Podcast Transcript #8: What to Do When Your Kid Freaks Out
Hello, and welcome to Pause and Connect. I’m Rebecca Brown Wright, and this is episode 8: What to Do When Your Kid Freaks Out (or Has a Meltdown)
My daughter and I were taking a walk around the neighborhood once, and I had to tell her no about something. I don’t even remember what it was, but I remember the meltdown. She was older — maybe 7 or 8 — and she was screaming and crying, even though her friends were watching just a few feet away. She didn’t care what people thought of her.
And I was flabbergasted. I’d been a mom for enough time to know that meltdowns happen, but I didn’t know how to handle them at this stage, when I thought they should be over. And truthfully, I still didn’t know how to handle them at the younger stages.
The meltdowns in public, like this one, were embarrassing. The meltdowns at home left me feeling helpless and angry. I yelled a lot and took away toys. I did everything I could to to try and control those meltdowns and get them to STOP.
It wasn’t pretty.
Fortunately, I learned a better approach along the way. I began using this approach when my youngest was 2, and I still use it for all my kids — and even myself sometimes.
So in this episode, I’m going to share some dos and don’ts for how to handle meltdowns in a connected way. This way doesn’t involve consequences or punishments. Here at Pause and Connect, we’re about seeking solutions through connection. And I’ll walk you through how to make that work. And after you begin handling meltdowns in this more connected way, you’ll find that your own emotions will be easier to control.
Because if you’re anything like me, your kids’ meltdowns can send your own heart rate pumping and head filling with anger. And there’s nothing wrong with feeling overwhelmed by your kids’ meltdowns — they’re HARD. But there is a way — a connected way — to make it all more manageable for everyone, to reduce the length of your child’s meltdowns, to reduce the frequency of your child’s meltdowns, and to calm your own heart and nerves.
Why Does Your Child Have Meltdowns?
First, why does your child freak out in the first place? This is important to understand, because your child’s meltdowns seem really ridiculous sometimes.
I know we’ve all experienced the toddler furious at us for giving them the blue cup when they wanted the green cup — even when they ASKED for the blue cup in the first place. And if you have older kids or teenagers, you’ve experienced your child blowing up at you for looking at them “wrong.”
It’s puzzling, but when you understand a little of their brains, it makes a bit more sense.
You’ve heard of fight, flight, or freeze, yes? This happens when your child is feeling stress. In the stressful situation, they have an amygdala hijack, where their brain responds as if there’s a predator. Now, there isn’t really a wolf hunting them down, so the blue cup seems ridiculous yes? But no. It’s a stressful situation for your toddler, because they don’t have control. They don’t feel good, and their situation isn’t working for them. So that fight, flight, or freeze reaction kicks in, and they fight with tears, screams, kicking, and throwing.
But this still feels weird, right? Why would they be feeling threatened by the wrong cup or the wrong look? Well, the thing is, kids’ frontal lobes in their brains are not fully developed. And those frontal lobes are pretty important for things like logic, reasoning, and self-control. So even though your child isn’t TRULY in danger when they get the wrong color cup or a crusty look from you, their frontal lobe doesn’t always let them access mature logic, reasoning, and self-control.
Meltdowns Often Come from Emotional Flooding
Think of it like a flood. Their brain floods with this intense emotion — an emotion they don’t like. And it’s scary. Because it’s the ONLY thing happening in their brain right now. And it feels like a threat.
Later, when they’re calm, they’re not going to need to kick and scream. Because the flood will be gone. But right now, while their brain floods and their undeveloped frontal lobe doesn’t let them access reasoning and logic, well, they’re going to freak out.
Children think emotionally. We all think emotionally actually! It’s important to remember that. Logic is not always the deciding factor in their reactions. Does this mean we can’t expect them to use logic? No, it doesn’t mean that. But it does mean that when their brain is flooded with emotion, they don’t have control. And when we know that, we can adjust our responses to help them — and us.
