Podcast Transcript for Mom Guilt: Why You Feel Like a Bad Mom — and How to Not
Hello, and welcome to Pause and Connect. I’m Rebecca Brown Wright, and I’m really excited to share this podcast episode with you today. If you’re a mom, no matter how old your kids are, this episode is for you.
This is episode 7, and it’s called “Why You Feel Like a Bad Mom — and How to Not Feel That Way.” (Listen below, or anywhere you listen to podcasts.)
Mom guilt is huge in our culture. It’s something we speak of so freely — it’s a term we just throw around as if all of us know exactly what it means. Just like the term refrigerator pulls up an image of a giant box with doors that keeps our food cool, when we say “mom guilt,” we all have a pretty clear understanding of what it means.
There may be some variations. Just like I might picture a white refrigerator because that’s what I have, and you might picture a stainless steel refrigerator, there are variations in how we interpret “mom guilt.”
You might imagine “mom guilt” when you think of how much screen time your kids are getting during quarantine. I might imagine “mom guilt” as a woman feeling guilty for letting her kids eat cookies for breakfast.
An article on Healthline.com called defines it like this:
“It simply means that pervasive feeling of not doing enough as a parent, not doing things right, or making decisions that may ‘mess up’ your kids in the long run.:
That’s heavy. That’s an awful lot to carry. And it’s a burden you don’t deserve.
Think of it: We don’t hear the term “dad guilt,” “grandparent guilt,” “sibling guilt,” “aunt guilt.” It’s just moms who get the burden of being made to feel guilty for everything.
It’s All Too Much
And I do mean everything. From screen time to the sports we do or don’t enroll our children in, to nutrition to whether or not our kids are dressed stylish enough, to whether or not we breastfeed, to how clean our house is, to our kids’ grades to our family vacations or lack thereof, to how often we go to the library, to our yelling to whether or not we’re too permissive….
I mean, it just goes on and on. We could sit around for an entire week and list all the things that moms feel guilty for — all the things that get lumped under this term of “mom guilt.”
When my post Housekeeping Is Not Motherhood went viral, I learned a lot about how women are viewing themselves. Podcast Episode 3 goes into more detail on the responses.
And I think what I learned from that post and its responses is very telling when it comes to “mom guilt.”
My post aimed to separate motherhood from housekeeping, because our society has lumped them together so that the definition of a mom becomes someone who cooks and cleans. But that’s not what a mom is.
Dr. Julie Hanks talks about how motherhood is a relationship, not a role. And that’s important to keep in mind, because when we turn motherhood into this list of things a woman “should” do, like keep a clean house and cook for her family, we pile too much onto mothers.
And that’s partly where the “mom guilt” comes from. We have come a long way with equality — women can work outside the home, hold political office, get credit cards in their own names, attend college, and so much more.
What Are Men Doing in the Home?
Men are doing more in the home, and laundry detergent commercials are featuring men making the decisions on what detergents to buy, but it’s still not equal. We know this anecdotally. Just talk to any group of women who are in heterosexual relatinoships, and you’ll hear how unbalanced things are in the division of labor in their houses.
But we know this from statistics too. The US Department of Labor released the results of an American Time Use Survey in June of 2020. They found that in 2019, on an average day, among adults living in households with children under age 6, women spent 1.1 hours providing physical care (such as bathing or feeding a child) to household children; by contrast, men spent 27 minutes providing physical care.
27 minutes! That’s about as long as a show on Netflix.
On the days they did household activities, women spent an average of 2.5 hours on these activities, while men spent 1.9 hours.
On an average day, 22 percent of men did housework—such as cleaning or laundry—compared with 46 percent of women.
And while men have increased their work at home, so have women. The report showed that from 2003 to 2019, the share of men doing food preparation and cleanup on an average day increased from 35 percent to 48 percent, but the share of women grew from 66 percent to 70 percent.
So even though men are doing more housework than they used to, women are still doing more. And housekeeping is still equated with motherhood.
