Podcast Transcript: 13 Easy-ish Ways to Connect with Your Child
Hello, and welcome to Pause and Connect. I’m Rebecca Brown Wright, and this is episode 9, and it’s called 13 Easy-ish Ways to Connect with Your Child.
Listen below, or anywhere you listen to podcasts.
Easy-ish is the key word here. There are countless ideas out there for fun, involved ways you can connect with your kids. My daughter and I recorded an episode on ways to connect with your teens. So fun.
I love those fun ways to connect with your child!
But this episode is a little different. This episode is about making it easy to connect with your child. It’s about taking the ordinary things you’re already doing, and figuring out how to make them something that can have a deeply positive impact on your relationship with your child.
I started this business with my back-and-forth journal for parents and kids, because I realized I was going to bed at night sometimes and realizing I hadn’t done anything to connect with my kids. I hated it. We were busy, and my only connections were: “Get your shoes on, hurry up and get in the car, hurry up and get out of the car, finish your dinner, get to bed.”
We all have days like that. But that’s why I created the back-and-forth journal, because it was a way for me to connect with my kids on those days when we couldn’t spend any time together.
And that’s what this episode is about. I want to point out the pockets in our days when we could potentially be connecting with our kids. I want to point them out in a way that doesn’t induce guilt, but helps empower us to build these connections into our rhythms.
So that over time, these tiny, easyish things we’re doing as part of our regular days will add up to deep connections.
Because we go through seasons when there’s no time. We go through seasons when we’re exhausted. We go through seasons when we’re agitated all the time. That’s life. But when we recognize these easyish pockets in our days, we can keep connecting, even when we feel like we have nothing left to give. Because it will be a part of the rhythm of our lives.
Know that I HATE overwhelming, and so this list of 13 easy-ish ways to connect with your child is going to show you how sometimes it just takes a little tweak, or a new way of looking at things, to make a really powerful connection.
Okay, let’s get started.
Well, before we get started, I need to say that it’s so important to honor the seasons of your life. If you have a newborn, life is just survival and that’s okay. If someone is chronically ill, you have less to give. You might work 60 hours a week, and it’s okay if you’re tired. So take from this list what makes sense to you and your life, and let the rest of it go.
1. Connect with Your Child in Your Regular Schedule
It’s often hard to ADD things to our schedule. So when thinking about how you can connect with your child more, look at what’s already happening in your schedule. Can you combine a connection activity with something you already have to do?
For example, I make the meal plans for our family. My daughter loves to bake, and she wants to open a bakery when she’s older. I bet she would enjoy sitting down with me to plan the meals for the week. I haven’t tried this with her yet, but I’m going to. It’s something I already have to do. Why not bring in a child who might enjoy it along with me?
Maybe you have one child who goes to basketball practice while another child has nothing to do. How about bringing that child along and taking a walk while you wait for the practice to end?
Look at your schedule and realize what you’re already doing, and is there a way to bring your child into it with you? Don’t overwhelm yourself with this. Maybe pick one thing that you have to do anyway, and see how you can involve your child in a way that will be positive and connecting for both of you.
2. Think of Your Talents
#2 is similar. Ask yourself what you’re already good at. What is something you do well naturally? These are GREAT activities to include your children in, because you can teach them what you know. And if you’re good at them, you probably enjoy them. So bringing your child along can be a positive experience.
Or it can blow up in your face. Let’s be real about that! So be honest with yourself on this one.
But stop and think about your talents. These don’t have to be the fun kinds of talents, like painting or running, although they could be. Think of all your talents. Are you good at organizing your house? Leading a team meeting at work? Remembering the ins and outs and ups and downs of all the people in your favorite reality TV show? Finding excellent music? Cooking? Getting out and seeing your city? Being fun? Teaching? Sports? Writing? Identifying celebrities’ noses? Saying words backwards? Finding bargain deals?
Seriously, what are you good at? Think about how you can use your talents to connect with your child. You might want to take some time to write this out in a brainstorm. Once you have a good list of your talents, think about how you can bring your child along with you.
