Podcast Transcript

This podcast is about the magic of giving your kids a do-over. It’s also about breaking down some framing we’ve been taught by society. It’s a great reframe. Listen here, or read the transcript below.

Hello, and welcome to the Pause and Connect Podcast. I’m Rebecca Brown Wright, and I’m so excited you’re here! This topic we’re going to talk about today is a really good one packed with some reframes and what-to-dos. 

This is episode 6, and it’s called: The Big Mistake Parents Make When Trying to Teach a Child a Lesson.

The problem with main-stream parenting advice, the kind of advice you’ll hear from everyone from random strangers to your next-door neighbor, is that it’s all framed by this idea that you need to teach your kids a lesson.

All the time. We feel like there’s always a lesson to be taught. We’re told that if your kids talk back to you, you better punish them so they don’t think this behavior is okay. If you tell them you’re going to give them a consequence if they don’t do X, Y, or Z, then you better follow through with that consequence or they’ll walk all over you.

We’re going to spend this episode breaking down this framing and replacing it with a more helpful framing. Because the idea that your job as a parent is to teach your kids lessons through rewards and punishment is not helpful. It’s not. And I hope that I can convince you of that by the time this episode is over!

I’m going to talk about a more helpful way to approach your child when they do something wrong, and it’s called the do-over. It’s not a novel concept, but it’s one I know I need to be reminded of all the time. And then I’m also going to share what to do when the do-over doesn’t work.

If you’ve been around here for any amount of time, you know this is not a place where we try to change children’s behavior through force. Instead, this is a space where we’re always looking for tools of connection that also improve behavior while improving your relationship. The do-over is one fantastic tool, but just like a hammer isn’t what you need for fixing a greasy hinge, you need more than one tool. So we’ll talk about the do-over and how to do it in a connected way, and then we’ll talk about what to do when that specific tool doesn’t work.

Breaking Down the Framing

But first, let me elaborate on this framing that we’re supposed to teach our children a lesson through consequences when they make a mistake. I read a thread on some platform somewhere I don’t remember that is so relatable. A mom said she wanted her 5-year-old to clean up his toys. It’s a reasonable request, right? Well, the problem was, he never did it. No matter what she said. She was asking for advice on how to get him to clean up his toys.

I think every parent has had this exact challenge. How do we get our kids to clean up their toys? So this is really relatable. I currently have a 6-year-old who drags his feet with this task too. So I clicked on the comments to see if there was any new advice I hadn’t considered. But I was really heartbroken about what I saw. Most of the comments told her she needed to teach her son a lesson. They told her that she needed to take his toys away, or put his toys in time-out, or put HIM in time-out. And so many of the comments had the warning: If you don’t nip this in the bud, if you don’t give him consequences, if you don’t show him you mean business, if you don’t lay down the law, he’ll never learn. And he’ll walk all over you.

This is super common advice.

But this advice is FEAR-based. When you respond to your child in this way, you’re coming from a place of fear for their future. “If I don’t stop this behavior now, it will just get worse.”

I want to challenge you to pay attention to this. When something is fear based, make a mental note and stop yourself. When you’re responding to your child in the moment out of fear for what this means for their future, or fear because you don’t know how to control the situation, stop and reset. Because fear is a terrible motivator, and it causes us to act in extremes. It’s far, far, far better to make decisions out of love and trust than out of fear that we’re letting our kids walk all over us, or fear that our kids are going to go down a wrong path. 

I hope that makes sense. When someone tells you to get control of your child because of a potential negative future, remind yourself that’s not how you make decisions.

The idea that you have to “lay down the law” as a parent is a myth. You can get better behavior and have a better relationship when connection is your motivator. 

Forcing your child to comply by taking something away or punishing in some other way is not the way to make a child learn a lesson. This is a big paradigm shift from the way most of us were raised, so I think it’s helpful to compare what we do to our kids to something that might happen to us as adults.

