It’s really easy to get to a place where life happens to us, rather than living life on our own terms. It happens to the best of us: we get swept up in the daily, and before we know it, we aren’t sure if we’re living the way we intended — are we connecting with the people we want to be connecting with? Are we doing the things we want to do?
If you want to avoid this, you have to be intentional about your choices. And as a parent, you have to intentionally look for ways to connect with your children. Connecting isn’t just about spending time together; we can be in the same house all day long, but if we’re mad at each other or if someone is on social media the whole time, we aren’t actually connecting.
There’s that intentionality again. If you don’t intentionally look for ways to connect — to know your children; to let your children know you; to form bonds and develop memories — life will happen to you. And to your kids.
But between work and dance practice and homework, there’s often very little time to connect with your kids. That’s where these 5 handy ideas come in. Use them as you go about your day. Tack them onto what you already have to do. This way, you’ll be able to cross off items on your to-do list, but you’ll go to bed at night knowing you and your child have a good relationship.
1. Name Your Time Together
In my house, we try and do a “Mommy/Child’s Name Special Time” once a week. It takes literally 15 minutes, but it’s one of the biggest things that has impacted my connection with each of my kids.
This is how it works.
The Formal Way
- You establish your rules. (Ours are: no screen time, the child chooses what we do, and it has to be something that can be done in the house).
- You say, “We’re going to have Mommy/Emma Special Time on Wednesday at 7:00 before bedtime for 15 minutes.”
- Your child jumps up and down with anticipation.
- When Wednesday gets here, you ask your child what she wants to do in a pre-set location (your bedroom, her bedroom, the family room, the backyard…). She says she wants to color, have relay races, read books, tell stories. You set a timer for 15 minutes, and you’re off!
Trust me on this one. When we started doing this, we actually saw some (not all) behavior issues completely disappear.
Children crave time and attention from their parents, and when they know they’re going to get it, they have less of a need to act out. And after “Mommy/Emma Special Time,” we both feel gentler, happier, and more joyful about each other. And that translates to easier behavior and connections throughout the week.
The Informal Way
Here’s an informal way to use the power of naming your together time.
This is the easiest of all the easies in the realm of connecting with your child. Just name whatever you’re already doing together.
That’s all there is to it.
Heading to the grocery store with just one kid? Cooking dinner with a little shadow tugging on your leg? Raking the leaves?
Say, “Hey Kid, this is Mommy/Kid Special Time! How fun that it’s just you and me.” You figure out what makes it special as you go. Maybe your kid gets to push the cart at the store. Maybe he gets to chop the carrots by himself. Maybe she gets hot chocolate when you finish raking and go inside.
Whatever it is, once the activity is named, it has significant power. You both treat the event differently. You smile more, you feel better, and your kid feels so stinking special.
2. Do Chores Together – But Make This Fun!
Listen. You have to get the chores done. You also have to teach your kids responsibility and all that, and part of that is teaching them how to do chores.
Why not do chores side by side? You sweep and mop the kitchen while your child does the dishes. Shovel the snow together. Split the living room in two, and each take a side to tidy.
Sometimes that’s all you need to do — especially with an older child. Sometimes, the act of weeding, washing, or wiping gets a child’s thoughts going and they open up to you.
Other times, you’ll need to make this fun. Use these ideas:
- Play favorite music
- Listen to an awesome podcast
- Try to beat the clock
- Race each other
- Pretend you’re Cinderella (my sneaky mom got me to wash a lot of floors this way when I was little)
- Do the chore on one foot
- Do the chore with one hand
- Do the chore with your thumbs taped to your hands
- Take turns doing parts of the chore while the other person acts as a sportscaster: “Now, he’s wiping the bowl of the sink. I gotta tell ya, I’ve never seen someone wipe so thoroughly. This rookie is sure going to go places.”
- Take Tip #1, and name what you’re doing: It’s time for The Great Smith Sweep-a-thon. The Brown Family Bathroom Beautification Bash.
- New rule: Only hopping; no walking
- Do the chore with crazy hair or silly dress-up clothes
- Pretend you’re characters from your child’s favorite TV show
3. Leave Notes
We seriously don’t have enough hours in the day. If your kids are in school or daycare all day, followed by activities at night, you might find seasons where you just don’t have much time to connect in the presence of each other.
That’s where notes come in so handy. In 30 seconds, you can write a sweet note to your child and leave it on their bed, in their lunch box, in their dance bag, or on their mirror. If you don’t have 30 seconds, you can scribble I Love You on a sticky note and leave it where your child will find it. It’s enough. It’s good. It’s appreciated and it makes your child feel special.
If you have pre-readers, you can draw pictures (stick figures are totally fine!) or write a note anyway. Kids love knowing they’ve been thought of, even if they can’t read the words themselves. You can read them at bedtime for a second connection. First connection: receiving the note. Second connection: reading the note together.
Grab my back-and-forth journal that gives you prompts to answer, and leave on your child’s pillow. In just a few seconds a day, you can make a meaningful connection — even when you can’t be near each other!
4. Make up a Special Handshake or Phrase
Come up with a special handshake that belongs to just you and your child. It will take you five seconds to do as your child runs out the door to catch the bus and another 5 seconds right before bedtime. But it will make your child feel so special, it will put a smile on your own face, and that connection between the two of you will deepen.
Or how about a special phrase? You don’t have to reinvent the wheel here. “See ya later, alligator” works perfectly fine for the 10-and-under crowd. Just say it every day at the same time, and it’s now your special phrase.
How about a silly face you make each day when you wake up, or when you greet each other after school?
The point here is to just pick something that belongs to the two of you — and do it regularly. It’s special. It connects.
5. Pause When They Ask for You
Oh, this one sounds hard.
But it’s a game changer.
Ever heard the phrase “a stitch in time saves nine?” It’s referring to stitching up a small hole or tear promptly instead of waiting to repair it later once it’s grown bigger and requires more stitches (nine stitches).
I’m here to tell you that a prompt pause in time saves whine.
What am I talking about?
You know how as soon as you get started on an involved project — frosting cupcakes for a birthday party, writing a blog post, getting on a conference call, organizing your bookshelf, sorting the laundry — your kids come in and want all your attention?
And then you shoo them away because you have zero time to give them attention? And then they come back and whine about something else? And then they start fighting with each other? And then they pick on the cat? And then they break something? And then they spill nail polish all over the couch?
And each of these interruptions pulls you away from what you’re trying to do, exasperating you beyond the level of exasperation you thought was possible — and you explode!
Next time they ask you for something when you’re involved in something else, try this:
- Go and watch the dance move they just made up
- Sit down and read the book they’re carrying around
- Fix their broken toy
- Fly the toy airplane through the air with them
- Listen to their story about their day
And then go back to what you were doing.
You’re doing two things here.
- You’re communicating to your child that they are important to you, and you want to connect with them.
- You’re giving them the attention they need, and now they don’t have to keep begging for attention in countless other destructive or frustrating ways.
Again, trust me on this one. I know it won’t be possible every single time they ask for your attention, but try and pause to give them what they’re asking for more often than not. You’ll see their needs get satisfied super quick, allowing you to get back to what you were doing. And nobody’s tempers will explode.
{How to Get More Done When You Have Kids}
Again, no guilt though, Mama. If you have to shoo them away from time to time, don’t be hard on yourself. You can’t be “on” all the time. But if this one resonates with you — if you realize you say no or “Just a second” more often than not, try replacing just one of those “Just a seconds!” with a “Sure, I’m coming.” See how it works.
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