Here’s an example. I enjoy writing, so I write letters and notes to my children.
Let’s say you’re not into writing long love letters? More into bargain shopping? Figure out what your child loves to collect and teach them how to find the best bargains for it. My sister in law loves to take her teenagers along with her when she runs errands. They enjoy shopping together and finding things for the house.
I have a friend who loves celebrating. So she makes ordinary things a little more fun with her kids. She’ll make snack time a tea party, or she’ll involve them in making party decorations for a birthday.
Are you good at sports? You could organize a neighborhood sporting tournament with your child or go for a hike together.
My sister in law is good at gathering people. When she was a nanny, she came up with themes and invited the neighbor kids of her little kids over to playdates that were sort of like parties.
Are you great in the kitchen? Try new recipes together.
Do you play an instrument? Teach your child a song to sing, and accompany them. I just watched a video of a friend on Facebook singing a gorgeous duet with her teenage daughter while her daughter played the ukulele.
Excellent at woodworking? Make a birdhouse together. Good at keeping up with reality stars? Binge watch an age-appropriate reality show together.
If you love to organize, spend a Saturday in your child’s room teaching them how to display their Pokemon cards in an organized, cool way.
It doesn’t have to be huge (but it can be if you’re the sort of person who likes to go big).
Just do you. Think about how your talent can draw you closer to your child. You’ll have success as you try to connect with your child in this way, because it will come naturally to you.
3. Name Your Activities
#3 is probably the best, easiest tip I have to offer, and if you hear nothing else this episode, commit this one to memory.
Name your activities.
This makes anything more special, which makes moods improve, which makes your time together more connected and enjoyable.
You don’t even have to come up with a special name. You can just call it what it is. At night, my husband and I each spend 10 minutes with one kid while we put them to bed. And that’s what we call it: 10 minutes.
We would probably do it anyway, but because it has a name, the kids look forward to it, ask for it, and think of what they’d like to do or talk about during the time. And it just feels a little bit more connecting that way.
If you have to take a kid on an errand with you, name it. “Hey, let’s go have Mom/Emma time at the grocery store.”
Or get more creative and call it an adventure. “It’s hunt time. We’re going on a hunt for the BEST Babysitter’s Club book at the library.”
Remember I said I’m giving you easy-ish tips? This one is the easiest, because you don’t even have to plan it. You can use it on the spur of the moment. Instead of calling homework what it is, you can call it “Stump Mom Time” and see if your child can teach you something you don’t know as you help with homework.
The point is to just pause for a minute and point out that the two of you are doing something together. It helps you be more mindful that this is time for the two of you, and it makes your child feel special and fills their cup so that they don’t have to fight for your attention later. Their time with you was named, so they understand they already got time with you.
And this leads me to idea #4, which is a more formal way to do what I just described.
4. Special Time
Schedule special time into your week. This makes a HUGE impact.
This is how it works.
You set aside 10 to 15 minutes to have special one-on-one time to connect with your child, and you schedule it so they know to look forward to it and think of what they want to do.
You establish your rules. (Ours are: no screen time, the child chooses what we do, and it has to be something that can be done in the house).
This is how it will look: You might say, “We’re going to have Mommy/Emma Special Time on Wednesday at 7:00 before bedtime for 15 minutes.”
When Wednesday gets here, you ask your child what she wants to do in a pre-set location (your bedroom, her bedroom, the family room, the backyard…). She says she wants to color, have relay races, read books, tell stories. You set a timer for 15 minutes, and you’re off!
Trust me on this one. When we started doing this, we actually saw some (not all) behavior issues completely disappear. Children crave time and attention from their parents, and when they know they’re going to get it, they have less of a need to act out. And after “Mommy/Emma Special Time,” we both feel gentler, happier, and more joyful about each other. And that translates to easier behavior and connections throughout the week.
5. Car Time
#5 is one that I’m terrible at, but I’m including it here, because you might really be good at it. And it’s an easy one, if you’re good at it.
