I knew I had a temper before I was a mom.
But I thought I had it under control. I found myself angry from time to time, but rarely yelled at anyone.
Then I had kids.
And suddenly, my anger was white hot. And it came out in loud vocal bursts.
If my kids wouldn’t listen to me, I yelled. That got their attention.
If they wouldn’t stop doing something I didn’t want them to do, I yelled.
I yelled when they were too loud. Too hyper. Too kid-like.
And of course, I hated what I was doing.
But I really didn’t know anything else to do. It wasn’t like I woke up in the morning, telling myself, “Today, I will approach every negative situation with a yell. That’s the ticket!” It was just the only way I knew how to handle the heavy, relentless frustrations of parenthood.
Then I learned a whole new mindset that transformed everything for me. I still yell from time to time, but it isn’t like it used to be. Yelling isn’t even a daily thing anymore.
I now handle tricky situations with much more calm, connection, and even cheer.
I’m not special. If I can do this, anyone can do it.
Here’s the mindset shift that helps me yell less.
Kids Do Well When They Can
I don’t know about you, but I entered parenthood with some ideas about obedience. I was an obedient child for the most part, so I just planned to set clear expectations and have them followed.
It was quite a surprise when my oldest turned 3 and began defying my expectations — loudly, and for extended periods of time.
I had no idea what to do, except to make it clear that I wouldn’t accept that behavior. This translated to yelling, shouting, huge consequences, and more.
And none of it worked. None of it helped me feel better. None of it helped my child.
But I kept doing it, because I just didn’t have any other framework.
Years later, I read The Explosive Child by Dr. Ross Greene. The title of the book drew me in, because my child exploded regularly. (I did too, but I chose to ignore that part of myself.)
In the book, Dr. Greene teaches that children do well when they can.
They want to please their parents.
This sounded crazy to me. My child defied me at every level; I couldn’t believe for a second that she wanted to please me.
But I read on, and decided to believe this theory about children.
Children do well when they can. If they aren’t doing well, they’re lacking a skill.
If this was true, then it stood to reason that my daughter wasn’t defying me on purpose. She wasn’t being naughty. She was just having a hard time.
What if I looked at her through that lens the next time she melted down?
So I did. And do you know what?
I didn’t yell.
The next time she threw a fit over something that seemed small to me, I didn’t yell and send her to her room. I thought: “Children do well when they can. What skill is she lacking?”
With that mindset, I was able to see she needed help regulating her emotions. Instead of steeling myself for a furious fight, my heart softened toward her.
I made it through without yelling.
And as time went on, this mindset — children do well when they can — helped me approach difficult situations without feeling that white hot anger.
Care About Their Feelings
I love my children, and always cared about their feelings.
But I learned that without knowing it, I also didn’t care about their feelings.
When their feelings were inconvenient, it made me upset. A seam in their shoe that was bothering them and making them slow down during errands was frustrating and I didn’t have patience for it. Tears over the blue cup instead of the pink cup were ridiculous, and I didn’t have patience for it. A meltdown over leaving the playground was too much, and I didn’t have patience for it.
These issues were all inconvenient to me. They slowed me down and they seemed insignificant. Plus, in the grand scheme of things, my kids’ level of upset was over the top.
But my children didn’t understand the grand scheme of things. They were living in the moment, and these issues were huge to them.
When I began looking at my children through the lens of children do well when they can, I was less frustrated about their issues.
Finally, I could see that they were lacking what they needed. If things were fine, they wouldn’t be having a meltdown. So if they were having a meltdown, that meant things weren’t fine in their world.
I began to care about the blue cup. I cared about the seam in their shoe. I cared about everything that was bothering them, because I was learning to see my children as human beings who have hard times sometimes.
And I yelled less.
Seeing my children’s problems as real made me less impatient. It gave me strength and a desire to help them, rather than huff about how hard their behavior was for me.
Have Empathy
The next thing that began to happen was I began to feel what they were feeling.
When I turned off the TV before they were ready and they melted down, I felt how upset they were. I remembered when I was a child and unable to make my own decisions about my life. I remembered how hard it was; how unfair it felt.
I still kept the TV turned off, but I comforted my children in their sadness.
Years-before me would have yelled at them for being ungrateful. Maybe I would have told them they shouldn’t cry over a TV show.
But after learning that kids do well when they can, I felt how hard it was for them in that moment.
When they defied my directions, I no longer felt I needed to yell at them to get them to shape up. I thought to myself, “Kids do well when they can,” and I helped them through their lacking skills to do the right thing.
Keep Working at It
This is not foolproof. I am definitely a fool, and I continue to mess up.
I sometimes forget that kids do well when they can.
And sometimes, I can’t make myself care.
Sometimes, I’m too spent — too upset.
Sometimes, I still yell.
But I keep working at it. Every year, I am better than the year before. Overall, I feel good about my parenting. I feel good about the way I communicate with my children.
We aren’t meant to be perfect parents. But we can take small steps whenever we want to become better.
Remember: Kids do well when they can. If they’re not doing well, they’re lacking a skill.
Connect with your child with this fun and helpful back-and-forth journal. It’s a download, so you can buy it once and print it for each child in your family. Best for children ages 7 to about 12. Get it here.
