Coronavirus, amiright?
If motherhood was busy and hectic before, it’s only intensified for many of us.
An article from Today shared that,
“Psychologists and labor experts agree that the coronavirus crisis is taking a greater toll on women — most notably on mothers — than it is on men. Even in the best of times, many women bear the brunt of an unpaid workload that includes caring for children, cleaning, cooking, doing laundry and myriad other tasks. They also carry heavy “mental load” — the emotional and psychic burden of remembering to fill out school forms, pick up eggs, make doctors’ appointments and countless other little details that cloud many moms’ thoughts and keep them up at night.”
My friends, we’re exhausted!
And now that we’re facing a new school year with new worries and additional responsibilities we’ve never had before, just…
Yikes.
It’s totally normal if we throw up our hands and say, “I’m just not cut out for this!”
It’s totally normal if we fall apart when our kid has a bad moment and says, “You’re mean, Mommy.”
Or if we feel like we’ll never measure up when our kids ignore us and wreak havoc everywhere all day.
It’s totally normal to start to think that we aren’t good moms.
But normal doesn’t mean accurate.
You’re not a bad mom.
You’re not a bad mom.
Oh, you didn’t hear me yet? I’ll say it again.
YOU’RE NOT A BAD MOM!
But if you don’t believe me, here are some things you can do to prove it to yourself.
And if you DO believe me, but you suspect you might forget this truth somewhere along the way, read on for what you can do to bring yourself back to the truth that you are already a good mom.
Lead with Your Strengths
More than ever, 2020 is a good time to learn about and understand your strengths.
Your weaknesses are loud to you. You’ll always notice them. (If you want to learn how to turn your weaknesses into strengths, read this blog post. It’s a good one!)
But if you lead with your weaknesses, you’ll always feel frustrated.
What does it look like to lead with your weaknesses?
Well, I’ll tell you something I am exceptionally bad at.
I am terrible at going to several places in one day.
I know how weird that sounds. But I have worked from home for 13 years. I’ve figured out a balance of work time, family time, and errand/chore time.
In this balance, I have learned that I can only really go to one or two places per day. So if I have a lot of errands, or if I’m managing several outside things at once (planning a birthday party, running a project for the PTA, volunteering with an organization), I will FALL APART if it all lands on one day.
So if I’m not careful with my time, I can easily lead with my weakness. I can easily set myself up for frustration by scheduling too many outside errands/projects on one day.
So what does it look like to lead with your strengths?
Because I know that too much in one day will send me to a bad place, I plan my week every Sunday.
I break my day into work hours, hours with the family, and errands/chores. In the errands/chores section, I do one — or maybe two — things each day.
And I don’t feel bad!
Because I’ve learned that this works for me. I operate by slowly and steadily chipping away at my responsibilities. And I do a dang good job when I let myself operate this way.
I’m a better human and a better mom when I lead with this strength.
Do This Action Step:
Here’s an action step for you. Sit down and write out your strengths. List as many as you want. It might help you to also write your weaknesses, so you can look at their opposites (which will likely be your strengths).
Once you understand your strengths, figure out how you can lead with them during this pandemic to make your life better.
Here are some examples to get your mind juices going:
If one of your strengths is organizing get-togethers, get creative and organize a safe, socially-distanced get-together for your child.
If one of your strengths is being on the go, take your kids to safe places.
If one of your strengths is reading to your children or making up stories, give yourself more time and space to do that.
If one of your strengths is having empathy for your child, continue doing that.
Do the things you’re good at. And be satisfied that you’re doing excellent work, even if your weaknesses are still peeking around the corner.
Downplay Your Weaknesses
The point is to stop letting your weaknesses take center stage. They’re there. Oh, they’re there. And they’ll alway be there.
But they don’t have to run your life. If you lead with your strengths — and that means doing more of what you’re good at, while being satisfied that it is enough — your weaknesses minimize. They just don’t need to show up as often.
Remember my example? It’s almost stupid how bad I am at having too many errands in one day. I could beat myself up over how ridiculous this weakness is. I could keep trying to push through and be like the busy women in my life who get so much done each day.
But I’ll tell you what. Whenever I have done that, it has hurt me. It’s just not how I operate.
And that’s okay.
Conversely, whenever I have honored this weakness and chosen to not force my way through it, I have thrived.
And that’s better than okay.
Share Responsibilities
After you figure out what your strengths are, it’s important to understand that you don’t have to do this alone.
If you’re in a relationship, your partner should be carrying these burdens with you.
If they aren’t — and we know that in heterosexual relationships, it’s often the woman who carries most of the emotional labor — have a talk.
Remember, housekeeping is not motherhood.
Do This Action Step:
List out everything you’re doing, including everything you have to think about:
- The extracurriculars your kids can do during a pandemic
- The masks your kids need to wear
- The chores that need to get done
- The college savings
- How to make the next birthday not terrible during this pandemic
- The worries about health
- The worries about education
I mean, you get the idea.
Write it out, and share it with your partner.
They may be surprised at everything you’re carrying around in your foggy head, on your weary shoulders, and on your tired back.
At that point, you can more easily divide what needs to be done. You can say, “I never want to think about a birthday party again. I’ve been doing it for 10 years. Can you please take this on?”
You can say that!
You can point out other things, like if physical chores are not evenly divided or if you’re the only one who handles doctor visits.
You can do that!
You can also look to outside help. If it would help for you to safely share childcare with a neighbor or to hire a babysitter, do it.
If your kid can’t focus during virtual lessons, ask their teacher for help. Teachers have ideas!
If you need someone to see you and comfort you, ask for help from a friend.
I know I’m beginning to oversimplify, but the point is:
You don’t have to do it all.
Share responsibilities.
And stop leading with your weaknesses. Instead, lead with your strengths.
Try these action steps now:
- Write out your strengths, and determine how you can lead with them.
- Share the burden with your partner. Write out everything you’re doing, and sit down together to divide responsibilities more evenly.
I’d love to hear if this works out for you. You can find me on Instagram @pauseandconnect and on Facebook: Pause and Connect by Rebecca Brown Wright. Send me a DM! You can also email me at connect@rebeccabrownwright.com
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