Listen. Stop Trying to Solve Everything

Once, a reader sent me an email to criticize something I had written. It began like this:

“I had to stop reading after the first paragraph because…”

And it went on to tell me how I was completely misinformed about ADHD, and how I really need to get psychological help in working with my family.

Um. Okay. 

I responded to tell her that it was fine she didn’t read the whole article, but before commenting, she should get her facts straight about the ADHD issue I wrote about. She had narrowed in on one single sentence that she disagreed with, but her criticism of that sentence was actually factually incorrect based on current ADHD research (which she would have understood had she continued reading).

I also pointed out that had she gone beyond the first paragraph, she would have seen how I had resolved the issue I was talking about, and that her advice didn’t apply.

She never responded, of course. 

Nobody Likes to Be Misunderstood

That night, when I was falling asleep, her comments popped back into my mind. People think that if you’re going to “put yourself out there,” you need a thick skin and should just accept criticism.

That’s gaslighting, but that’s a separate issue.

The thing is, it hurts to be misunderstood. And it bothered me so much I couldn’t sleep that night.

And as the message was rolling around in my mind and I was inventing snarkier responses I could have used, it hit me that this was actually a good example of a parenting mistake I think a lot of us make.

Here’s how it goes:

1. Child has a problem. Parent listens for a minute, and begins to problem solve before the child is done talking.
   
2. Parent sees the entire solution, and throws it out at the child.
   
3. Child feels frustrated because parent didn’t even hear the whole problem. How can parent even come up with a solution yet?
   
4. Child doesn’t appreciate solution, and has a meltdown, responds with sass, argues, or has some other unpleasant reaction.
   
5. Parent gets angry. They’re just trying to help!

You know the rest.

It’s just like this lady who read only five sentences of my article. She assumed immediately that she knew more than me about a subject. She also felt she knew so much about me as a person that she could offer me personal advice.

From five sentences.

But Are We Ignoring What Our Kids Are Telling Us?

I tend to do this to my kids without realizing it. 

Maybe my child tells me she’s frustrated about something that happened with a friend at school.

I listen, and then tell her she should try X. She doesn’t appreciate the solution, so I suggest she try Y. She doesn’t like that either, and I throw up my hands and tell her I’m not giving her advice anymore. She pitches a fit.

But it’s not her fault!

I’m the one not listening. I’m the one who thinks I know everything, even though I haven’t taken the time to listen to everything she’s saying.

My life is busy, even when it’s not busy. You know what I mean? Three kids is just busy, even when nothing else is going on. And when there’s a lot going on, it’s chaotic. And I think I get on the busy track and try so hard to be efficient with my time, that I get a little too efficient with my time with my kids.

I think in my mind: How can we get to the point of this story so we can wrap it up, and I can get back to the hundreds of things I have to do?

I mean, I don’t think I’m consciously going through that in my mind each time. But I’m living in that mindset, where everything is an item on a list to check off.

Even my kids and their problems.

Do you relate?

We Can Do Better. Focus on Listening.

Maybe it’s busyness that makes us do this. Maybe it’s emotional distance. Maybe it’s that we haven’t learned to communicate by listening yet. 

Whatever it is, let’s pay attention to this in our relationships.

Let’s do better for our kids. Let’s all try to listen beyond the first paragraph.

When our preschooler is crying because he fell, let’s not try to make the crying go away. Let’s listen to what he’s feeling.

When our 2nd grader is angry because her sister took her book, let’s not shush her so we can solve the problem. Let’s listen to how she’s feeling. 

When our teenager is complaining about everything they have to do, let’s not tell them how good they have it. Let’s listen to what they’re feeling.

I think we’ll all feel a little better about each other in the process.

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Start the conversation on the right foot. Leave a note for your child about the things you love about them. Then, listen to hear what they think.

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