Podcast Transcript #17: You Should Use Hugs in Your Discipline — Here’s How

Hello, and welcome to Pause and Connect. I’m Rebecca Brown Wright, and this is episode 17: You Should Use Hugs in Your Discipline – Here’s How

Let’s get into the topic today, which is that you should use hugs in your discipline. Liberally. And I’m going to talk about how to do this.

Before I start, I have to say that I once wrote an article on this for a major parenting magazine. And there was this group of moms who tagged each other with eye rolls and sarcastic comments. As I read their comments, I realized they were all raising children with severe sensory issues. So of course hugs weren’t going to work for them. 

So whenever I talk about hugs in discipline, I include the disclaimer that you have to do what’s right for your child, and their own physical comforts.

If your child isn’t going to respond to hugs in discipline because they have sensory issues, skip this episode. Come back when I’m not talking about hugs. It’s okay. I’m sorry those moms were hurting so badly, and it must be frustrating to hear advice that is so outside the scope of what they could do. 

Before Hugs

Let me tell you about my time before hugs in discipline. I used to discipline with a lot of anger, a lot of attempts to control behavior, and a lot of punishment. 

There was a time when one of my kids couldn’t get ready in the mornings. They were about 7, and they were just too distracted and emotionally overwhelmed to make transitions smoothly. I didn’t understand this, and so I punished and yelled to try and get them to get ready faster. It worked sometimes, but mostly not. This child ended up walking to the bus stop in tears multiple times a week.

Then I learned about hugs in discipline. We had a play therapist who suggested I hug and hold my child when they were melting down or being defiant. I thought the therapist was crazy, but she had been right about everything else she told me, so I gave it a try.

I began starting with a hug, before yelling or chastising or punishing.

And, like magic, probably 80% of our discipline problems melted away.

How Hugs in Discipline Transformed an Explosive Moment

In fact, there was one time when this same child was getting ready in the morning and asked to show me a magic trick.

They were happy and excited. But we were running short on time. So I said, “Sure, if there’s time after you finish getting ready for school.”

Predictably, this child who struggled with mornings did a 180. Their body tensed, their eyes squeezed shut, they started to whimper and moan, and the sound was building and building.

I had learned about hugs in discipline by this time though. So I quickly wrapped my child in a bear hug, and their body relaxed. 

I then kept my hand on their cheek, bent down, and said, “I can’t wait to see your magic trick. If we do it now, though, we might run out of time for you to catch the bus. You still need to brush your teeth and get your shoes on. Then we can see if we have time.”

This same sentence, delivered before or without the hug, would have caused an eruption. I know it, because I’d had enough mornings where that had happened.

But instead, this child started going upstairs with their head hanging down. They were disappointed. But they weren’t melting down. But here’s the miracle part. By the time they were to the top of the stairs, they were skipping. All the disappointment was gone.

They didn’t go to school with a tear-streaked face that morning.

Because of a hug.

Why Hugs in Discipline Makes Sense

Now, the very first step in my discipline or in my comfort of my children is a hug.

What I’ve since learned is that when your child is upset, they aren’t using logic. In fact, they can’t. Their brains are flooded with emotions.

So yelling at them won’t help them access logic. Logically explaining the situation to them, like telling my child that they could show me the magic trick after they were ready, won’t work either. Because they’re already so disappointed and emotional about what they can’t have. So hugging them instead will help them calm down emotionally. And then logic can enter for problem solving.

When they’re upset, they aren’t regulated. And there’s this beautiful thing called co-regulation, where you can share your calm. They can feel it from you, and use it for themselves.

It’s Not Spoiling

If you’re not used to responding this way — with a hug DURING the meltdown or defiance — it might sound like this is spoiling behavior. Like you’re rewarding their defiance. But it’s not. What’s your goal? To make your child behave by feeling bad? Or to teach your child skills and self-regulation? Hugging is the first step in helping your child regulate their emotions. And that’s a skill you’re teaching. It’s going to help them handle disappointment better and quicker in all areas of their life.

Hugging your child helps your child feel safe. When your child feels safe and loved, they can move on to the next step of improvement. If they don’t feel those feelings, they might stop their bad behavior out of fear. Or they might keep fighting and disobeying. Either result is not ideal. But if they get hugs in discipline, they get regulation, and then they get a brain that is primed to learn skills.

Timing Is Critical When Using Hugs in Discipline

So, how to do this in an effective way? Well, timing is pretty crucial. And you’ll need to figure out the right timing for your own child.

But the universal element of timing when you’re using hugs in discipline is to get the hug in before YOU are upset.

Because if you’re upset, you’re not going to want to hug. You might be rougher than you intend. Or say something aggressively. You might resent the idea of hugging your child. So you have to get the hug in before YOU lose your cool. 

So when I began, I actually RUSHED in to give a hug. It was like this siren — kid is upset, and I am running across the room to wrap them in a hug. That’s what I personally needed. Because I knew my own emotions would not have responded with kindness if I gave them the time to sit and fester. That’s a weakness of mine. I can feel resentful when I’m inconvenienced. So I knew if I was going to hug, I had to RUSH. If you’re the same, hey we’re in good company, because I’m sure you’re an incredible person, and I’m pretty okay too.

