Most moms I personally know struggle to identify their talents. I think there are a lot of reasons for this, but two stand out to me:
- Our children take so much time and energy that we stop doing the things that once excited us, and so we forget those areas where we used to excel.
- Motherhood is so full of things we may not be particularly suited for that we begin to see ourselves in a more negative light. We thought we’d be more patient, fun, or forgiving than we are, and we begin to feel we just suck at motherhood, and therefore, life.
And holy moley, when you don’t see yourself in a positive way, it’s really hard to remember your talents.
I don’t know if this a universal truth or anything, but it sure seems (to me) that this happens again and again as women step into motherhood.
Of course, we also gain new interests and talents along the way, as we encounter new life situations with kids.
But ask a mom what her talents are, and chances are she’s going to struggle to come up with an answer. She’ll probably be able to give you a long list of her weaknesses though.
In my back-and-forth journal for kids and caregivers, one of the prompts asks caregivers to list their talents. When I tested the journal, I received feedback from more than one mom that they really had to stop and think about those answers. They didn’t know their talents right away.
How Moms Can Discover Their Strengths
I think this is something that can be fixed, but it’s up to us to look at ourselves with loving eyes. It’s up to us to give ourselves permission to look for our strengths — and to celebrate them!
And for many of us, that’s a hecka hard thing to do!
Let me be clear: There’s no shame if you don’t know your strengths. Being nice to ourselves is something we were probably born knowing how to do, but along the way, that ability got pushed down and pushed down. We were told not to brag, and chastised if we were “too proud.” We felt bad when other people had “better” abilities than us. We were told we weren’t good at many things. We were told our dreams weren’t realistic. We were criticized if we stepped outside the norm (even though many talents actually live outside the norm!).
Then we became moms, and we were given the message that we have to be perfect at all the things. Do you know how much energy it takes to try and be perfect at all the things? And how frustrating it feels when you inevitably fall short of that perfection?
It’s demoralizing and disheartening.
It makes complete sense that over time, many of us lose ourselves and forget to see how awesome we are.
But like I say, I really think this can be fixed.
You do need a couple things though:
- You do have to want to know more about yourself.
- You do have to have curiosity, and even compassion, for yourself.
Ready?
Here is a two-part question to get you started. I have loads more, but we’ll just start with these to get our toes wet, shall we?
Get out a paper, or open up your notes app, and answer these questions to help you discover your strengths.
1. What Comes Easily to You?
I promise you: Something comes easily to you that doesn’t always come easily to others. This thing is probably so much a part of you that you don’t even realize it’s a talent. It’s just ordinary to you; nothing special in your eyes. After all, it doesn’t take any effort on your part.
It could be:
- Spotting grammatical errors without even trying
- Knowing the right colors for decorating a room
- Managing people
- Installing a car seat without reading directions, sweating, swearing, or crying
- Coming up with games to entertain your kids
- Planning events
- Bringing people together
- Giving fair evaluations
- Observing traffic patterns and quickly knowing the best way to go
- Finding your way around a new city
- Making a recipe better
- Fixing things around your house or in your car
- Making friends or talking to strangers
- Seeing the potential in somebody
- Seeing both sides to an issue
- Organizing your day
- Keeping things clean
- Organizing your things
- Finding deals
- Understanding political and/or world issues
- Feeling compassion for somebody
- Responding quickly in an emergency
- Picking up a new sport, or playing an old sport easily
- Running an organized meeting, or being able to get a messy meeting back on track
- Remembering names, dates, or other important information
- Staying on top of current events
- Growing things
- Caring for animals
- Public speaking
- Selling
- Creating things
- Finding the right words for situations
- Talking to kids
- Talking to old people
- Figuring out what’s bothering your kids
Have you thought of something yet? Something you just… do. You don’t even have to think about it. You’re the one who is frequently asked to do this thing in your family or at work. Or you volunteer to do it. Or you just up and do it without anyone noticing.
You might be saying, “Yeah, everyone can do this thing.” But I assure you, that’s not the case.
If you’re still struggling, think about the things your partner does, or doesn’t do, that aggravate you. Chances are, you’re so aggravated because you’re actually really good at those things!
Still not sure?
Think about the times somebody says, “How do you always do X?”
And you think, “I don’t know. I just do it.”
What thing can you do that might be hard to teach without a lot of thought, because it’s just something you know how to do? You’ve never had to take the time to think about the steps it takes to do this thing, because you just DO this thing with little effort.
Okay, do you have something (or somethings) written down?
If you’re struggling, send me an email (connect@rebeccabrownwright.com). I’m serious as can be. I have a talent for seeing strengths. If you can’t think of anything, I’ll ask you some questions until we find your strength. I’m not even trying to sell you anything. I promise. I just want you to know your strength.
2. What Strengths Are Within Your Strength?
So you’ve written down a few things. Now, break those things down further until you see even deeper strengths.
For example, I’m good at managing a lot of assignments, and I always have been. I get a thrill from slotting tasks into certain times of the day. When I was in college and studying for finals, I had a complete schedule of when to study and what material to study, when to write, when to sleep, and when to eat — broken down by the hour. I shared it with my more free-spirited roommates, and they were shocked. It had never occurred to them to organize their day like that, and it even made them uncomfortable. That was the first time I realized not everyone organizes their assignments in this way.
But it works for me, and I use the strength as a work-from-home mom. I’ve worked from home for 11 years, and a question I often get asked is, “How do you put in that many work hours and take care of your kids?” I do it by keeping my days very, very structured. There is no spontaneity during the week, and I thrive in that life. (Other people could do the same amount of work with a hefty dose of spontaneity thrown in, but that’s just not how I do things.)
So what’s the deeper strength here? Is it just that I can slot things into certain hours? I don’t think so. I think I have an ability to see into the future and map out my days so that everything gets done. (Lots of things fall by the wayside — like house cleaning and birthday-party planning. But that’s because those aren’t my strengths — assignments are.) That’s the deeper strength here. I’m not just good at organizing my assignments; I can see the big picture, and then break it down into manageable steps.
And it applies in countless areas of my life.
Now You!
So if grammatical errors pop out at you, begging to be noticed, it’s not just that you’re good at editing. You’re also good at noticing details, and that probably helps you in other areas of your life — like noticing the creepy guy at the park who doesn’t belong there, or noticing when somebody feels uncomfortable by something someone said. Maybe you’re good at detecting lies or sniffing out things that just don’t seem right.
If you can install a car seat without sweating or swearing, it’s not just that you can install a car seat. It’s that you can look at a physical or mechanical problem and know how to move your hands in the right ways to put it right. (I definitely don’t have this ability, and I envy people who do!) You’re probably also good at doing other things with your hands, like quickly cleaning up sudden messes, putting together furniture, and understanding objects and how to make them work.
If you’re good at finding deals, it’s not just that you know how to save money. It’s that you have a drive to research. You know how to think of the right search terms, you know who has information you need, and you know how to understand complicated information in a way that immediately benefits you. You’re probably also good at making careful, well-thought-out decisions. You’re probably good at expecting the best of yourself and others. You probably have a lot of energy, drive, and determination in other areas of your life as well.
I hope this is making sense. By the time you’re done, you should have a list of tasks that you do easily, and the deep strengths behind your natural abilities.
You have gobs and gobs of abilities just waiting to be noticed. I pinky promise you.
Again, send me an email (connect@rebeccabrownwright.com) if you’re struggling here. I’d love to help you.
And if you want to understand your child’s strengths more, start noticing them and commenting on them. Use this cute printable to get yourself started. Just enter your email below.
