You’ve seen this hashtag: #momfail?
For the most part, I think it’s meant to be funny. But even so, there are a whole lot of moms out there who feel like they’re failing at momming on a daily basis. Listen. We’re living in a culture of mom hurt.
What are we communicating to ourselves when we say that failure as a mom is a real thing?
#momfail isn’t real. You can’t fail at motherhood. Let me be clear: I’m not talking about mothers who abuse, neglect, abandon, and the like. That’s a separate conversation with many elements.
But you — you who love your child and work hard day and night to make sure you’re doing the right things for your babies — you’re not failing. Like, ever.
People use #momfail for silly things. “Just realized my kid wore her shirt to school backwards. #momfail”
I even said it when I realized a few years ago that we didn’t have any Easter traditions. “We’re failing as parents,” is what I said.
But these things aren’t failures! They’re just mistakes – or maybe they aren’t even mistakes. Like when you decide not to volunteer for the PTA, that’s not a mistake and you’re not a failure as a mom. Or when your house has toys on the floor, that’s not a mistake – that’s life – and you’re not #momfailing. You’re just living life.
There is no pass/fail or A, B, C, D, or F grades for motherhood.
Accidentally sending your kids to a birthday party with dirt on their faces? Not a failure. Just another day in a normal life. Losing your cool at the end of the day? Not a failure. Just a mom who has reached her breaking point and made a mistake. Forgetting your child at after-school pickup? Not a failure. A mom experiencing overwhelm or distraction. You can fix that mistake. You’re not a #momfail.
You can (and should try to) fix mistakes. But you don’t fail at being a mom because you make mistakes.
And you don’t fail at being a mom because you don’t do things perfectly.
And you don’t fail at being a mom because you opt out of certain traditions or societal expectations.
When we keep saying this #momfail, we’re telling the world that there is no room for mistakes or even being human as a mom. We’re telling ourselves there IS such thing as a perfect mom, and we’ll never reach it. When we believe we can fail as a mom, we set ourselves up to never feel complete and happy. Because there’s always the chance that one slip-up could give us the failure card.
Listen. You can feel bad for yelling at your child. You can feel embarrassed when you notice your child’s backpack smells like dead fish. But please, know you are not a failure as a mom. You made a mistake, your child made a mistake, or you opted out of a system you don’t want to be a part of. It’s not failing. It’s life.
Fix your mistakes. But don’t call yourself a failure.
We have to stop giving fail and passing grades to ourselves and each other. In saying there’s a passing grade, we’re saying there’s a way to do it perfectly. But there’s not. There’s absolutely not.
When we put up an impossible ideal, we will surely fail to meet it.
You’re not #momfailing — because there’s no such thing.