Take advantage of car time. If you’re in the car a lot, you’ve actually been given a gift. Once your kids are strapped into their seats, they can’t go anywhere and you have time to interact. This is actually a good place for pre-teens and teens, because they can have more serious conversations without having to make eye contact with you.
Now I said I’m bad at this, and that’s because my mind tends to wander while I’m in the car. I don’t know what it is. But if my kids are talking a lot, I have a hard time focusing. Plus, I enjoy listening to the radio, so I’m not always good at wanting to hear my kids in that space.
This is something I need to work on, obviously, but I know that when I AM able to give my focus to my kids in the car, we have some of the best conversations there. They tell me things they just wouldn’t somewhere else. There’s a power in not having to look at your parent in the eye. It helps them open up.
If I was good at this, I might try some of these ideas to get them to open up even more:
Start a story and have your child finish it. Ask your child to tell you three random things about the day. Ask them what their high points and low points were of the day. Tell them stories about your childhood.
6. Do Chores Together
#6 is a simple one. Do chores together.
Listen. You have to get the chores done. You also have to teach your kids responsibility and all that, and part of that is teaching them how to do chores.
Why not do chores side by side? You sweep and mop the kitchen while your child does the dishes. Shovel the snow together. Split the living room in two, and each take a side to tidy.
Make it fun by putting on favorite music or an awesome podcast, trying to beat the clock, or trying to beat each other.
Take our previous tip and name it. It’s time for The Great Smith Sweep-a-thon. The Brown Family Bathroom Beautification Bash.
And if you name it with enough enthusiasm, your younger kids will get so caught up in the excitement, they’ll have no idea they’ve been hoodwinked.
7. Leave Notes
#7 is my favorite. Leave notes.
We seriously don’t have enough hours in the day. If your kids are in school or daycare during the day, followed by activities at night, you might find seasons where you just don’t have much time to connect in the presence of each other.
Even in the time of Covid, Zoom takes up our time. And remember, we’re just plain exhausted.
That’s where notes come in so handy. In 30 seconds, you can write a sweet note to your child and leave it on their bed, in their lunch box, in their dance bag, or on their mirror. If you don’t have 30 seconds, you can scribble I Love You on a sticky note and leave it where your child will find it. It’s enough. And it’s good. It’s appreciated and it makes your child feel special.
And it’s a super quick way to connect with your child.
If you have pre-readers, you can draw pictures (stick figures are totally fine!) or write a note anyway. Kids love knowing they’ve been thought of, even if they can’t read the words themselves. You can read them at bedtime for a second connection. First connection: receiving the note. Second connection: reading the note together.
#8. Hug
Some people are natural huggers. I am not one of those people. I have had to train myself to hug my children and husband more often.
But I’ve learned over and over about the power of a hug. Touch is healing, reassuring, loving, and calming. Hugs do some sort of magical deposit into your bank account of patience. I’m not kidding. Each time you hug, the connection between you and your child builds. Then when your kid stomps her feet at you because you asked her to fold her laundry before running outside to play, you can draw on that bank account.
When my daughter and I were going through a period of complete misunderstanding, and meltdowns were off the charts both in terms of frequency and intensity, I suggested that we aim for 20 hugs a day.
She liked that idea, and it became a game. We made up rules as we went (we couldn’t get all 20 out in one shot — we had to make it happen all day) and the tension in our home disappeared for at ime.
It was magic.
In fact, I began training myself to hug her as soon as tensions began to rise, and — Whoa, Nelly — that changed EVERYTHING for us.
9. Use a Special Handshake
#9 takes less than five seconds.
Come up with a special handshake that belongs to just you and your child. It will take you five seconds to do as your child runs out the door to catch the bus and another five seconds right before bedtime. But it will make your child feel so special, it will put a smile on your own face, and that connection between the two of you will deepen.
Or how about a special phrase? You don’t have to reinvent the wheel here. “See ya later, alligator” works perfectly fine for the 10 and under crowd. Just say it every day at the same time, and it’s now your special phrase.
