Podcast Transcript #16: When Parenting Is Painful
Hello, and welcome to Pause and Connect. I’m Rebecca Brown Wright, and this is episode 16: When Parenting Is Painful.
An interesting thing has happened since I started this podcast. Sometimes, I know exactly what I want to talk about, but then a different topic butts into my head, wiggles around, and makes itself comfortable. That happened today. I had another topic, but this one wouldn’t leave me alone. So I’ve decided to go with it, because I have a feeling that if the topic is gnawing at my brain, it’s something that needs to be said.
When parenting is painful.
Oof.
We’ve all felt like we’re terrible at parenting. Or that we’re ruining our children, or we ruined them already and there’s no going back. We’ve all felt overcome and overwhelmed. And the extra tricky thing about this feeling is that there isn’t really anywhere to go. It’s not like you can quit your parenting job. It’s not like you can find someone better to do it. You’re in it. You’re in it for the long haul, and that can make the pain feel even more overwhelming.
So I want to share a few thoughts on how to reframe things when you’re in this place, as well as some proactive steps you can take to move yourself through this place of parenting pain and out the other side to a place where you feel a bit better.
I’m not an expert on you, and my thoughts and advice may not apply with 100% accuracy to what you’re going through and what you’re feeling. But I do know that when you’re actively seeking information on a topic, your mind can expand to let in your own revelation about that topic. So the things I have to say today may or may not be exactly what you need to hear — but the thoughts that pop into your mind as you’re listening definitely are what you need to hear. So let your mind feel open and inspired as you listen, and write down impressions that come to you.
You’re Not Alone
So first, you’re not alone. I want to say that as the very first thought on this subject. If parenting is painful for you, you’re not alone. Have little kids and feel trapped? You’re not alone. If you have teenagers or adult children who don’t want to talk to you, you’re not alone. If you have children with behaviors that are so beyond your understanding, you’re not alone.
This little bit of knowledge — that countless other parents are going through the same thing as you — can be so refreshing and helpful.
When my oldest was maybe 4 or 5, I couldn’t get her to listen to me. Well, she heard me, but there was always an argument. Always. I used to say that if I offered her cookies for dinner, she would have argued her way out of that treat, just because she was programmed to argue.
It worried me SO much, because I couldn’t get her to react to me in real time since she always had to argue first. So I was terrified she would run into the street, I’d yell at her to stop, and she’d turn around to argue — right in the path of a car. In fact, that sort of happened a few times. She’d be talking or arguing, I’d grab her hand to pull her out of danger, and instead of realizing I had just saved her life, she’d give me a crusty look or start arguing about why I grabbed her hand.
It was really stressful (and real quick while I’m talking about this, I just want to put in a plug for my program: How to Stop Yelling. I was a huge yeller during this time, and I learned how to stop — AND how to get my daughter to listen to me. So if you’re struggling with this, check out my program.)
But anyway, back to the time before I knew how to stop yelling. I remember sitting in my living room with two nice old ladies from church. They came to check on me every month and have a little chat. Sometimes they brought treats and we would catch up. They often asked about my kids, and I remember one time when I decided to open up about this challenge I was having with my daughter and ask for advice. These two women had both raised their children already.
And they just looked at me with a blank face and one of them said, “Huh. I didn’t really have behavior problems with my kids.”
And it felt like such a slap in the face! It was already hard to be vulnerable and admit I was having a hard time with my child.
But because I’m not someone who can shut up about my life, I shared about my struggles with other women. And I found that other women had been there. And once I figured the problem out, I decided to be someone who could share about it with people who were in the same place.
So I tell you this to again tell you you’re not alone. That woman in my living room either had perfect children or a terrible memory. I’m guessing it was a terrible memory. She wasn’t the right person for me to unload to, but there were plenty of other people out there who could hear me and understand me.
And I want to tell you that if you think your situation is unique, it’s not. If you think nobody will get you, that’s not true. You may have to go through a couple nice, old ladies in your living room before you find the one who understands, but people out there are going through the same things you’re experiencing.
And I hope that helps you feel a little better; a little less painful. Because it’s not that you’re the only one who hasn’t cracked the code on parenting — you’re part of a worldwide group who is still figuring it all out, making mistakes, and trying their best.