Think of This in Adult Terms

Okay, so let’s say that you’re working on an important project at work. Let’s say you mess up part of it. And when your boss finds out, she comes tearing into your office and screams at you. Not only that, but she takes you off the project (this is like time-out). She also tells you that you have to eat lunch at your desk for the next week. No leaving the office until this is fixed, young lady. (So that’s your consequence.) 

How do you feel? Do you feel supported? Do you feel like you know what you did wrong, and you know how to fix it in the future? Most importantly, do you feel empowered to keep trying?

No!

Let’s say you knew you made the mistake, like a 5-year-old might know they should be cleaning up but can’t motivate themselves to do so. Even if you knew you made the mistake, you didn’t need your boss punishing you and screaming at you. You needed your boss to ask you if you understood what happened. You needed the chance to explain yourself, ask questions, and make a plan moving forward. With the right conversation with your boss, this could be a huge growth moment. You could go on to do incredible things. But now, you’re going to be afraid. You might live smaller at work. You might look for another job. You most definitely don’t feel safe.

The same thing is happening when we decide to nip our 5-year-old’s defiance in the bud by “teaching him a lesson” and taking away his toys since he won’t clean up. We’re not giving him a chance for understanding and growth. We’re not giving him a chance to explain himself. We’re not looking at the deeper problem and asking ourselves why he isn’t doing this simple task. We’re not asking what’s getting in the way. We’re just punishing. There is no growth. There is no connection.

Now let’s go back to the example of you and your boss. Let’s say you DIDN’T know you made the mistake, which could be the same thing going on with the 5-year-old in our toy scenario. When your boss comes tearing in, you won’t know what hit you. Can you imagine the fear and terror at being treated that way? Or living in fear of that happening? It’s very possible your 5-year-old got distracted and forgot to pick up his toys, even though he was told to do so. It’s very possible he’s experiencing some sort of anxiety about his task. It’s possible he doesn’t know how to get started or he feels overwhelmed. Being put in time-out, having the toys taken away… none of that is going to help him grow and trust you. It’s going to make him fear.

Here’s Another Adult Example

How about another grown-up example? What if your partner is making dinner, and you make a salad to go with it. You get distracted and pour in too much dressing, so now the salad is ruined. If your partner turns to you and yanks the bowl away and sends you to your room, did you learn your lesson? Will you make sure to never pour too much dressing on the salad? I mean, in that situation, it’s clearly wrong for your partner to treat you that way. Right? It’s so obvious. So why do we do it to our children?

In the salad situation, maybe you’ll “learn your lesson.” Maybe you’ll never make the mistake again because you don’t want to be belittled by your partner. But now every time you make a salad, you’re going to be on edge. You might turn down salad-making opportunities, and it might turn into a huge thing in your relationship. You might even fear your partner in other situations.

And it’s the same with your kids. Maybe your 5-year-old will pick up their toys when you threaten to take them away, but she won’t be feeling good about herself. She might remember to pick them up again the next time, but it will be out of fear.

That’s not what we want to do to our kids.

But that’s what we’re told to do, and we’re told it’s right. And because there really aren’t obvious alternatives, we keep doing it. There’s nothing wrong with us if we parent this way. We’ve been taught to do this. But I want to give you some hope that there is a gentler, more connected way to do it.

And I’m not quite done with the salad comparison. Let’s talk about what happens if you DON’T “learn your lesson.” Because this happens to kids all the time. They forget to connect the past consequence with their current behavior. So in the salad situation, maybe the next time you go to make a salad, you’ll get distracted and pour too much dressing on it again. When you realize what you’ve done, you’re going to feel fear. Maybe you’ll hide it from your partner, or cower, or start a huge argument, or some other sort of defense. Because you don’t want to deal with the wrath of your partner. And quite frankly, this is going to suck for your relationship. Maybe you’ll feel shame for being someone who can’t even make a salad. Do you see how that previous punishment can carry on in damaging ways?

