you, your cup is full to the brim, and you’re able to go pour some of it into their cup.
BUT. There’s a problem with this visual. That means your cup gets emptied a bit. And what happens if you have to go pour into a dozen people’s cups? By the time you get there, you’re empty. You haven’t had time to refill. This analogy also suggests that we have to constantly be refilling. It’s a lack mindset. You’re always losing something and then finding a way to get some of it back.
Now what if, instead of pouring from a full cup that empties, your cup is overflowing? What if your cup is always full, because you have what YOU need, and then there’s excess that you can share with others? If you take a spoon and scoop up a bit of the overfill, you don’t have to replenish anything, because you have excess. If you keep your cup in a state of overfill, this is how it always is.
Now, of course, nobody can keep their cup in a state of overfill all the time. But I think the picture is better. We don’t have to give OF ourselves and lose ourselves. We get to give because ourselves are full.
And that’s a much better life, I think, than the one in which we’re constantly depleting and replenishing. Of course, I’ll say it again — we can’t be in that state of overall all the time. But how about we aim for it? How about we let ourselves get completely full?
I believe one way to do this is to be a student of yourself. To always be learning about yourself and loving that learning.
I want to pause and say that this could be painful for many of us. We’ve all experienced hardships and some have experienced abuse that has torn us down. I recognize I’m suggesting something here that is more practical for someone who already feels some level of being emotionally stable and supported. So if this idea of becoming a student of yourself is sounding jarring or triggering, please forgive me, and please be kind to yourself for your feelings. I recognize that for some, what I’m suggesting might be too difficult without therapy. So please feel permission to take care of yourself and find that support.
How to Know Yourself
Let’s talk about how we can come to know ourselves. And again, I’m not suggesting to do this without therapy if you’re in a bad place.
Quiet Time
One of the first and most obvious ways is to get quiet with yourself and dig into who you are — what you like, what you hate, what makes you want to move, what hurts your heart, what you’re good at, what you wish you could be better at, and on.
I think a lot of us picture journaling and meditation when we think of this type of quiet time. And those are definitely two of my ideas. But also, I think there are lots of other less-obvious places for quiet time, when you can just hear your own thoughts and feel comfortable in them.
One is in nature, or in taking walks in your neighborhood. One is in exercise. There’s something about pushing your body that frees up your mind to go where it wants to go.
Another idea is to write down your dreams in the morning. Your dreams are telling you a lot about yourself, so write down what you remember, and you’ll start to see what’s going on in your mind. The more you do this, the better you get at remembering your dreams.
Cleaning is another time when you can get quiet. There’s something about the mindlessness of washing dishes or vacuuming that lets your brain travel. Showering or driving can have the same effect.
I’m sure there are countless ways to get quiet, but the point is to actually do some of them sometimes.
Now, as I’m saying this, I’m remembering I’m supposed to be thinking about for new parents. And well… quiet time is hard to come by in those early stages, that’s for sure. And no matter where you are in your parenting stages, quiet time is still probably hard to come by. So this might be easier said than done, of course, but the point is to figure out how to fit it into your life — and to not feel bad about the amount or the type of quiet time you fit in. If it’s only 60 seconds on Wednesday morning, that’s awesome. Just get quiet at some point.
Remember, you can’t do all the things perfectly all the time.
Learn Your Strengths
Another way to get to know yourself is to learn your strengths. Spend time actively pursuing and understanding where you are strong. Ask others to tell you what your strengths are, think back to what you did well as a child, think of what comes easily to you now. Focus on those throughout your day instead of your weaknesses.
For example, if you’re terrible at cooking but great at social interactions, focus on that strength. When you take your nasty salsa to a potluck, focus on how much fun you’re having with your friends. The thing we tend to do is focus on what we did poorly — so don’t say you had a great time at the potluck, but you ruined it with your gross salsa. Remember how you made a new friend or you told a joke that made fun of your salsa or you got someone to open up to you. And then, don’t even try to make the salsa! Bring store-bought!
In parenting, find what you’re good at, and then enjoy having that be central to your interactions with your kids. If you’re enthusiastic, be enthusiastic with your kids instead of shrinking and hiding that part away. If you’re calm and collected, bring that into your parenting, instead of trying to be outgoing like your neighbor.
In my course, How to Find Your Strengths, I guide you through this process of doing just that — finding your strengths. It’s SO fun because it walks you through so many aspects of yourself in a really positive way. When you’re done, you have this full, individualized picture of yourself that you can use to help you make future decision, improve your happiness now, and so much more. And because I’m so glad you’re here listening to this podcast, I’m going to give you a discount code. Use the discount code PODCAST — all one word — for 25% off.
