My generation was spanked.
As we grew up, we learned that spanking wasn’t okay, and so when we became parents, we vowed not to spank.
But we weren’t told what to do instead.
As a young mom, I remember reading an article on how damaging yelling is for our children.
And I was horrified.
Because while I rarely spanked, I was definitely a yeller.
The article didn’t give any tips on how to NOT be a yeller.
So now I knew two things:
- Spanking was damaging
- Yelling was damaging
What was I supposed to do instead?
How could I get control over my kids if I couldn’t spank or yell?
It took me years to understand that the paradigm is wrong.
Society Wants You to Control Your Child
Parents have been spanking and yelling and grounding and punishing because we’ve been taught that we’re supposed to have control over our children.
Our society praises moms who have well-behaved children in the grocery store. “You’re a good mom. Your child didn’t throw a fit when you said no to the candy.”
Our society judges moms who have ill-behaved children. “Why can’t she get a handle on that child? She has no control. Her child is going to end up in jail if she doesn’t nip this behavior in the bud.”
Setting aside the issue that dads are never judged in these same ways, let’s stop and examine what society wants us to do:
It wants us to control our children so that our children aren’t a nuisance to be around.
When we feel that pressure to control our children, of course we’re going to want to spank, yell, or punish.
Even when we’re behind closed doors, we feel judgment. “I should be a better mom. I should be able to handle my kid’s outburst. My kid should be better behaved. My kid shouldn’t throw a fit about not getting dessert. I need to get control.”
We put on a smile. We try to patiently talk to our kids, because we really don’t want to spank them.
But that judgment is floating around in the back of our heads, and the louder the judgment gets, the more we want to get control of the situation.
So we snap and we yell. Or we spank. Or we yank a toy out of our kid’s hands to teach them a lesson.
Basically, we do something to shock the situation back into control.
Society taught us to do this.
Society wants us to be in control of our kids.
And society is standing by to tell us we did the right thing. We got control.
But we don’t feel so good.
Shift the Paradigm
What if you don’t have to be in control of your kids?
What if your worth as a mom isn’t based on how well your children behave in the moment?
I believe it’s a nasty trick to tell parents to stop spanking and yelling, but still give them the message that they need to control their kids.
There are better ways.
I believe one of the strongest alternative parenting paradigms is connection.
When you focus on connecting with your kids in all aspects of your life — from happy connections to connections in the hard times — your relationship becomes less about control and more about the needs of your child.
When your parenting paradigm becomes connection, you don’t have to worry about the real or imagined judgment of other people.
Because those people just want you to do whatever you can right-this-second to make your child stop.
But your focus doesn’t have to be on “fixing” or controlling your child. It can be on making sure your child’s needs are met through connection.
When your child feels connection from you, and when they feel their needs are met, they don’t have to fight so hard. Their “problem” behaviors minimize.
How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting
I tried all the tricks to stop yelling. I wore hair ties on one wrist and moved them over to the other each time I yelled in an effort to keep a reminder in front of me.
I marked a calendar for each day I didn’t yell.
I prayed. I meditated. I tried to exercise away my frustrations. I walked away.
But eventually, I still yelled. (And sometimes I spanked.)
Because I was still focusing on controlling my kids. I was still trying to get them to follow society’s script: I still wanted them to behave, above anything else.
When I shifted my paradigm, that’s when the real change started happening.
If this resonates with you, try this today.
When your child acts out, ignores you, or defies a request, ask yourself how you can connect with them.
Here’s an example:
The Control Approach
You ask your child to clean up the toys and they ignore you while they continue playing.
Society tells you to not let your child get away with this. If you do, they’ll ignore you for the bigger things. You’re a pushover. Oh, and you’ll never be able to handle them as a teenager. And remember — they’ll probably end up in jail and it will be your fault.
As all this runs through your mind, you panic. You have to get control of the situation; you have to control your child.
You say, “I’m going to count to 3 and if you aren’t picking up your toys, you’re going to be in time out.”
If you have an exceptionally compliant child, maybe they’ll cooperate at this point.
But if you have a distracted or defiant child, they’ll probably fight you.
Things will escalate. You’ll reach for every idea you can think of, because you know that if you don’t get control, this will set a dangerous pattern. That’s what we’ve been told over and over and over.
This is where the yelling and the spanking and the punishments come in. This is what we’ve been taught to do.
Whether you have a compliant child or not, that traditional method doesn’t provide needed connection to your relationship. Let’s try a different way.
The Connected Approach
You ask your child to clean up the toys and they ignore you while they continue playing.
You ask yourself: “How can I connect with my child right now?”
You look at your child and realize they may not have heard you. So you go over to them, crouch down, put your hand on their shoulder, and repeat your request.
Your child looks at you. You know they’ve heard you now. You’re connected.
But they don’t want to clean up the toys. They squirm, tell you no, or turn their back on you.
You ask yourself again: “How can I connect with my child right now?”
You know your child loves hugs, so you pick them up, put them in your lap, and give them a big squeeze. You tell them you love them. They smile at you.
You are connected.
You say, “It’s time for dinner, and these toys need to be picked up.”
Maybe your child is compliant and cleans up right away without any further effort. Or maybe your child still needs more. Either way, you’re connected and you have a good sense of what to do.
You have confidence.
So maybe you say, “I’ll stay here with you and help clean up.”
Or maybe you say, “I’ll race you to see if I can get dinner on the table before you finish putting the toys in your toy box.”
Or maybe you have another brilliant idea that your child responds to. Or maybe you ask your child what they need.
But the point is, your child responds to you, because you’ve taken the time to connect.
If your child resists at any point, you ignore society’s push to control your child and you connect.
Again and again.
The Connection Paradigm
The connection paradigm is not a manipulation tactic. It’s a true connection, because your relationship is at the center.
Each time there’s a problem, you focus on connection. And through that connection, you find unique solutions that are suited to you and your child.
It takes time in the beginning.
Yelling or spanking might be quicker.
But connection gets you to the happy result each and every time as you discard the notion that you have to control your child.
Embrace connection, and be prepared to stick with it.
As time goes on, the regular problems take less and less effort.
And as the big problems come up, you’re primed and confident to be able to handle them.
Because connection is your first step.
From there, the right solutions for your child are reachable.
If this resonates with you, I can help you learn how to stop yelling by connecting. You don’t have to be at odds with your child. You can feel confident every time they have a meltdown, ignore you, or fight back. You can use tools that connect you to each other and strengthen your relationship — instead of the yells that pit you against each other.
Basically, you can feel at peace instead of stressed out and angry all the time. If I can get through a day without yelling, so can you.
Learn about my course “How to Yell Less.” You’ll get five lessons that walk you through straightforward steps to put you on a path of yell-free mama-ing. It doesn’t have to be so intense. There is a gentler way. I’ll show you how, guilt-free.
Click the image below for more information on the “How to Yell Less” course.