A silly face you make each day when you wake up or when you greet each other after school?
The point here is to just pick something that belongs to the two of you — and do it regularly. It’s special. It helps you connect with your child.
10. Pause When Your Child Asks for You
#10 sounds hard, but it saves a lot of time in the long run: Pause when your child asks for you.
It’s a game changer.
Ever heard the phrase “a stitch in time saves nine?” It’s referring to stitching up a small hole or tear promptly instead of waiting to repair it later once it’s grown bigger and requires more stitches (nine stitches).
I’m here to tell you that a prompt pause in time saves whine.
What am I talking about?
You know how as soon as you get started on an involved project — frosting cupcakes for a birthday party, organizing your bookshelf, sorting the laundry — your kids come in and want all your attention? And then you shoo them away because you have zero time to give them attention? Then they come back and whine about something else? And then they start fighting with each other? Then they pick on the cat? And then they break something? Then they spill nail polish all over the couch?
And each of these interruptions pulls you away from what you’re trying to do, exasperating you beyond the level of exasperation you thought was possible — and you explode!
Next time they ask you for something when you’re involved in something else, try this:
- Go and watch the dance move they just made up.
- Sit down and read the book they’re carrying around.
- Fix their broken toy.
- Fly the toy airplane through the air with them.
And then go back to what you were doing.
Two things are happening here:
- You’re communicating to your child that they are important to you, and you want to connect with them.
- They’re getting the attention they need, and now they don’t have to keep begging for attention in countless other destructive, whiny, and/or frustrating ways.
Again, trust me on this one. I know it won’t be possible every single time they ask for your attention, but try and pause to give them what they’re asking for, more often than not. You’ll see their needs get satisfied super quick, allowing you to get back to what you were doing. And nobody’s tempers will explode.
Again, no guilt though, Mama. If you have to shoo them away from time to time, don’t be hard on yourself. You can’t be “on” all the time. But if this one resonates with you — if you realize you say no or “Just a second” more often than not, try replacing just one of those “Just a seconds!” with a “Sure, I’m coming.” See how it works.
11. Share a Show Together
#11 is to share a favorite TV show together. This counts. It does. We know we need to be careful with screen time, but bonding over a TV show can be a hugely connecting experience. And it’s so low-maintenance that you can do it any time. And chances are, you’re going to enjoy it too.
12. Set the Stage
#12 is to set the stage for a good after-school or after-activity talk.
So before your child leaves for school or soccer, ask them to think about something specific they can tell you when they get home. Maybe it’s something simple like what they chose for lunch or how many ponytails they counted on their team. Or maybe it’s something more deep, like, “Look for someone who’s lonely and tell me how you helped them.”
The idea in this is you’re thinking together of something to share later. That way, your child thinks of you during the day, and your after-school conversation is easier to start. And it’s a nice thread that keeps you connected all day.
13. Back-and-Forth Journal
#13 is my favorite! How many favorites have I had here?
Use my back-and-forth journal. This was such a game changer for my relationship with one child. This particular child has a hard time articulating how they’re feeling when I ask questions out loud. But in the back-and-forth journal? They revealed SO many incredible things I had no idea about. I found out what they LOVE about themselves! They told me what they feared. They also told me a bunch of silly things, which I loved. And it gave me a place to also share things about myself with them, which helped them to know me better.
I also have a child who has NO problem telling me how they feel, but the back-and-forth journal brought us closer too. Sometimes, this child would even use it to express when they were angry at me for doing something they thought was unfair. I have found that to be really helpful and even healthy, as they stepped away, wrote their feelings, and waited for me to step away and write my feelings back. It became just one more good tool for us to communicate effectively with each other.
You can get one too.
It’s seriously so good.
And that’s that! Thanks for being here. I hope you found these ideas to be NOT overwhelming, but something you could easily pick up and start doing without too much effort. Remember, you can’t do everything all the time. But you can do a little something to connect with your child today.
Thank you so much for being here, and happy connecting!