Consequences Don’t Teach the Lesson We Think They’re Teaching

So this is what’s going on with your child. If they don’t want to pick up their toys and they refuse, coming down hard with a consequence is NOT going to teach the lesson everyone thinks it’s going to teach. It *might* get your child to quickly clean up IN THAT MOMENT, but it won’t help them get better at cleaning up consistently.  And I emphasize *might,* because not every child will even be motivated by a consequence. I have a blog post about this and kids with ADHD, and how they aren’t motivated by consequences. I’ll link to it in the show notes. It’s a good read, even if you don’t have a child with ADHD, because it helps explain why consequences aren’t effective for a lot of kids.

The thing is, people make mistakes, and children are still learning. And just like in our salad example, you *might* never make that mistake again. But you will be on edge and your relationship will be affected by your partner’s actions. Or you might continue to make the mistake, and feel worse and worse about yourself, your partner, and your relationship.

Does that make sense?

So it doesn’t make sense for us to be doling out punishments and consequences to our kids. We can look at our own lives and see that they don’t work for us. So why would they work for kids? 

But What If Your Child DOES Cooperate After a Consequence?

Now, if your child is cooperating after a consequence, and you think I’m wrong, I totally get it. 

I was a child who cooperated after consequences. And I have one child who cooperated when I used to use consequences. There is a personality this works for. But that doesn’t mean it’s right. It’s a band-aid for a short-term solution. It doesn’t help your child feel safe to make mistakes and learn from them. And this way of disciplining breaks connection. 

And when connection is broken, it’s hard to learn.

How Do We Step Away From Consequences?

So how do we step away from feeling like we need to teach our kids a lesson in the moment by using consequences? I mean, this is so ingrained in our society. How do we make those changes in our families?

Think about connection.

When you connect with your child, you actually help their brain to form better connections that help with self-regulation, managing impulsivity, and managing emotions, and more. There’s science behind this. Your child’s brain actually forms new, stronger connections that are necessary for growth and emotional resilience and strength when their parents connect with them instead of punishing them. A FANTASTIC book that explains this is The Whole Brain Child. Seriously fantastic. It breaks it down so simply, and it even has diagrams of the brain that you can use to teach your child about these concepts so they can have more control of their emotions. 

So back to our toy situation. And we’ll throw in a teenage situation later as well. If you TRULY want your child to get successful at a skill — like cleaning up their toys — connection needs to be a part of the process.

In this new connection mindset, the goal of parenting becomes more about teaching skills and getting to the heart of the matter than about forcing kids to comply.

And this is where the do-over comes in.

Give Your Child a Do-Over

I love the do-over, because it allows parents to stop and see their child and their struggles, and it allows children to try again and learn from their mistakes.

Remember, your goal is not to stop a behavior. It’s to teach skills through connection. 

So let’s say your teenager talks back to you. This is not a behavior you allow in your house. The traditional approach which involves rules and consequences might be to say, “Hey, you know the rule. Give me your phone for the rest of the night.” 

We’ve been told this way is good, because it reinforces that the behavior is unacceptable. But we aren’t training dogs! We’re raising children who we want to have good relationships with. Punishing them every time they mess up might get the behavior you want, but it’s not helping them think for themselves. It’s not fostering trust and love and support. It’s just reinforcing that when an authority figure says they have to do something, well, they better do it. And we want our kids to think beyond the authority figures in their lives.

And we all make mistakes sometimes!

So give your child a do-over.

How to Give Your Child a Do-Over

First, go to them and hug them. I recommend this as a first step in every situation where things are breaking down, because it works. Now, I always have to include the caveat that if you have a hcild who doesn’t accept hugs, don’t force hugs on them. But do figure out how they allow you to connect.

Once you are connected and your child’s emotions are under control and you have their attention, you can teach them. You can help them learn the lesson they need to learn.

So you take a deep breath, hug your child, get your own voice calm, and say, “I don’t think you meant to use that tone. Can you try again?”

