When I was younger, I always wished I could have a secret (or even not-so-secret!) valentine. There were so many girls who got this honor, and I envied them as they walked around school with oversized teddy bears, flowers, and balloons on Valentine’s Day.

Sadly, no boy ever crawled out of the woodwork on Valentine’s Day to shower me with public affection. But I did always feel noticed on that day because my mom did something a little extra special. Always, there would be a little gift for each kid on our breakfast plates. Often, there would be a sweet note or card accompanying it.

I’m sure my mom didn’t know I was pining away for a secret admirer, but her simple gesture did soften the day a bit for me. I wish the day wasn’t so hyped up with expectation in our culture, but since it is, I’m grateful I felt recognized each year by someone who loves me. 

And my husband and I see the day as a way to do the same for our kids.

Valentine’s Day doesn’t have to be a thing in your family if you don’t want it to be. There are 364 other days in the year to show love, amiright? But the idea of intentional gestures of love is something I think we can all get behind.

A special family Valentine dinner is one intentional way our family likes to celebrate Valentine’s Day, but this could easily be done any day of the year.

{Grab this Quick Freebie: 6 Things to Do to Get Your Kids to Listen}

What Is a Family Valentine Dinner?

Intentional moments of family connection help families in the good times and the bad times. There is power in setting aside time to do special things as a family. The connections that are built during these times help everyone feel important and valued. So when tricky times come up (cue the meltdowns over turning off the TV), parents and children can more easily come back together because they’ve built that foundation of connection.

A family Valentine dinner is an intentional way to build loving family connections. You don’t have to do this specific idea if it doesn’t appeal to you, but I encourage you to think of intentional ways for your family to specifically express love for each individual. 

Each year, on or around Valentine’s Day, we have a special family Valentine dinner where we tell each other what we love about each other. The format for how we tell each other is normally different, but the basic structure is always the same:

Each person takes time to express love to each individual family member.

How to Express Love to Each Family Member at Your Valentine Dinner

The main point of this dinner is to have a safe place to express love for each other. As kids get older, it may sometimes feel harder to tell a sibling or parent they love them. And without practice, it can be hard to come up with specific things to say to express love.

By providing this specific space and time for expressions of love, we hope to make it easier to express love at other times.

Here are a few ideas for how to let everyone express love at your family Valentine dinner.

• Get a piece of paper for each family member, and write one name on the top of each paper. Hand everyone one paper, and instruct them to write (AT THE BOTTOM) something they love about the family member who’s name is at the top. Why write at the bottom? Because the next step is to fold the paper over what they have written, and pass their paper to the next person. This way, nobody will see what the other person has written, and everything added will be unique.
  
• During the week before Valentine’s Day, set out a jar and strips of paper. Tell everyone to write something they love about each family member on individual strips. During your family Valentine dinner, take turns pulling papers out to read.
  
• Have everyone write a letter to each person before the dinner, or during the dinner.

• Print a picture of each person on its own piece of paper with a margin. Pass each picture around, and have each family member write one, two, or several things they love about that person.
  
• Make it super simple, and go around the table, asking everyone to say something nice about each person.
  
• Exchange small gifts to and from each other, and write or say something you love about the person as you exchange.
  
• Before Valentine’s Day, draw names. Leading up to the dinner, do acts of kindness for the name drawn. During dinner, ask everyone to reveal who’s name they had and encourage each family member to talk about what was done for them, what they did for others, and how they felt.
  
• Trace each family member’s hand on a piece of paper. All together, talk about that person’s positive attributes and write them on each finger.
  
• Cut out hearts ahead of time, and ask everyone to write something kind about each family member. Decorate the table with the hearts, and read them during the dinner.

What to Say When Expressing Love to Family Members

Some family members are going to jump on these activities with no further direction and no problems. And some will struggle to come up with anything to say. 

Either way, that’s okay. You can help both the reluctant and the excited family member express meaningful compliments and love with these guidelines and tips:

• “I love you” is always kind.
  
• Teasing can work sometimes, but it often falls flat. Unless you’re absolutely sure it will work, it’s normally better to stay away from this.
  
• Specific is always meaningful, and older children can start to do this. For example, saying, “You’re nice” is always kind. But if you say, “You’re nice because you share your treats with me,” that helps the recipient feel even more seen and loved.
  
• Complimenting appearance isn’t bad, and it’s often appreciated, but encourage family members to think beyond appearance as well.
  
• Gratitude is a great place to start when thinking about what you love about someone. Think about what they do that makes you feel good or appreciated, or something that lifts your burdens, and share that.

• Sharing a story about a person can make a big impact. For example, if you love someone’s stick-to-it-iveness, tell about the time that they kept practicing their instrument until they could perform their piece without fear.
  
• If people are stumped, share a list of adjectives to get minds going. Here are a few: kind, funny, silly, compassionate, helpful, hard working, ambitious, determined, easy-going, thoughtful, trustworthy, happy, generous, optimistic, loyal, cheerful, careful, sensitive, reliable.

How to Make a Special Family Valentine Dinner

The dinner itself? 

For us, it’s simple and easy. Neither my husband or I do anything to Pinterest level, and we’re okay with that. (We also absolutely love and adore families who excel at Pinterest-level activities, especially when they invite us to join!)

Here are a few simple guidelines. Feel free to fancy them up, or make them even simpler.

Choose a Dinner Everyone Loves

That way, nobody is coming to the table feeling frustrated about icky food. Introduce new food on another night. Make this night comfortable and safe. For us, we almost always make alfredo pasta.

Add a Special Element

Think of something that will make the meal feel more special. It could be special dinnerware, a special dessert, candles, music, or something else.

We always choose a fancy drink. We could find a fun recipe, but since we’re pretty basic, we most often choose a bottle of sparkling cider. Since this isn’t something we drink every night, it makes the evening feel just a little more fun.

Be Intentional About the Space

Clear the clutter off the table. If you have time to clear the clutter from the whole room, go for it. Having a clutter-free space makes the area feel more inviting. 

Do a little extra with the way you set the table. Again, you can go all out or keep it simple. We use a pretty tablecloth, fancy glasses, and some sort of centerpiece.

Normally, we ask our kids to help us with this part, or do it on their own. They like having the task of making the space beautiful, and it makes the dinner even more special.

Do It Your Way

There’s really no wrong way to do a special family Valentine dinner. You can make it as elaborate or as simple as you want. Follow your own personality and instincts to set aside an intentional time for expressing love.

And if you want a simple way to express love back and forth with your child, check out my back-and-forth journal. It’s a way to connect more deeply and learn about your child, while letting your child learn about you. Learn about the back-and-forth journal here.

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