Podcast Transcript #18: A Power We Overlook in Parenting

Hello, and welcome to Pause and Connect. I’m Rebecca Brown Wright, and this is episode 18: A Power We Overlook in Parenting. This power might take you by surprise. It’s a little unusual to consider it a power, but it definitely is a power that can connect, unite, and help both you and your child in huge ways.

And that power is sharing your stories with your kids.

Sharing the stories of your past, and the stories of relatives and ancestors, is not only a fun thing to do, it actually helps your child, can help to improve behavior, and can give you a strength to realize you actually do know what you’re doing! So in this episode I’ll talk about why it’s so important to share your stories, and then give tips on how to do it effectively.

Benefits of Story Sharing

First of all, from an academic perspective, you can improve your child’s reading comprehension by sharing your family stories! Isn’t that cool? The reason this happens is because as children hear family stories, they begin to get a better understanding of narrative — and this helps them get better at understanding complex written material.

Not only that, children learn to understand other people’s thoughts and emotions as they listen to your stories, so they begin to learn empathy.

And your kids can even develop stronger self-esteem as they hear family stories. A study in 2006 looked at different narrative interaction styles when families talk about their past. They found that when conversations involved integrated information from all members of the conversation — so everyone is contributing their own perspectives and stories and integrating them together — children showed higher self-esteem. And when conversations were more individualized, where family members took turns sharing their thoughts and feelings without integrating the perspective, children showed more self-control.

So your child can develop better self-esteem and better self-control as a result of you sharing your stories! 

Other studies found that dinner conversations that included intergenerational family narratives resulted in adolescents with stronger identities, better coping skills, and lower rates of depression and anxiety.

I mean, it makes sense. When you have a rich understanding of your place in the world and where you fit in it, it’s easier to feel good about yourself. Of course, there’s a million ways to help children improve self-esteem and there are a bajillion factors that go into depression and anxiety. We’re not going to say we’ve found the magic solution to any of this. But if simply sharing your story can help your child improve in these areas, it’s worth it!

Plus, it’s a helpful tool for coaching your children through tough issues.

Story-Telling as a Coaching Tool

One day, my son was thinking back to a child in preschool who had been unkind to him. He laid out all the things this kid had done, and then said, “Mom, did this ever happen to you?”

I didn’t have his exact scenario in my past, but I had plenty of experiences when I was hurt by someone. So I shared a bit about that, and he felt better. He had actually brought that kid up several times before this conversation. I knew it was something that had bothered him. And every time he brought up a situation, I would hear him, empathize, and soothe his feelings. All of that was good! And it would have been good enough too. 

But what’s interesting is that after I told him I, too, had experienced something similar, he never brought the kid up again. It was like he finally had closure for what had happened to him — because someone else had been through it.

That’s powerful.

Share the Stories of Your Ancestors

Family stories tether us to the earth and to each other. They help us reach back for strength, learn from past lessons, discard things that won’t continue to serve us, and so much more.

My dad often shared stories with us about an ancestor, Benjamin Brown. He’s my great, great, great grandfather, and he was a Mormon pioneer. One of the stories that stood out to me the most was when Benjamin was attacked by a mob. He had been preaching in a town, and afterwards, some men who didn’t like what he had said hunted him down with the intent to kill him. They found him in the woods and beat him, breaking his ribs. He fought back, but finally had the thought to act as if he was dead. So he groaned and laid still. Shortly after that, the men, believing him to be dead, left him.

I think that story stuck with me for its drama and unfairness. But it also is always there in the back of my mind. When I have been mocked for my religion, I think of what Benjamin suffered. When I’ve felt like something I have to do is too hard, I think of Benjamin. 

I also think of my great grandmothers and grandmother who were single mothers at a time when women’s opportunities were limited. They traveled to new states to make their lives work, to survive, and support their children. I think of the talents I know they had, and how they used those talents to enrich their lives or to improve their circumstances. And I draw on that strength when I try to improve myself or when I’m faced with something devastating. I love reading their stories and recognizing myself in them. Like, “Oh! Great Grandma had this gift that I also have.” I love seeing how she used it, and then I can improve my own gifts as a result. 

None of these people were perfect — they also had flaws. And because of that, their stories carry me and give me strength.

And that’s something we can give to our children. We can share what we know of our parents, grandparents, and on — and that can help our children fit themselves into the world. They can learn from the mistakes of their ancestors and draw strength from the things they overcame.