As long as this keeps happening, women are going to judge their worth as mothers by the cleanliness of their homes and the quality of their meals. And others are going to judge women for these same things.
Emotional Labor Leads to Mom Guilt
But this isn’t all. Women handle the emotional labor of keeping a family running smoothly.
The Atlantic quoted emotional labor as:
“Free, invisible work women do to keep track of the little things in life that, taken together, amount to the big things in life: the glue that holds households, and by extension, proper society, together.”
Invisible things that hold households and society together. That’s what women, and moms, are doing every single day. I know when I read that definition, I immediately think of about a dozen invisible things I know moms do every day. And if I sat down and thought longer, it would be dozens.
This emotional labor is also tied up in motherhood. A mom is the one who buys gifts for the kids’ friends. And RSVPs, drives the kid to the party, and rearranges the day so that the rest of the family will get to where they need to be — and not forget to pick up the kid at the birthday party.
This is what “good moms” do. And that’s just one example. Sit down and list out everything you do to keep your family running smoothly — from rotating clothing, looking for deals, grocery shopping, planning holidays, sending your mother-in-law a birthday gift, remembering to sign permission slips, researching extracurricular activities, paying attention to your kids’ friends, and so much more.
This is what we’re told “good moms” do. And some of it doesn’t even have anything to do with being a mom. Your husband’s mother’s birthday gift has nothing to do with your relationship with your child, yet it’s one of the things moms traditionally take on.
It’s just what’s expected. Many of us don’t even stop to think if we should be the ones doing this or not. It’s not our fault. It’s what’s been modeled for us and expected of us.
So we create these images of what a mom does, and we do everything we can to make sure we do it all.
Mom Guilt Is Unfair
Think about how unfair this is: We went from being carefree, single women who managed ourselves and our goals and our needs to doing all of that for every person in our house. And we’re told by society that this is our job.
Some women can do this without it weighing them down. Many of us can’t though. Many of us lack the skills to manage all of this. But you know what we do? We go out and find those skills, adding more burdens onto our already heavy shoulders.
We’re exhausted.
And because all of this is being tied to motherhood, we’re judging ourselves harshly. We’re realizing we forgot to update the snow clothing this year, and our kids don’t have any mittens that fit, and now we are BAD MOMS.
We don’t say we just forgot to do something in our overscheduled lives. We don’t say it’s our male partners’ faults for forgetting to update the snow clothing. Either of these explanations would make complete sense. But that’s not the narrative we follow. Instead, the problem is us. And enter mom guilt.
We feel we are failures, and we are bad moms. And now our children can’t play outside, or their fingers will freeze on the way to school, and we have mom guilt.
We have been tasked with more than we deserve to be tasked with. Our brains are full to exploding with all that we need to remember and do, and it makes complete sense that we’re going to drop the ball when we have all of this thrust on us.
But instead of recognizing the extremes of our situation, we lump it all together as motherhood, recognize our mistakes, and experience MOM GUILT.
It’s okay to feel guilty for your child’s cold fingers, but why qualify it as mom guilt? If you have a partner, there are two of you who could have remembered this. And no matter what, your relationship with your child — remember that definition: motherhood is a relationship, not a role — your relationship with your child is not about your to-do list.
The problem is not YOU. Mothers are not the problem. The problem is that we’ve been sold this narrative that we can — and should do it all. We’ve been told we’re naturally good at this. We’ve been told it’s our job. None of that is true.
And it’s harmful.
So how do we stop this? How do we change our lives so that we don’t have to be defined and controlled by this so-called mom guilt?
Well, if you’ve been around here for a second or two, you’ll know I’m going to start by talking about connection. I’ll explain to you how connection with your child can heal this, and then I’ll also share some other tips on how to step away from mom guilt.
Connection
Let’s first start by talking about how connection helps to eliminate mom guilt. Let me tell you a story about how I learned this for myself.