Face Your Weaknesses
Now the next thing I’m going to say might sound funny after what I was just saying about strengths. But it’s important too. Face your weaknesses.
Instead of hiding your weaknesses or being ashamed of them, bring them to the center of your mind, greet them, and recognize them. And then go back to your strengths. So like the salsa example above, tell yourself you’re a terrible cook and you don’t like it anyway. That’s the facing part. Then decide if you want to overcome it or if you want to just focus on your other strengths. Bring the store-bought salsa without feeling bad, and then let your other strengths take the lead in the party.
In your parenting, if you’re a yeller, face it. Tell yourself you have a tendency to yell, instead of yelling and then beating yourself up. Things grow in shame and hiding. When you hide your weakness from yourself, it still comes out anyway. You’re still going to yell if it’s your weakness. So face it. Recognize that you struggle. And then go back and think of your strengths and shove more of those into your life to crowd out the weakness. The weakness will still be there, but because you’ll be leading with your strengths, it won’t have as much time to come forward. And because you’ll be leading with your strengths, you’ll be more confident, and when the weakness comes forward, you’ll be able to forgive yourself.
I have a good episode on how to find your child’s strengths. It’s episode 15. Go back and listen to that, and you can even apply the questions to yourself.
Do the Things You Love
My next tip for learning how to know yourself is to do the things you love. Keep doing them. A lot of pop culture indicates that once you have kids, you never get to do anything for yourself again. And a lot of social media paints that picture too. So if I were giving advice for new parents, I’d tell them that’s hogwash. Sure, things shift. Sure, your resources, time, energy, and motivation go over to your child. But you still deserve to do the things you love. This is an important part of being a student of yourself. The more you find that you love, the more you know about yourself. It enriches you life, and brings you joy. And that helps you handle parenthood with more joy.
And of course, there is a time and season. You can’t always devote all the time you wish you could to your passions, but having a mindset that you deserve to do what you love will help you make time and space. If you don’t have passions, that’s what becoming a student of yourself is all about. Try things and don’t be afraid to not like them.
Fall in Love with Falling in Love
My next tip for how to be a student of yourself comes from the actor James Payton. A friend of mine shared a Cameo from him. That’s where you can have a celebrity send a personalized message to someone. In the Cameo, he gave 5th graders the advice to fall in love a lot. I loved that!
He said to fall in love with things, with hobbies, with people, with life, with yourself. Isn’t that just a cool image? Let yourself try that. What can you fall in love with this week? This month? This year? Today? This hour?
Go outside and find something to fall in love with. Stare at your child and find something to fall in love with. Stare in the mirror and find something to fall in love with. Make a list of your interests and pick one to fall deeply in love with. The possibilities are just endless when you live a life where your goal is to fall in love again and again.
Allow Indulgences
Another tip for how to be a student of yourself is to allow yourself indulgences. Let yourself have the treats you like, watch the shows you like, go to the places you like. As we get older, we tend to get more practical. It’s not our fault. There are bills to pay and people to keep safe. It’s hard work. But it’s easy to begin to deny ourselves indulgences and luxuries because they aren’t practical. It’s not likely you’ll go overboard on this, because you’re already a practical parent. So give yourself the freedom to enjoy the things you love from time to time. Even if they aren’t practical.
Serve
And my final tip for how to be a student of yourself and how to know yourself is to serve others. Pretty much everything I’ve said until now has been you-centered. And that’s okay. We need to know ourselves. We deserve to know ourselves. And a huge part of knowing ourselves is naturally going to be focusing on ourselves, learning about ourselves.
But when you step outside of that and serve other people, you get to know yourself in new ways. You discover more strengths and more weaknesses, you get humbled, you feel warmth for other people, you learn about other people and learn empathy, and so much more. Plus, you make the world a better place, which that alone is good enough, but it also helps you find your confidence in this world even better.
I think this is one of those episodes that could go on forever and ever without an end. There are so many ways to be a student of yourself. These are just a few that can help you get started. I’d love to hear what you think. What advice would you give to a couple who are about to become parents? Do you think that becoming a student of yourself is good parenting advice? Send me a DM on social media, tag me in a post, or leave a review. Much love to you. And remember, you can get 25% off my course How to Find Your Strengths by using the discount code: PODCAST.