Use Story Telling in Your Discipline

When it comes to ourselves, we can consciously share stories of our past in a way that will benefit our children and draw us closer together.

This power began to be a part of my conscious parenting when my oldest was about 9 years old. We were struggling to get along, and I thought back to when I was her age and tried to remember what I felt then. And then I began to consciously tell her my stories.

I remember vividly the friendship drama that popped up out of nowhere; how I wore a particular vest “too often” and it caused a rift right down the 3rd grade. Half of the girls made fun of me and told me I was dirty, and the other half told me they were on “my side.” I told her this.

And I remember fighting and pushing and arguing with my parents. I told her this.

I remember the awkwardness of my hands as I learned to do my own hair. Or feeling like I just wanted to be grown up and able to do whatever I felt like. I remember thinking that everybody else had a better life than me. And I told her all of this.

As I told her, I realized her age was an in-between time, and it was hard.

But I also remember the happy times too, and I told her all of that. I remember playing pretend, and running and laughing at recess. There are the memories of making big plans with my friends for our futures and deciding what I wanted to be when I grew up. I remember spending time with my little brother, trying to teach him everything I knew. There were hoped-for presents at Christmas and family vacations.

It was a confusing time when I felt like I sort of understood the way the grownup world works, but also knew I had no clue what was going on. I wanted to know the answers to everything, but I also loved living in my bubble.

As I told her my stories, I realized she was in a tough transition time.

So I also wrote a letter to her and explained that when I was 9, I felt angry and frustrated a lot. I argued with my parents, and sometimes I didn’t even know why I did it. In the letter, I made sure to include that I was also very happy during that time. But I explained that I didn’t understand why my emotions went up and down like that.

And I told her I was pretty sure she knew exactly what I was describing because I suspected she felt the same feelings.

Then I told her this was normal.

I left the note outside her bedroom door, and ended it by asking her to come find me for a hug after she read it.

As I was changing the baby’s diaper, she loped into his room, a shy grin on her face, lanky arms swinging by her side. I passed the baby off to Dad, and she folded her long, almost-9-year-old body into my lap.

I asked if my letter made sense to her, and she agreed that she completely understands. We decided we would try and remember to hug when we’re angry, and came up with contingency plans should either one of us forget.

Writing this letter had made me a little nervous, because I didn’t want to project my experiences into her life. But I could see visible relief as she realized I understand what life felt like for her right then. And I knew I was on the path to understanding her again.

This story telling brought us together. We had been fighting like cats and dogs, and suddenly, she wanted to spend more time with me — right by my side and even in my LAP, lanky limbs and all. She asked me questions about my childhood, and I took those as clues as to what she might be going through. She stayed back with me any time the family walked ahead, and she talked my ear off.

It seemed she trusted me more. She knew I understood her, and she wanted to share herself with me.

It didn’t solve every problem we were having, but it sure helped with a lot of our issues.

Connection does that.

Storytelling does that.

Story Telling Around the Dinner Table

So how to do this consciously and effectively in your parenting?

Just start. Think of a story from when you were your child’s age, and share it. If you can’t think of anything, tell a story from last year, from college, or from yesterday. Just get in the habit of telling stories.

Your stories don’t have to have morals. You don’t have to wait until something similar is happening to share. Just share stories. If you don’t do this already, it might feel awkward and clunky at first. You can say, “Hey, I was thinking about this funny memory and I wanted to tell you.” 

Over time, it will get easier.

Look up prompts to get you going. There are a million out there. 

There are two times that are universally good times to share stories: around a meal or while you’re driving in the car. Of course, there are always exceptions, but those are typically good places to start the habit of sharing stories about yourself and your family history. 

Then, you can also start sharing a story when your kid does something that reminds you of your own childhood. It can just become something that is woven into your family dialogue.

Ask your child to share stories about their lives too. What made them sad or happy today? What was a time when they had to do something hard? Help them think through their own stories.

Write Back and Forth

Another way to do this intentionally is to write back and forth to each other. And I’ve made this super easy for you, because I have a fun back-and-forth journal for kids and parents on my website.

I made the journal originally just for one child and me to use.

This particular child worried me, because I didn’t really know what was going on in their brain. They had some outbursts that made me wonder if they were nice to themselves in their mind. But that child had a hard time expressing themselves verbally. They got frustrated when I would ask questions, and so I couldn’t figure out how to understand them.

