“STOP! YOU HAVE TO STOP CRYING!”
My child was having a meltdown in public, and this was how I was handling it — right in their face, mind you.
The meltdown was drawing stares.
And it was stressing me out.
And I needed it to end!
So I resorted to threats and intimidation.
You can already predict what happened.
That’s right.
My child did NOT stop crying.
In fact, they got louder.
I don’t even remember the complete ending to this story. I know they eventually stopped crying, because they aren’t crying now (I just checked), but I can imagine I got angrier, they got scared, and we both lost control.
Sigh.
If this is familiar in any way, I hope it’s nice to know you aren’t alone.
But even nicer? I have a process to help you avoid this situation in the future.
Eventually, I learned a more compassionate way that actually works — because it takes my child’s brain and emotions into account.
Here’s the process for how to calm your child down without doing what I did.
(Watch this video to see me explain this calm-your-child process.)
How to Calm Your Child: Remember, It’s Not About YOU
Your child isn’t melting down to make you mad, even if it seems like they might be.
What’s actually happening is that their brain is being flooded with emotions they can’t control. When the emotional part of their brain takes over in this way, they can’t see logic. Because of this, it’s completely unhelpful to try and teach them a lesson right now. And it’s unhelpful to punish them for their behaviors.
Imagine you’re on a boat and it begins to flood because there’s a hole in the bottom. Would it be helpful to shout at the hole and tell it this is really bad timing? Would it be helpful to say, “Next time we go for a boat ride, you need to not cause this boat to sink!”?
Of course not!
It’s the same with your child’s brain. When their brain is flooded with emotions, you can’t stop those emotions by telling them they can’t have them. You can’t start lecturing and expect it to make a difference.
With the boat, you need to quickly plug the hole and empty the water from the boat. It’s the same with your children: Quickly connect with them to help them let the flood waters recede.
This is a time to realize they need you — they’re not giving you a hard time; they’re having a hard time.
Remind yourself that this is the time to connect with your child, not lecture or teach a lesson. This is the time to help them calm down.
1. Show Empathy
Now that you’ve gotten a clear picture of what your role is — that of a guide, mentor, and connector — it’s time to calm your child by walking them through this process.
You do this by showing empathy. Tell them their feelings are valid. Express empathy for what they’re going through.
Without this step, your child has to fight. They know things don’t feel right, but they’re so overwhelmed, they don’t know how to manage those feelings. If they’re left on their own to figure out their feelings, they’ll be uncomfortable. And they’ll search for justification for that discomfort.
And that justification will come easily by fighting back against you.
Instead, take the need for a fight away by empathizing with them.
Here’s a script: “I’m so sorry you don’t want to go to bed tonight. I didn’t always like bedtime when I was your age. This is tough, isn’t it?”
Then, stay with them in their emotions. Hugging is very effective, if they’ll allow it.
2. Show Emotion in Your Facial Expression
This is such a gamechanger tip!
When you’re telling them you’re sorry for what they’re going through, make a sad face.
Why? When you do this, you’re mirroring their emotions back to them. This helps you BOTH because:
1. they see that you feel what they’re feeling
2. you begin to feel what they’re feeling
3. you begin to be connected in your emotions
It doesn’t have to be overdone. Just imagine how sad your child feels and let your face reflect it.
3. Reflect Back What Your Child Is Saying
A child feels heard when you can express what they’re feeling. Show your child you get what they’re saying by using their own words.
If they’re saying you’re so mean because you never let them play with their friends, repeat that back to them in a kind way.
“You’re mad you can’t play with your friends.” (Let your face reflect their feelings.)
“You think I’m a mean mommy.”
This might feel hard, but remember: it’s not about you. Even if they tell you they hate you, it’s not about you.
It may sting, but with practice you can do this.
“You feel like you hate me right now.”
This is the part where most of us want to moralize and teach a lesson. We can’t stand the things they say, and we think they shouldn’t be allowed to “get away” with saying such hurtful things.
But please, don’t worry about moralizing. Remember: their brains are flooded with emotion right now. Logic is not at play. You have to help the waters recede before they can learn a lesson.
You don’t have to correct them. Just reflect back what they’ve said. You’re helping them know they are heard, you’re calming your child, and you’re removing the need for a fight.
4. Ask If You Understand Them Correctly
Ask them if you’re right. “You think I’m a mean mommy. Is that right?”
Remember, it’s not about you. Don’t criticize their feelings, even if they’re hard to digest.
At this point, they’ll tell you if you understand them or not.
They might say, “YES! You’re a mean mommy because you make me go to bed alone!”
You can then empathize. “I’m sorry. That must feel hard.”
You’re not agreeing with them, but you are hearing them.
They may also disagree. “No! I’m mad because you never listen to me!”
Now you know what’s going on, and you can repeat it back to them with emapthy.
“I’m so sorry. You wish I would listen better.”
When they know you get them, it’s easier to calm down.
5. Once Everyone Is Calm, Discuss
Your child will begin to calm somewhere in this process. Some will calm immediately, and others might need you to repeat portions of the process several times.
Keep reminding yourself it’s not about you or about teaching a lesson. This is about connecting with your child to calm your child.
Once your child is calm and feeling secure, THEN you can teach a lesson if you need to.
But keep in mind that your child might not actually need a lesson. They may have learned everything they needed to in this process.
But if you need to follow up, you can do it now that you’re both calm. When they are calm — and I mean COMPLETELY calm, not just done crying — talk about solutions.
“Thanks for helping me understand you wish you could play with your friends. I need you to get your chores done. Do you have a solution for getting more friend time, while still getting your chores done?”
At this point, they’ll be able to access the logical part of their brain, and the two of you can reach a solution together.
The bottom line is: Stay with your child. Hug them. Love them. Tell them you understand, and you’re sorry they’re going through this.
As this happens, your child will calm and you’ll know what to do next.
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