How to Set Goals – and Actually Achieve Them

I love setting goals. I love thinking about them, writing them down, and making plans. Oh, so many plans!

I’ve always been a goal-setter, but I haven’t always been a goal-achiever. 

And I’ve been pretty hard on myself for some of the goals I didn’t reach. I never ran that marathon, I didn’t lose those 10 pounds, I didn’t learn how to read a sewing pattern, I haven’t seen the Great Wall of China, and I didn’t stop yelling — completely

{I did reduce my yelling significantly! Learn 3 ways to yell less this week!}

But over the years, I’ve learned what doesn’t work, and I’ve learned some things that, when consistently applied, have helped me actually achieve my goals.

There are a gazillion tips for goal setting, and I began to write this post on how I set goals — and achieve them — but I found myself at 1,898 words with no end in sight. 

I realized this is a bigger subject than I originally thought! Reading every step all at once is super overwhelming, so instead, this post is going to be about the two most important components of how I set goals — and achieve them.

Goals that don’t have emotion behind them are harder to meet. Think about it: You want to lose 10 pounds because you used to be 10 pounds lighter. But then you get to work on this goal, and the weight doesn’t budge. You want it — you do! But you’re having a hard time reaching that goal.

It’s not that you’re lazy. It’s not that you’re stupid. Or lacking discipline. Or any of that baloney you’re telling yourself.

It’s probably that you didn’t want it for a compelling-enough (to you) reason. You didn’t have emotion behind it. 

Maybe you want to lose weight because you’re comparing yourself to others. Or maybe you want to fit into your wedding dress (comparing yourself to yourself). Or maybe you want to wear a certain swimsuit to the beach this summer (comparing yourself to other people on the beach — you feel you have to look a certain way). 

It may seem like these are motivating reasons, but they don’t go down deep, so it’s hard to be emotionally motivated for the long term. 

Now, I’m not a fitness expert. I only know that I can’t stay motivated to lose weight when I’m only doing it for vanity and comparison reasons. When I think about how I want to feel better, or how I want more peace of mind about what my body can do, it’s easier to stay fixated on my emotional goal.

Maybe you want to have a certain amount of money saved in the bank. You pick a number that sounds good, and get to saving. But soon, you see a great deal on something you’ve had your eye on, and you go over budget. Or you’ve had a long week, and even though you promised yourself you wouldn’t order take-out until you saved your dollar amount, you find yourself using Doordash.

You’re not lazy. You’re not hopeless.

You just didn’t attach emotional value to your goal. Instead of saving to reach a certain dollar amount, determine what it will mean when you have that dollar amount. Does it represent financial security, peace, and safety so you can sleep at night? Is that money for a vacation that is going to bring your family joy? 

Get down to the emotional aspect of your goal, and that will keep you going. Eventually, the high of chasing goals wears off and the tedious, hard work sets in. You need that deep emotion to keep you in the game.

Pssst… Maybe You Don’t Really Want It

The other side of this is that when you start searching for the deep, emotional reason for achieving this goal, you might find that there isn’t one! Maybe it’s time to reevaluate your goal.

For example, I once set a goal to run a marathon. Everyone was doing it, and it just looked cool. 

Not surprisingly, I never ran a marathon. I beat myself up over it for a couple years. Then, I finally reexamined myself, and realized I actually had no desire to run a marathon.

Like, at all. 

It had all been about comparison. 

I did have a strong desire to be a runner, though. When I slept, I had dreams of running without stopping. It was free. It was exhilarating. I felt strong. I wanted those feelings in my waking life.

So I decided to follow the Couch to 5K app — just for myself. I just wanted to build up my endurance so that I could feel free, strong, and joyful while running. 

And it worked! I ran one 5K race, and it was fine. It had never been about the race. It was about getting to the point where I could run freely.

So Do This:

Write down WHY you want to reach your goal. Keep asking yourself WHY until you get to the deep emotion of why this goal is important to you. Then, focus on that emotion.

If you don’t get to that point, maybe this isn’t a goal you need to pursue, after all. 

If you want to reach your goal (that is deeply emotionally motivated), you need to make time for it. 

But it’s not really enough to say, “I’m going to run three times a week.” Or, “I’m going to put $XX into my bank account every week.”

You have to take out your calendar, and schedule in your steps until you reach the finish line.

This involves working backwards.

And This Is How You Do It:

1. Once you’ve figured out your deep, emotionally motivated goal, picture what it will look like at the end. In my running example, a 5K represented the finish line for that goal. I knew that once I could run that far without stopping, I would experience that joy of running I felt in my dreams. If you want to start a business, what does it look like in the end? Or, since a business probably doesn’t have an end, what does a major milestone look like? Is it the day you open your store? The day your website goes up? The day you sell your first product?
   
2. Now that you’ve pictured what the end result (or the first major milestone) looks like, set a realistic date for you to accomplish it. Write it in your calendar.
   
3. Don’t stop there. Write down each step it will take to reach this point. If you’re doing something complex, like starting a business, you may not know every step at this point, but you can make some solid guesses.
   
4. Don’t stop there! Go and plug in each step into your calendar. In our business example, this might mean your first step is to secure your domain name. In our running example, the first step might be to get fitted for running shoes. Schedule each step into your calendar. Actually take the time now to block off the time in the future.
   
5. Now you have a beautiful, custom step-by-step plan for reaching your goal. But don’t stop there! Reevaluate as you go. You may have to push some dates back, or add steps. This is expected, and totally fine.

If you have a goal of being a calmer parent, sign up for my quick email series to help you yell less. Over the next week, I’ll send you three emails with three straightforward tips to implement right-this-second. If you’re passionate like me, you won’t stop yelling completely. But follow these tips, and you’ll reduce your yelling significantly. You may even feel like your old self again — that pre-kid self who never felt explosive anger like you do now.

Just put your name and email in the boxes, and the first tip will be on its way to you.