Because the truth is, your child might NOT have meant to sass you. That’s totally possible. I know I snap at my family members sometimes before I meant to. I’d hate it if someone swiped in and took my phone away. There are so many reasons why your child might be making a mistake. And coming down with a swift consequence is only going to make them react. And even if they DID mean to do it, and you give them a swift consequence, they aren’t learning how to be kind for kindness sake. They’re learning that if they want to keep their phone, they have to watch their mouth.

And that’s not the way I want to view my children. I don’t want to view them as little robots that do what I say. I want to view them as developing, growing, children who can get better and better at skills as time goes on.

So when you connect with the hug, you help your child’s brain calm down. And then when you ask them to please try again, you’re giving them the chance to learn the correct lesson. You’re giving htem the chance to develop their skill. 

And, probably most importantly, you’re building your relationship. You’re becoming a person they can trust, because they know they can mess up and try again without fear.

What It Looks Like When You Give Your Child a Do-Over

Let’s go back to the toy situation. If you ask your child to clean up their toys and then you come back and realize they haven’t done anything, don’t punish. Don’t give a consequence. Don’t take away their toys. All that’s going to do is inspire anger and fear. For a certain type of child, it might get immediate compliance, but that’s not our goal. We want the child to feel safe, secure, and willing to learn.

Instead, give your child a hug. Say something non-accusatory, like, “It looks like you’re having trouble getting the toys picked up. How about we try together?”

This is a do-over, and this is teaching your child the skill of cleaning up toys WHILE those important connections are being made. Your child will build on this as they grow. THIS is the lesson you want to teach — you want to teach skills through a loving, connected way. Your child will learn how to take care of their things OVER TIME, as they are supported in learning this skill.

This is more long-haul parenting. 

Yes, a punishment is quicker. But they’re not going to learn the skill for the next time. And they’re not going to feel safe.

Keep going back to connection. Connection. Connection.

Remember our example from before with the boss who screamed at you? What if, instead, your boss sits with you and helps you understand how you messed up in a gentle way. You’re going to remember how to do better. You’re going to feel good, and you’re going to try harder, but you’ll be trying harder from a place of security. So you’ll do even better. And what about our salad example? What if when you soaked the salad, your partner just laughed and said, “Mistakes happen.” Then nothing else needs to be done! You know what you did, and you know you can do better next time. You don’t have to hate yourself right now.

I hope that makes sense.

Do-Over Examples

So today, when your child does something defiant — and it will happen! — give them a do-over. Go over to them. Give them a hug. Say, “I don’t think you meant to talk that way to me. I think you meant to speak more calmly. Can you try again?”

Say, “It looks like you’re having a hard time getting the kitchen clean. You forgot the dishes on the counter. WIll you please try again?” Instead of, “You didn’t get the dishes. You know this is your chore. You need to give me your phone for the rest of the night.”

Say, “It looks like you forgot to brush your teeth! Let me go with you.”

Keep your relationship at the center of the exchange. You don’t have to teach a lesson by making them behave right now. Instead, you’re teaching them you’re there, no matter what. You’re teaching them they can do better and they deserve to do better. It’s a positive thing to do better. They don’t need to be forced into it. 

Now What if the Do-Over Doesn’t Work? 

What if your child doesn’t respond? What if they keep sassing you or refuse to pick up their toys? Not every child is going to comply, especially if this is new. 

If your child doesn’t respond to the do-over, it’s likely that there is a bigger issue happening. It’s likely that their emotions are flooding their brain, and making it impossible for them to access their logic.

Let’s say your teen talks back to you, and you say, “Oh, I don’t think you meant to use that tone. Can you try again?”

And let’s say they yell back, and even swear at you or call you names.

This is NOT the time a do-over is going to work. This is a time when your child is dysregulated.

Or if you say to your 5-year-old, “Oh, it looks like you missed some toys. Let’s try again together.” And your 5-year-old screams and throws a toy at your face.

This is NOT a time to sweetly say, “Oh, I don’t think you meant to hurt me. Let’s try again.” This is a time when your child needs to calm down. And telling them what to do, no matter how nicely, is not going to help them calm down.