In these times, kids don’t have the ability to sit and discuss what’s going on in their brain. They can’t say, “Mother, I really feel frustrated that you said it’s time to leave the park. I would like to spend more time here. Would you be open to a negotiation?”
They just can’t do that now.
Understanding this is so important, because it provides a framework for how to approach your child when they’re having a meltdown. When you get what’s going on, you’re better equipped to handle problems.
Think of it this way. If you have a leak in your ceiling, but you don’t know where it’s coming from, you can’t fix it. You just can’t. Every time it rains, you’re going to see this leak again. Telling it to stop isn’t going to make it stop. You can’t will it away. But if you get on the roof and figure out where the leak is (or hire someone to do it), you can figure out how to solve the problem.
It’s similar with kids. If you don’t know where the meltdown is coming from (an undeveloped frontal lobe), then how can you respond in a way that will help?
So let’s talk about how to respond. Here are a bunch of Dos and Don’ts
How to Handle a Meltdown Tip 1: Do Manage Self-Care
The first thing is to take care of yourself. We’ve all heard the oxygen mask theory. In an airplane emergency, if you need to use the oxygen masks, you need to put it on yourself first, because what good will you be to your child if you pass out?
So this first DO is DO: take care of yourself. This is preventative maintenance.
I always laugh when I read articles about how to help your child with meltdowns, and it tells parents to stay calm.
Really? How are you supposed to stay calm when your child is screaming in your face and throwing toys all around the room?
It’s really hard. And it’s extra hard to try and access our own calm when our own needs aren’t being taken care of. So if you make your own self-care a priority — whether or not your child is in a hard phase — you’ll be better equipped to remain calm when your child freaks out.
Doesn’t mean it will be easy! But you’ll be more ready.
So how do you take care of yourself? Does this mean you need a bubble bath every night? Maybe for some. But more likely, you need the basics: sleep, food, and shower. Make these non negotiable if you can. (If you have a newborn or some other challenging life phase, I salute you. These basics are not always easy to come by.)
Additionally, you deserve to do what you love. So don’t trick yourself and say that self-care is going to the grocery store alone. That’s running an errand. Meet your basic needs — sleep, food, and shower — and then make sure you get to do something you love too. This makes us feel whole. It could be as basic as binge-watching a Netflix show, or it could be elaborate, like rock-climbing weekends. Your stage of life, income, mobility largely determines what you can and can’t do. But you do deserve to do something you love.
When your basic needs are being met, and then when you even get to add in something you love, it’s a little easier to handle your child’s meltdowns.
Because then, when your child talks back to you, you don’t have to fight your own emotionally-flooded brain. Because your brain is being taken care of.
One other critical component of self-care is to forgive yourself and learn from mistakes, instead of beating yourself up for not being perfect. If this is a challenge, listen to my podcast episode 7: Why You Think You’re a Bad Mom. It talks about how to be kinder to yourself.
The point here is not to overwhelm you with another to-do. I don’t want you to hear this and say, “Great. Another person telling me to get massages every week.” I just want you to understand that YOU are worth basic self-care and self-love. Do what feels right to you and what fits into your life, but make sure you do it. That’s the point here. Don’t let yourself be so completely back-burner that none of your needs get met.
Not only do you deserve to feel good, you’ll be able to manage your child’s meltdowns with so much more calm when you feel taken care of. This benefits everyone.
Do Have a Plan
Okay, our next DO is Do have a plan. And that’s what we’re going to continue to go into in this episode. Do have a plan. Do know what you’re going to do the next time your child freaks out. Because we know it’s going to happen. It’s going to happen today or tomorrow. Make a plan for what you will do, instead of being blindsided when it happens.
Don’t Lecture
So let’s get into the planning stage, shall we?
We’ll begin with a Don’t.
Don’t lecture.
When your child is having a meltdown, DON’T lecture them.