So if it helps you, rush! I no longer have to rush, because I no longer get triggered the way I used to. And you know why? Because of all this hugging! The hugging reduced the problems significantly, which reduced my frustration, which allows me to be able to handle the now-fewer-and-farther-between meltdowns.

Seriously. This action, along with what I teach in my course, How to Stop Yelling, has made it so my kids don’t even act out all that often anymore. I mean, of course, they still act out, but it’s so much less often. 

So figure out the best timing for your child. Try to hug them before they’re so worked up they can’t accept a hug. And hug them before you feel worked up too. Make it a game if you have to. HOw quickly can you get to your child?

And if you don’t time it right and the window closes, that’s okay. It will open again, so watch for it. 

Just Hug

The next thing is to just hug. Don’t teach, preach, or moralize. Just hug. Remember, the idea is to help your child regulate their emotions. To help the two of you connect, get on the same page, and feel love for each other.

You know what doesn’t help people feel love for each other? Being criticized. So this is a time to keep your words only to words of love. “I’m sorry you’re sad. I love you.” Something along those lines.

Save your lessons for later. Just hug.

Now the beautiful thing in this, is that you’ll find often you don’t even have to teach a lesson or give a lecture. Sometimes the hug is enough, and it calms your child enough to know how to solve their behavior on their own. Sometimes. Not always. But sometimes, it’s all you need.

You might be surprised at how cooperative your child can be when they feel that connection.

Feel the Calm

The next tip for using hugs in discipline is to stay in that hug. Don’t rush through it to get to the lecture. Just stay in it and notice what’s happening. Your child’s tense shoulders will likely drop. Your breathing will match up. You’ll feel less anxious. Maybe your child will cry for a while, but just stay in that hug and trust the process. It’s going to calm you both down.

Now you can talk + stay close

Okay, now that you’ve rushed to give a hug, you’ve held your lectures back, and you’ve stayed in that hug and felt that calm, you can test the waters.

Does your child need to right a wrong? This is now the time to see if they’re ready to talk about it. If your child hit the cat, this is now the time to talk about it and ask how you can make the situation better. 

The time was not before the hug. Before the hug, your child would have been defensive or hurt or defiant. Because they would have felt bad. They would have felt disconnected. And they wouldn’t have known what to do with those feelings. After the hug, they can hear you. They can problem solve. They can feel those repentant feelings and want to do better.

Big Kids Too

This works with big kids too, although sometimes it looks different. You can’t always pull your big kid onto your lap, or lift your big kid up into your arms.

The other day, I was having an issue with one of my big kids. I was feeling pretty upset at their behavior, and they were furious with me. So I remembered about the hug, but my big kid did NOT want me grabbing them into a hug. Their body language was very clear on that.

So I sat down at the foot of their bed. When they didn’t object, I put my hand on their calf. They didn’t object to this, so I stayed there and told them I loved them. Their breathing began to slow, and their face softened. So I laid down next to them on the bed and asked if that was okay. They told me it was.

Now, guess where we resolved our big issue? Right there, as we were right next to each other. We had been trying before to resolve it. We had walked around the house; the big kid slamming doors and me trying not to lose it. 

But we didn’t resolve the issue until we were right next to each other, co-regulating and feeling each other’s warmth and love. 

With my big kid, I often ask if it’s okay for me to touch them. I do this with my little kids too, but often my little kids are throwing themselves at me, so it’s not as necessary. If my big kid ever tells me no, I don’t push it. I still stay close though. I might sit near them on the couch, or pull up a chair to where they are. Eventually, they’ll calm and let me near them. And that is always healing.

Hugs Disappear Over Time If We Don’t Watch

Think back to how much you hugged your little kids. From soothing owies to a quick squeeze when you set them in their high chair, there was just soo much time where physical space between mother and child was basically nonexistent. 

But your 11-year-old doesn’t come to you in tears over scratched knees. She doesn’t hide behind your legs when she’s nervous. He doesn’t reach his arms up to you to be carried on a walk. She doesn’t need you to buckle her into her seat or wipe her mouth. He orbits in his own little, independent world.

And if touch isn’t your #1 love language, it’s easy to forget to touch your child enough.

I never thought hugs would decrease, but it’s alarming to me how it just naturally happened. Making a conscious effort to include more snuggles and hugs in each day means I have to be aware of what I’m doing — or not doing. That’s not always easy for me, but I’m determined to hug my way through this transition.

Be Patient with Yourself

Now, be sure to give this time. If this is new, or if you’ve tried it before and it didn’t work, trust the process. Stick with it. Keep thinking that you want to rush to connect with your child, and you’ll figure out how to be near and close to help both of you connect through the current problem.

And never feel bad if you don’t feel like hugging. Parenting pushes all sorts of buttons we never knew we had, and this will not work every single time. You will not feel ready to hug every time there’s an issue. That’s okay. Just keep trying. Eventually it will be easier most of the time. But there will still be times you don’t wanna, and you don’t hafta!

Just try to keep the hug as the first step in discipline *most* of the time, and not only will your child feel calm, you’ll be gifted with calm confidence about how to handle whatever parenting throws at you.