What if YOU Feel Dysregulated?

This is also probably NOT a time that you’re going to feel regulated. This is a time when your heart is going to beat fast, your face is going to feel hot, your head is going to start pounding, and you’re going to want to reach for the huge consequences. This is when you’re going to want to take away your teen’s driver’s license, take their door off their room, take away their phone, ground them from Prom. This is a time when you’re going to want to pick up all your 5-year-old’s toys and throw them in the trash, put them in time out, or even spank them.

YOU. ARE. NORMAL. These feelings are normal. But just like your child’s brain is flooded and they can’t access their logic, you can’t either. 

This is NOT a time for you to make any decisions. 

So take the pressure off yourself. Take deep breaths. Remind yourself this is just a moment, and it doesn’t define your child’s future. It. is. A. Moment. Take a breath. When you feel calmer, remind yourself about connection. Keep your relationship at the center. 

Give your child a hug. If they’re too wound up or you’re too wound up, communicate this. “I need to calm down.” But don’t stomp away. Remember connection, even in this time. Say, “I need to calm down. I love you so much. I want to resolve this. I need a moment.”

Then, when you can come back with a calm heart, give them a hug.

How This Approach Looks in Real Life

This happened recently to me. My teen had a bad grade, and I began to tell her what she needed to do to pull it up. I didn’t realize she was already stressed out, and so my advice was poorly timed. She went through the roof. Glares, yells, stomps, all of it. 

I wasn’t in a moment where I was aware of myself, so I yelled back. And I reached for a consequence. I don’t remember what it was. Probably no screen time until she did it my way. She yelled louder, things escalated. You know how this goes.

I stepped out of view for a moment, took a breath, and calmed down.

And then I went back to her and hugged her. And I just hugged her until I felt her shoulders fall. Mind you, I was still partly upset when I began this hug. But when I felt her melt, MY heart melted. It was healing for BOTH of us.

Then I sat down next to her, instead of standing over her like I had done before, and I apologized for getting upset. We talked about how to fix her grade, and I heard her. 

When ALL of that was done, I went back to how she treated me. I told her it hurt my feelings, and she apologized. 

In the end, even though I first reached for the traditional consequence to force her behavior, we resolved things through connection. And do you see how, even though she sassed me and treated me rude, there was no consequence needed? Once I calmed my brain down and focused on connection, we healed from that exchange together.

In the past, before I parented this way, I would have given the consequence, she would have fought it, I would have given more, we all would have gone to bed angry… you know what I mean. We’ve all experienced this.

Now, the do-over WOULD have worked in this situation if she had not been so stressed out. It would have been perfect if I said, “Hey, how are you going to get your homework done today?” and she said, “GOSH, I’m working on it,” and then I said, “Oh shoot. I don’t think you meant to talk to me that way. Can you try again?” That would have worked. But it didn’t work when she was already worked up and stressed out.

That’s when I needed to drop the idea of getting her to fix her sass and instead focus on the deeper issue — her overwhelm about her grades — and work on it with her together. That’s when I needed to connect deeply with her so we could both feel love and trust, and so she could understand I’m on her side.

Summing up

To sum up: Keep your relationship and connection at the center. Keep a long-term perspective. Remember, this moment is not going to destroy your child’s future. But with connection, you can build a strong foundation to handle everything that’s coming your way. Use the connected do-over when your child makes a mistake. When the do-over isn’t the right fit, calm your own emotions and connect with your child. Keep going back to connection. Connection first. Resolutions later.

I hope this has been helpful. Please remember that you’re doing fantastic work. You’re parenting a child who has never been a child before, and there’s so much to learn. Remember, Rome wasn’t built in a day, and you and your child are going to gradually get to where you need to be. Have a great day, and remember to give yourself do-overs too.  

If you want someone to walk you through these steps and learn how to discipline without yelling, check out my course, How to Stop Yelling. You’ll get five lessons packed with actionable, easy-to-implement steps for making your home a yell-free zone (most of the time) through connection.