Remember this important information from before. When your child is having a meltdown, they aren’t accessing their logic. Their brain is actually preventing them from accessing logic and self-control. It’s not their fault. It’s just biology.
So, even though you’re tasked with teaching your child how to behave appropriately, this isn’t the time to give them a lecture.
It’s tempting though! If your teenager slams the door and tells you you’re the rudest person in her life, you sure may want to say, “Don’t you dare talk to me that way!”
But that’s your own brain flooding with emotion. You can avoid your own brain flooding by remembering to manage your own self-care regularly so your brain doesn’t react with anger so quickly. And remember to have a plan, which we’ll develop in this episode.
When your 5-year-old throws a toy at her baby brother, this isn’t the time to launch into a lecture. She threw the toy because she was upset. If you lecture her, she won’t hear you. Save the teaching for later.
Don’t Talk Them Out of Their Feelings
This leads us to another don’t. (And don’t worry. There are lots of dos coming that will tell you what to do instead.)
The next don’t is don’t talk them out of their feelings.
When your child cries because water spilled on their paper, don’t tell them it’s not a big deal. Don’t tell them it will dry so they should be fine. Don’t tell them this is a small thing in life, and one day they’ll know what a real problem is.
Similarly, when your teenager breaks up with someone, don’t tell them this is just a tiny moment and they’ll have plenty more breakups. Don’t tell them they’re better off.
Everything they’re feeling is real. It’s all valid, even if it doesn’t seem like a big deal to you. Make sure you’re not using words that make them feel small, like “freaking out over the tiniest thing.”
Just let them have their feelings. Nobody wants to fight to explain that their feelings are valid.
Which brings us to a Do, which is:
Do Validate Their Feelings
This is one of the most powerful tools a parent has. Validating your child’s feelings strengthens your child. It helps them stop fighting to be heard and to feel secure with who they are and their place in your world, the family, and their own world.
Just think of how you feel when someone doesn’t validate your own feelings. I once tried to tell a family member about some negative experiences I had had. This person told me I didn’t know what real problems are and that my experiences weren’t that bad. Do you think I’ll ever talk to that person again about my problems? And I don’t even mean about my problems related to that one subject. I’ll never share anything personal with that person again, because I can’t trust them to hear me or respect me.
We absolutely don’t want to do this to our children. We don’t want to shut them down or make them feel like their feelings aren’t worthy. They deserve to process their feelings in a safe way. We want to be safe landing places for our children where they can work out all the messiness of life.
So do validate. Do show love and acceptance for your child’s feelings.
How do you validate?
A couple easy phrases to keep in your pocket are: “This is hard.” “You wish it wasn’t this way.” “I’m sorry.” “I wish this didn’t have to happen.”
Do Hug
A way to make validation more meaningful and effective is to pair it with a hug. If your child welcomes hugs or physical closeness, give that to them when they are having a meltdown.
I want to remind you that when your child is freaking out, or having a meltdown, they can’t access logic and reason. Their brain is flooded with their huge emotional response. So you can do a whole world of good by being a calming presence for them.
Going to them and being near them physically, or touching them gently, or hugging them helps them to feel safe and secure. It helps them to calm down and regulate their emotions as they feel your regulated emotions.
Remember, you have been doing the work to get your own needs met, so you have a better chance at feeling calm. Go to your child with a hug as they begin to melt down and you’ll help their brain calm down.
There’s science behind this! Hugging triggers the release of oxytocin, which is a hormone that’s associated with trust, safety, and love. It also lowers their stress hormones. Sheese Louise, it’s like we have a built-in meltdown stopper — hugs!
And it goes both ways. You get the oxytocin benefits too. YOU get to have your stress hormones lowered, and you get to feel that trust, safety, and love too.
Now, people might tell you that this is spoiling your child to give them a hug when they’re melting down, freaking out, or doing something inappropriate. But how could it be? If our job as parents is to support, nurture, and teach our children, wouldn’t it make sense that providing them with safety and security when their brains are flooded with emotion is the most important thing we can do? It’s not spoiling. It’s helping your child’s brain grow and develop to be emotionally strong, resilient, and safe.