One of my children struggled with extreme emotions. I didn’t understand her at all, and I now know I contributed to the extreme outbursts. But at the time, I felt like she was just out of control and all we needed to do was put a stop to her difficult behavior.
I loved her fiercely, but our challenges had gone on for so long that I kind of — without realizing it — had assumed we would just always have a barrier in our relationship. I knew I would never stop loving her, but I felt I couldn’t show it to her in a way she could receive. It was a pretty dismal future I foresaw, with just a few moments of happiness peppered in.
I felt guilty. Was it something I had done? Was it something I was still doing? It was painful to think about my role in this relationship. If I could just be a more patient mom, a kinder mom, a more fun mom… would we have these problems? Nobody I knew was having similar problems with their children who were the same age. I felt really crappy.
I found a wonderful play therapist here in Salt Lake City named Pam Mitchell. Our therapy involved playing together or doing different connecting activities while Pam watched. It sounds weird, but it really wasn’t.
I didn’t really know if anything was happening for us, but after a couple sessions, Pam told me, “Your daughter loves you SO much.”
During that session, Pam had given us a bag of items and directions. We pulled out a card with a direction and did what it said. We did things like rub lotion into each other’s hands, tell stories about each other, share memories…
It wasn’t hard to do these things. It was pretty fun. But Pam’s declaration to me was the most powerful part of these activities. She said, “You know your daughter loves you SO much, don’t you? It’s so obvious. She soaks up your attention. She feels so good with you.”
I have to tell you, I had no idea. Our relationship had been so challenged by the behaviors of my daughter that I didn’t realize SHE loved ME. I knew I loved her, and I knew on some level she loved me back, but I didn’t know she felt good with me. I didn’t know she loved me as much as Pam was describing.
This was hugely revelatory, and it changed everything for our relationship.
What I Did Next
After connecting with my daughter, I could see her actions in a new light. I noticed her affection for me more and when she beamed at my attention. I knew our relationship was not destroyed; not ruined forever. It was good — maybe a little bruised — but it was good, and it could get better.
I began scheduling specific times and activities for connection with her. Sometimes, it was as simple as making sure I read a book with her at bedtime. Sometimes, it was much more involved, like going out to eat together or doing a project at home together.
And by the way, she’s 13 now, and we recorded a really fun episode together on how to connect with your teen.
But the point is, I stopped viewing our relationship as a problem to fix, and more as this beautiful connection that could be nourished and strengthened with the right attention.
How Connection Helped Me Ditch Mom Guilt
And the happy side effect? I began to forgive myself for the harshness of my earlier years. Not knowing how to understand my daughter before, was something I could now forgive myself for. I forgave myself for not being the mom I thought I was going to be. And I stopped feeling “mom guilt.”
Because our connection was at the center of my focus. Our relationship was what I focused on. I didn’t need to stress out about her behavior, or whether I remembered the snow gloves again — of course those were important parts of my life, but they weren’t the defining parts of my motherhood. My motherhood was my connection with my child.
I can’t emphasize this enough. Connection heals. It gets you out of your head. Connection gets you away from guilt. It puts everything in perspective. It helps you discard the things that really don’t have any bearing on how good of a mom you are.
You could forget to upgrade snow gloves every year and still be a fantastic mother. Did you know that? Do you believe it?
Focus on your connection with your child, and you’ll begin to believe it more and more.
And I want to interject here for a minute and tell you about an incredibly inexpensive tool I have to help you build your connection. I have a back-and-forth journal that gives you and your child prompts to help you write back and forth to each other about things that matter to the two of you. You can get to know your child on a deeper level, and let them get to know you too, so you can build your connection stronger.
Where Does the Mom Guilt Come From?
What else can you do to let go of “mom guilt?” We already talked about separating housekeeping and emotional labor from motherhood. This relieves you of burdening yourself with mom guilt if you struggle with some other aspect of adult life because you more clearly draw lines between what a mother is and what an adult is. If you can share that burden more equally with your partner, that will make a huge load of difference.
