When the protests of George Floyd’s murder began, I noticed a comparison popping up. And it bothered me.
People who were against the protests compared the protesters to children.
And they said things like, “If your child threw a tantrum because they didn’t get the blue cup, would you listen to them? No! You’d ignore their protests!”
I found this comparison to be so awful for a number of reasons, but here are two:
- Why do we, as a culture, act like children are negative thorns in our side? Why is it an acceptable insult to call someone a child?
- Why do we, as a culture, think that ignoring people’s pain is appropriate?
Children Are Not an Insult
When people compared the protesters to children, they assumed we were all operating from a common understanding that children are somehow less-than.
When people called protesters children, it wasn’t a compliment.
This was an insult to protesters AND to children.
Why is it okay to use the phrase “acting like a child” in a negative way? Why do we, as a culture, accept this?
Children are human beings. They have feelings, emotions, opinions, and needs. And all of those feelings, emotions, opinions, and needs are valid.
All of them.
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People compared protesters to children in an effort to demean the protesters. They didn’t stop to realize that they’re also demeaning children — also human beings.
Here’s the weird thing: As a culture, we all love children so fiercely and we recognize their worth so intensely, that we would put ourselves in harm’s way to protect them — even if they weren’t our own.
We would push a stranger’s child out of the path of a moving car, even if we might then be hit by that car. We would jump into a raging river to rescue a stranger’s drowning child. Our brains accept that children are valuable beyond compare.
In one breath, we say that children are precious and must be loved, cared for, and protected.
In the next, we use them as an insult.
“Stop acting like a child.”
“You’re throwing a tantrum, like a child.”
Which brings me to my next point:
Ignoring People’s Pain Is Not Appropriate
For some reason, our culture has this warped view that children’s pain is funny, annoying, or a nuisance.
We simply don’t take children’s pain seriously.
It’s something to roll our eyes at; something to drive us to drink; something to ignore.
It’s true that children’s meltdowns are hard to handle. And it’s true that we parents aren’t automatically equipped with the patience we need. It’s also true that we parents burn out, and need a whole lot more support than we’re getting.
But I’m not talking about that side of things. I’m talking about how our culture has trained us to not care about our children’s pain.
Yes, it feels ridiculous when my child is screaming and kicking me because I didn’t give them the blue cup.
But that’s real pain.
That’s something deeper than a blue cup.
That’s a human being having a hard time. And that’s the conversation we’re not having in parenting.
And that’s the conversation we’re not having in humanity.
Why Don’t We Take People’s Pain Seriously?
In the first days of the George Floyd protests, I had some conversations on Facebook about protests.
I am firmly FOR protests. Protests move things forward. And since the U.S., where I live, was founded on a treasonous, violent protest, I’m baffled that there are naysayers any time a group of people want to protest now.
In my conversation on Facebook, a neighbor who is against protest, asked me the question: “If your kid was throwing a tantrum, would you pay attention to them? No! You’d ignore them! That’s the only way to teach them not to behave that way.”
And that made the angry protests of the protesters more clear to me.
Because our culture thinks that ignoring a manifestation of somebody’s pain is the only way to “teach” them to behave better.
Our culture is in love with controlling people.
This is manifest in our view of parenting: we reward and punish in an effort to control our children’s behavior.
We ignore their cries if we deem them to be over unnecessary issues (like the blue cup). We have experts who teach us to walk away from our crying children to solidify the concept that their emotional reactions are not acceptable.
And then we take that viewpoint out into the world. We have an entire group of people begging us to hear them; to hear that things still aren’t fair.
We make up reasons why we can’t listen to them.
And then we call them children as an insult.
We’ve done this every time: Women’s suffrage, Civil Rights, LGBTQIA rights, #metoo, Black Lives Matter, and on.
Why is our culture so deaf to cries of pain?
Perhaps it starts in our treatment of children.
Perhaps it has something to do with how we condition ourselves to not care about our children’s small problems.
If we can do that in our homes and with the people we love, we then have the ability to pick and choose what — and who — we care about out in the world.
We’ve trained ourselves to forget that every human being is… a human being.
Empathy Is the Solution in Parenting
Listen. I’m not a perfect parent. But I have learned an important truth.
When children are in distress for any reason, they need their parents to go to them with empathy.
If my kid is crying over a blue cup, I go to them. I hug them. I tell them I’m sorry they’re sad they were given a blue cup. And the interesting thing is, that by the time I’m done hugging and saying these things, I’m actually feeling their sadness.
These actions help me feel empathy.
I’m a reasonable adult, and I know that I personally wouldn’t melt down over the blue cup. But I know that my child is having a hard time in that moment, and needs me to hear them.
And 9 times out of 10, when I practice empathy, I learn that the issue is deeper than the blue cup.
And then my child and I can solve the real issue together.
Empathy Is the Solution in Black Lives Matter
This is a parenting post, and this is a Black Lives Matter post.
We must begin practicing empathy in our homes. We must teach ourselves to go against the cultural norms. We must reject the notion that children are to be ignored when they’re having a hard time.
This will heal us.
Once we understand this, we can actively and deliberately begin to hear other people who are asking us to hear them.
Once we understand that empathy is the starting place, we can dig and hear the message people are telling us.
We can be healing bridges.
But it begins with rejecting the idea that any human being — under 3 feet tall or above — deserves to be ignored.
Nobody deserves that.
Everybody deserves to be actively and deliberately heard in their pain.
This is really good.
Thank you.