You’re helping them learn how to regulated their emotions, and that’s incredibly connecting for the two of you, and empowering for their whole selves.
Don’t Send Them Away
This leads me to a don’t.
Don’t send your child away when they’re freaking out. Don’t send yourself away. This bit of advice goes against traditional parenting these days. Time-outs are so encouraged, because they’re better than spanking.
But remember the oxytocin of hugs? Remember the immaturity of your child’s brain and the inability to access logic and reason during a meltdown?
Sending your child away from you during this time is going to leave them without the tools they need to calm down, learn from this, and do better.
Your child still needs you. They need you when they’re freaking out. They need you when they’re being “bad.” I say quote unquote, because kids really aren’t bad. They’re learning.
So what do you do instead? Well, this leads me into my next DO, which is
Do Change Your Mindset
Do change your mindset that you are in this for the long haul. The meltdown is right now, but your relationship is forever. Change your mindset from how to get through this meltdown to how to connect and build your relationship. When you approach the meltdown from a place of connection — rushing to connect with your child instead of separating them from you to try and teach them a lesson — then you’ll stay with them until they’re okay.
It isn’t always easy, but it will work.
I began doing this on the advice of a therapist. My daughter had the LONGEST meltdowns. I’m talking hours. If you know, you know. If you don’t, be glad.
Nothing I did fixed the meltdowns. It was so aggravating because I had other kids who needed me too. And she was taking over the entire family.
Our therapist suggested I hold her during her next meltdown. She was about 8 years old. I thought my therapist was crazy. But she challenged me to hold my daughter and time how long the meltdown lasted.
Remember, the meltdowns had been HOURS before. Tears from both of us. Slammed doors. Yelling. Shouting. Stomping. Even spanking sometimes, when I had no idea what else to do.
The first time I held my daughter?
10 minutes.
For 10 minutes, she cried in my lap.
It was a long 10 minutes, and I almost gave up.
But it ended.
It ended and we snuggled and talked and the problem was resolved. We went back to our lives. I took care of my other kids. We didn’t go to bed in tears that night.
This was monumental. Again, if you know, you know.
I began doing it more, and doing it with all of my kids. Soon, it only took a minute or less for my children to calm down from my hug.
I wasn’t so flustered every time someone had a meltdown.
Soon, I had this fantastic new tool that worked every time I used it.
Now, I still needed to use other tools that I’m sharing in this episode, but that mindset of staying WITH my child instead of sending them away… well, it changed everything.
What if Your Child WANTS to Go Away?
And you know? This works if your child wants to go away from you too. If they refuse the hug, refuse the comfort, you can sit yourself down and say, “That’s okay. I love you, and I’m going to sit outside your door until you’re ready for me.” And then do it. Sit and wait.
They will come to you. You will heal together. It’s incredible, healing, and beautiful.
My little boy used to do this when he was 3 and 4. He’d run away when I tried to give him a hug when he was melting down. So I sat down in the living room and told him that was okay, and I would wait to give him love as soon as he was ready. He would peek around the corner and when he saw me noticing, he’d run back away. But eventually, he’d crawl into my lap.
This works with my teenager too. If she stomps off because she’s just too mad, I’ll say, “That’s okay. I’ll be here as soon as you’re ready for a hug.”
Eventually she comes back.
If you’re starting this with your 9- or 15-year-old and you’ve never done this before, I’m not going to promise that it will work right away. You may need to add your own twists. But it will work eventually. Everyone wants love from their parents. Keep connection at the center of your exchange, and you will eventually connect.
So DO change your mindset from how to get through this meltdown to how to connect and build your relationship.
What to talk about once you’ve validated their feelings, hugged, stayed with them?
That brings us to our next DO which is:
Do Label
Remember earlier, we talked about getting rid of saying things like, “There’s nothing to be mad about.” or “It’s not a big deal.”