We then talked about focusing on your connection with your child.
Another important part of letting go of “mom guilt” is figuring out where the guilt is coming from. This may be something a good therapist can help you figure out, but it’s helpful to begin looking at your motivations and feelings a bit more. Why do you feel so guilty when your child watches too much TV?
Is it because your mom always had enriching activities for you and you rarely watched TV? Is it because your doctor shamed you at your child’s 2-year-old checkup? Did you have an image of serene afternoons filled with crafts and baking, and now you’re realizing that reality doesn’t work? I don’t know what it is for you, but if you can identify the source of your guilt, you can face it more directly.
Don’t bury your guilt. It’s okay to feel bad that you’re not doing something the way you wanted to do it. Acknowledge it, face it, honor your feelings as valid. Then recognize this is a trigger that inspires “mom guilt” in you. Name it. “I am feeling mom guilt because I think my mother would judge this decision.”
Once you recognize these triggers and can allow yourself to identify and feel your feelings, you will have an easier time putting these into perspective. You won’t have to define your whole motherhood by this one thing you don’t like.
What Do YOU Value?
Another way to kick “mom guilt” to the curb is to get really clear on what YOU value. Other people might value crafting with their children, but if that’s not something that YOU enjoy doing, you don’t need to feel “mom guilt” for not doing it.
I know this is easier said than done. That’s why it’s helpful to get really clear on what’s important to YOU. Fill your life with the things that fit your values, and then there isn’t as much room to feel bad that you don’t do things the same way someone else does.
It’s tempting to feel “mom guilt” when you see another mom excelling in an area. But if you already know where you excel and you’re actively doing the things that you excel in, it’s easier to celebrate the other mom instead of compare yourself to her.
So let’s say you love an organized life, scheduled outings, and a slower pace of life. Live that way, and you’ll feel more secure with your motherhood. When your spontaneous friend throws a huge, loud party, you can attend and enjoy your friend’s creativity without feeling guilty for not doing the same for your child. You’re living your own values of a slower pace of life, and you’re doing a good job at it.
Encourage Others
Another way to kick “mom guilt” is to help other moms who are experiencing it. Build them up, tell them what you admire about them, help them see they don’t have to do all the things and be everything to everyone. Use kind phrases, like, “I’m sorry you’re feeling overwhelmed” and “I really admire your strengths in…”
This is not only nice to do for your friend, it’s helpful for YOU! Saying these accepting phrases out loud, and actually believing them for your friend, will help you to give yourself the same grace and admiration.
Let’s Sum up
We’re feeling tons of mom guilt because our society expects us to do all the things and be everything to everyone. We have more on our plates than any one person should handle.
When we recognize this, we can do two things: offer ourselves grace and make changes to make our situation better. And we can work with our partners to make things more equitable. Remember to point out where society is expecting too much. Give ourselves fewer expectations.
Next, we can improve our mom guilt by actively making it a point to connect with our children. This will heal our relationships, which will give us less to feel guilty about. And it will refocus us on our strengths and our relationships, instead of the things we feel we’re lacking.
Next, try and identify where your mom guilt is coming from. Recognize your triggers, and name your feelings. Be okay with relaxing your standards.
Next, make it clear to yourself what YOU value in life. Not what your next-door neighbor values. Not what your mother in law values. What YOU value. And then fill your life with that so that you feel confident in who you are and the decisions you’re making.
And finally, make it a point to lift up other women who are struggling with mom guilt. As you’re kind to others, you can learn to be more kind to yourself.
I hope this has been helpful. Mom guilt is unfair, and I’m sorry so many of us deal with it on a regular basis. Be kind to yourself. Let yourself let go of some of the mom guilt, and if you struggle, continue to be kind to yourself. We’ve been sold a narrative that is harmful to us, and it takes time to dismantle ingrained narratives and live life more on our own terms. Get therapy if you need it. This work is worth it. You don’t deserve to feel regular guilt.
You’re doing a wonderful job, and I hope you know it.
