Children Want to Succeed
We really mess up when we talk about children.
Our language and beliefs don’t allow us to see our children for who they are. We criticize them for things they don’t necessarily have control over. And we expect way too much of them.
Why do we do this?
Because as a society, we collectively hold a belief that when children make mistakes, they’re doing so intentionally. We believe that while children are lovely and wonderful, they also choose to be naughty and bad.
Here’s the thing: It’s not true.
Look at some of the things we say about kids:
- “If they just tried harder, they wouldn’t keep forgetting their homework.”
- “They’re such brats to their siblings.”
- “My kid is throwing a fit because they’re not getting their way.”
- “They do this to make me mad.”
- “They’re manipulating me.”
These thoughts and mindsets — that children are intentionally bad — are harming our kids.
There is a better mindset, and that is to understand that children do well when they can. If they’re not doing well, something is getting in the way.
“I Can’t Help Somebody Who Doesn’t Want to Succeed”
Let me give you an example.
I have a child who is struggling in a class. When I realized there was a disconnect happening with assignments, I emailed the teacher. I told her I see that my child is having a hard time, and asked her what we could do to help my child be successful.
I don’t want to villainize the teacher — she’s a good teacher — but she responded with an old-school mindset that harms children. She told me my child is distracted in class and doesn’t ask for help. She summed everything up by saying she can’t help a child who doesn’t want to succeed.
Here’s the thing: The teacher identified two problems my child is having:
- Distraction
- Shyness (not asking for help)
Obviously, my child is struggling with at least two things. Why, then, did the teacher conclude that my child doesn’t want to succeed?
Imagine watching a small child trying to reach a high shelf but being unable to. When they ultimately walk away, would you conclude that the child just doesn’t want to succeed?
No!
That makes no sense! The child is too short for the task in front of them. They have something that is getting in the way of their success — it’s not that they just don’t want to succeed.
They could want to reach that high shelf more than anything, but never be able to — simply because they don’t have the height and tools they need to do so. It has nothing to do with desire.
It’s not that a child who is struggling in class doesn’t want to succeed.
Children want to succeed.
That’s the mindset that is lacking in so much conversation among the adults who help children.
Adults blame children when they mess up, and say things like what my child’s teacher said:
“I can’t help a child who doesn’t want to succeed.”
What does that even mean?
Children Want to Succeed
Let’s say you give a child a magic wand and say, “You still have to go to school and do your homework assignments. BUT, you can use this wand to change how you’re doing at school.”
What would the child do? Would they throw the wand away and say, “Hmmm nope. I don’t want to succeed.”?
No!
They’d wave that wand for straight As, getting homework done faster, understanding what their teacher is saying, and so forth.
They’d wave that wand and be successful.
Because children want to be successful.
How to Use This Mindset with All Issues
How does this apply to all the daily issues of parenting?
If your toddler has a meltdown about the wrong color cup, remind yourself that they’re not a brat. They’re not trying to make your day hard.
The truth is they can’t succeed in this moment. They want to, but they can’t.
If they could, they would.
If your child is struggling in school, it’s not that they’re lazy. It’s not that they’re stupid or don’t want to succeed. They’re lacking something that’s preventing them from being successful.
Kids fighting with each other? It’s not that they’re mean. It’s not that they’re “looking for a fight.” And it’s definitely not that they’re brats. They’re having a hard time choosing a better option in this moment.
Nobody wants to be unsuccessful. Nobody wants to fail.
Children do not want to fail.
If a child is failing at something, they are lacking the knowledge, skills, or environment to be successful right now.
You can teach knowledge and skills over time. You can change environments to be more suited for success.
But if you make up your mind that your child is a brat, doesn’t want to succeed, is a “little tyrant,” or is bad or deficient in some way, it won’t help.
If you work with children in any capacity — teacher, parent, administrator, doctor, therapist, coach — remember that children always want to succeed.
Always.
Nobody wakes up and says, “I sure can’t wait to get to class today and fail.”
Or, “I can’t wait to make my parents angry at me.”
Nobody says that. Nobody feels that.
Children always want to succeed. If they aren’t succeeding, there’s something getting in the way.
And as an adult in their life, if you look for what’s getting in the way, you’ll help them find the path to success.
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