We talked about validating and saying, “This is hard. You wish it wasn’t this way.”
You can also label what’s going on once your child is feeling calm. Saying, “You’re frustrated you couldn’t have the green cup, aren’t you?” puts a lot of power in your child’s powerless world. Now they know why they’re upset, and they know you understand.
If your teenager is stomping around because they have to do chores, you can say, “You’re upset because you have so much homework to do, and you’re worried these chores aren’t going to leave you enough time to get your homework done, aren’t you?”
Being understood is POWERFUL. Your child doesn’t have to fight you anymore. They don’t have to demonstrate their frustration with stomps and throws and scratching and hitting. Because they know you get it.
This also helps your child understand that feelings are normal. It’s totally fine to feel stressed about too much homework, just like us adults get stressed about too much work. You want your child to go through life unafraid to experience their emotions.
So DO label.
And if you don’t know why your child is upset? Guess and ask. “You’re angry because your sister took your shirt, aren’t you?” If you’re wrong, your child will tell you. Maybe it’s, “No, I’m angry because you don’t buy me cool clothes and I feel like an idiot at school!” Well, now you have somewhere to go. Now you can figure out how to help.
Labeling does that. You either get it right and your child feels validated. Or you get it wrong, but your child has the chance to tell you what’s really going on.
And when you know what’s going on, you know how to move forward.
Another tip is to listen and repeat what they say. If your child says they hate their sibling, say, “You feel like you don’t like your sister.” No judgment. No moralizing or lecturing. Just repeat what they say. Of course, if they’re saying hurtful things about a family member, go somewhere where they can’t be overheard.
But the point is, listen, repeat. Label. All of this helps your child lose the need to fight.
Do Remember: Kids Do Well When They Can
One of the most important things to remember through all of this is that kids do well when they can. If they aren’t doing well, it’s because something is getting in the way. So if your child is melting down, they’re lacking a skill in this current moment. When you keep this in mind, you can handle this moment as a moment, rather than an epic lifetime failure.
Which leads me to my next DON’T:
Don’t Take It Personally
Your child might tell you you’re mean, they hate you, you’re the worst. They may scream in public, smash objects, and hit you.
It’s not personal. They are overcome. Your child is overwhelmed. They need you.
It’s helpful for me to repeat the idea that kids do well when they can as a mantra: Kids do well when they can. Say it over and over, and you’ll remove the personal from the difficult situation.
Remember, taking care of your own basic needs regularly will help you withstand these incredibly hard moments.
Do Remember Perspective When Your Child Has a Meltdown
DO remember perspective: This is hard. This is so hard. But this is a moment in your relationship. Your relationship. That is the important part of this exchange. If your child is difficult, remember to keep connection and perspective at the center of your actions.
And always be willing to forgive yourself if you wish you reacted a different way. We’re all learning, and this is hard.
To sum up:
Remember children freak out and have meltdowns because their brains aren’t fully developed yet.
You deserve to take care of your own needs, and when you do, you’ll be better equipped to handle the difficult emotions.
Do have a plan.
And that plan involves hugs instead of sending kids away, validating emotions instead of telling kids to stop, changing your mindset from how to get through this meltdown to how to connect and build your relationship. Use the tool of labeling what your child is feeling, remember kids do well when they can, and don’t take their behavior personally. Keep this all in perspective: your relationship is the most important. When you focus on connecting with your child in their meltdown and staying with them, you’ll both get through this stronger.
I hope this has been helpful. There’s a lot in this episode, but all of these principles are expanded on everywhere I communicate — on social media, in my emails (just send me an email to get on my list: connect at rebeccabrownwright dot com), in my blog posts, and in other podcast episodes. Follow me to hear these principles again and again so they become more routine in your life.
Please share with someone who needs this message. Remember, this is a process, and no matter where you are, don’t compare yourself to others. Just keep going. You’re doing good work.