Fear
Another reason parenting can be so gosh darn painful is because of fear. We are scared of what could happen. Think back to my story of being afraid my daughter would be hit by a car. While we did have a couple close calls, that wasn’t the real issue. I was taking each present problem — let’s say she was arguing with me about whether she could watch a show or not — and I was magnifying it by fearing she would one day get hit by a car because she was so argumentative.
At the time, it made sense to me to make that big leap. But it really doesn’t make sense, does it? I mean, sure, I needed to be careful with my communication with her when we were out and about — and I needed to keep a close eye on her to keep her safe — but in that moment when we were arguing over a show, that was the only thing that needed addressing. Adding my fear that this behavior would one day lead to her getting hit by a car only magnified the argument about a show. Because now my brain had to deal with two issues. One was real — the show — and one was not — the imagined car accident — but my brain felt both of them at the same level.
Which made the argument about the show so much worse.
I think this is natural. We want our children to be successful, to feel loved, to feel good when we’re all together. And so when something is going wrong in this moment, and especially when that thing tends to happen a lot, we can fear for the future and turn this moment into evidence of a future catastrophe.
Learning to focus on the issue at hand can help with this fear. It can also help to catch yourself when you start to go to the future and feel fear for all the things that can go wrong. Just a simple shake of your brain, where you say, “I’m spiraling because of fear. Focus on now.” can be so helpful. It’s not going to remove all the parenting pain, of course, but it can reduce the pain you feel when you focus only on this moment.
And it’s the same for the past too. Sometimes, we think back to the past and beat ourselves up, which adds to our parenting pain. Past you didn’t know what present you knows. That’s hard to handle sometimes, but as you focus on the present, you can avoid some of those painful spirals. It helps you keep things in perspective.
Different Value Systems
Another thing that makes parenting painful is when your child has different value systems as you. This can be when they’re young and they don’t care about picking up the toys, and it can be when they’re adults and don’t have the same religious beliefs as you.
And everything on that spectrum is hard to handle, because our value systems are so personal. So when our child steps outside those value systems, it can feel like a personal attack on one end. On the other end, it can be simply confusing. Your child is making decisions that don’t make sense to your brain! And that can feel so overwhelming and even painful.
One thing that helps is to, once again, simply acknowledge this phenomenon. Just like acknowledging that you’re feeling fear can help you cope with the present moment more capably, acknowledging that your child doesn’t care about the same things you do can be freeing.
Because when you can recognize that their brain functions differently from yours, you don’t have to assign values to anything. What I mean by that is that when you think your way is the best way — picking up toys after playing, for example — it’s always going to be frustrating when your child doesn’t pick up their toys. You’re going to see their actions as not good, and your desire to have the toys picked up IS good. But if you can recognize that their values are different, you don’t have to feel so overwhelmed. You can recognize your child isn’t BAD, so you don’t have to fix the whole of them. You can still teach your child how to keep things tidy, but you don’t have to go into it with hurt feelings and frustration. Instead, it’s just that your child thinks differently than you, and that’s okay.
For the more serious things, like leaving a religion or dating someone you don’t like, you can make peace with their decisions by once again acknowledging that your child doesn’t care about the same things you do. Then, you can work to find common ground. Of course, this isn’t easy, and if your child is dating someone who is abusive, you’ll want to run in screaming to get them out of that situation. But as we all know, we just can’t. We can’t change people, but we can understand them. And when people know they’re understood, and when people feel connected, they can come to safe conclusions on their own.
I’m oversimplifying this a bit. There’s, of course, much more to this concept than I’m saying. But making the decision to accept your child’s value systems as valid is going to help you feel less painful in your parenting.
And as with everything I’m saying, I think this takes a lot of time and learning on our part. But just starting with that recognition — Oh, my child has a different value system than me — can be so helpful.
Begin with Your Easiest Thing
So those were some reframes that are hopefully helpful. I’ll sum them up really quick, and then share a few tips. Those reframes were
- Remind yourself you’re not alone, even if the nice lady in your living room insists her children never did such things. There are countless people feeling the way you feel.
- Your problems are in this moment. They aren’t in the future, and they aren’t in the past. Thinking of the future or regretting the past causes us to parent from fear, and that holds us back.
- You and your child have different value systems. Recognizing this can help you approach your relationship with less frustration and pain.
A few tips now.