So I started asking questions in a notebook. WOW. This child opened up. I learned so much — there were a few things I needed to worry about and solve, but there were also lots and lots and lots of happy things inside this child’s mind. It was incredible.

So then I started writing back with my own stories. And my child started asking more. And we were able to bond in this really unique, low-stakes, and connected way. We started getting along better when we spent time together, and I also found ways to bring up hard topics that we needed to discuss — all because we had shared about ourselves in writing ahead of time.

I knew that power was too good to keep to myself, so I created my back-and-forth journal, and other parents have enjoyed sharing about themselves while learning deep and meaningful things about their children that they had no idea about before.

So write back and forth! It’s so powerful to share stories together in this medium. And again, it’s all done for you in my back-and-forth journal. You don’t have to think of prompts. They’re already there. So go grab it!

Share Stories When Your Child Is Struggling

My final way to use your stories strategically is to look for ways to share stories when your child is struggling. 

I already shared that story about my son and his need to know I understood. He only felt completely reassured once he knew I had been through something similar.

My mom did this for me a few years ago when I started a copywriting business. I was feeling some major imposter syndrome, and just couldn’t get over it.

She told me about when she had a toll-painting business. She had a shelf in a local boutique where she would sell her hand-painted items. They were very popular and sold well. When she started out, she felt like she wasn’t good enough to be selling her art.

But then people bought it! So she realized it was good enough for people to pay for it. And then as time went on, her skill got better and better. She told me that her first pieces weren’t as good as her last pieces. But they were still good ENOUGH for her customers. Her customers still got a great, quality item.

And then she related it to me. My first copywriting client was going to get good work from me. My 10th copywriting client would get even better work. But that first one wasn’t getting shoddy work. It would still be good ENOUGH — better than what they could do and worth paying for.

I have used that mindset over and over. When I started this podcast, for example! I know my 100th episode will be better than my first. I’ll have worked out kinks, I’ll say “um” less often, and so much more. But my first episode is still good, even if it won’t be as good as my 100th. In fact, I just listened to it this morning to see if I still liked it, and I do! Go listen — it’s perfect for the mom who feels like she doesn’t measure up. You’re doing so much better than you think, and that first episode will prove it to you!

Anyway, you can do this with your children as you actively look for opportunities.

How to Share Stories in a Way That Will Help Your Child

Here are some tips on how to share your stories effectively to help your child:

• One is to make sure you don’t center yourself. If your child comes home upset about a bad grade, and you launch into a long story about your first bad grade and how you got in trouble and what you thought of your teacher and on and on, it totally invalidates your child’s experience. I’ll share some tips on how to not center yourself in a second.
• But first, another tip is to not minimize your child’s issue. If your child broke their arm and you also did when you were a child, it wouldn’t be helpful if you said, “Well, I broke my arm, but still figured out how to keep up on my lawn mowing business.” Instead, it would be helpful to talk about how painful it was and how sorry you are that your child has to experience it too.

So how to make sure you don’t center yourself or minimize their issue?

• One way is to ask permission. You can say, “Oh wow, I’m so sorry you got in a fight with your friend today. That happened to me when I was your age. Can I tell you about it?”
• Another way is to briefly share your story as a way to convey empathy. So you could say, “I’m so sorry your boyfriend broke up with you. I remember my first breakup and it was so sad.” Or, “I bet it’s hard to get up in front of the class to give your presentation. The first time I had to do that, I felt like I was going to throw up!”

Do you see how this helps you connect to your child through your story, but it doesn’t center or minimize? The door is open for your child to ask more questions if they want, but you’re not making them do any emotional labor. You’re just loving them and helping them know you’ve been there.

• You can also ask if they want advice. In my example of my mom’s painting business, she asked if she could give me some advice. When I said yes, she then shared her story.
• Timing is always important too. When they’re sobbing over a breakup, that’s not the time to tell them you got over your breakup. Let that gradually unfold over the course of several stories as your child is willing to hear them.

The more you share your stories, the more you’ll be able to use them in a way that is helpful and effective.

And the more you share your stories, the more you’ll see the wisdom you have inside you. That’s a really cool effect of this type of connection. As you uncover your past, you can see what you’ve learned, how far you’ve come, the knowledge you store, and so much more. And that’s a huge confidence boost in your own parenting.

I hope you’ve enjoyed hearing some of my family stories, and that as you’ve listened, you’ve had your own come to mind. Share something new tonight with your children, and see how it goes!