One is to think of the easiest thing, and begin there. I know that may not make sense with that short sentence, so let me explain. Ask yourself what the easiest thing is for your situation with the pain in your parenting. Is it to take better care of yourself? To talk to a therapist? Is it to give your child a hug right now? To call or text your child? Is it to learn a new parenting skill? To say a prayer? Is it to make a list? To write a note to your child?
What is going to take you from pain to slightly less pain? And what is going to be the easiest way to do that? Starting with the easiest thing will help you snowball your efforts as you go.
A lot of times, the easiest thing is to do something you’re already good at. Are you already a good writer? Write a note. Already a good listener? Sit on your teenager’s bed tonight and just let them talk. Are you already a good analyzer? Sit down and figure out why your child might be acting the way they are. Are you already a fun person? Think about how you can add fun to your relationship with your child. Do you get the idea?
What comes naturally to you? Do that thing, but in a way that will strengthen your relationship with your child. Of course, your child may not reciprocate with praise and love, but you will be living in your strength, and that will help build your confidence, reduce your parenting pain, and give you ideas for what to do next.
Basically, I’m saying to be the natural person you want to be, regardless of what’s happened in the past. If you’ve been a yelling mom for years and you know there’s a whole lot of fun in you, find a way to lead with fun. When you’re acting in your natural state, you get less stressed. And that will lead to less yelling.
Find your strength, and live in it. That’s what this tip is about.
Meet Them Where They Are
The next tip is to meet your child where they are. This could be as simple as if they don’t want to sit down and have a conversation, but they do want to play video games, then play video games with them.
For the more serious challenges, like if they’re hurt by something you’ve done, acknowledge their hurt. Don’t talk them out of it. Meet them where they are. Apologize.
If you have a little kid with challenging behaviors, think about what makes them less challenging and meet them there, instead of trying to fix their behaviors.
The point is not to bring our children up to our standards of what we think life should look like, but to recognize their own standards and meet them there. We can teach all along the way, but only if we’re meeting them where they are.
No matter how old or young your child is, you are always the parent and your child is always the child. Even when your child looks and acts old enough, or IS old enough, to have adult relationships, your relationship dynamic is still parent/child. So it’s still on you to meet them where they are.
This isn’t easy, of course, and I never want to make it sound like it should be. This takes a lot of humility, and we’ll all get better over time as we keep trying.
Connection
My next tip for what to do when parenting is painful goes along with meeting them where they are, and that tip is to connect with your child. Of course it is! This podcast is called Pause and Connect, after all!
When you feel pain in your parenting, that is lonely. And when we’re lonely, we spiral. We feel worse and worse about ourselves, because we’re in our pain. Connection is the antidote to this challenge.
Figure out how to connect with your children, no matter their age. Keep this as a central priority. When your relationship is falling apart, ask yourself, “How can I connect?” This is easier when your kid is 2, right? You can give a hug and your child will forgive you for whatever is going on, and you can move on. It’s a lot harder with a 15-year-old, or a grown adult. And there’s no one-size-fits-all solution here. But connection as your priority will guide you to the right actions and conclusions.
Ask yourself, “How can I connect?” And keep asking it and acting on the impressions you get.
Celebrate Your Improvement
My final tip for what to do when parenting is painful is to celebrate your improvement. When parenting is painful, it’s likely because we’re feeling guilt or shame over our behavior. Or we’re saddened by the decisions our children are making. Or we’re afraid for the future.
But there’s improvement in all of this, and when you celebrate that improvement, you can feel more confident, which will help to reduce your pain.
For example, if you’re feeling pain because you were too harsh on your children for too many years, you can make a plan to be more connecting the next time something goes wrong. And when you choose connection over harsh correction the next time, you can celebrate that you took a positive step.
Or if you’re feeling pain because your teenager is making choices that are totally outside your family’s value system, you can choose to focus on your child’s strengths. Oh, and my last episode, episode 15, goes over how to find your child’s strengths! And when you realize you’re focusing on a strength instead of criticizing, you can celebrate that improvement.
If you’re working hard not to yell or not to respond sarcastically, acknowledge each time you successfully do this. Celebrate it. It’s improvement, and it’s valuable. It gives you confidence. And more confidence helps to reduce parenting pain.
You always have the chance to make things a little better. It isn’t always easy. But there’s always a way forward. I hope this has been helpful to you, and that you’ll know what to do when parenting is painful. Please share this episode!