I’ve gone and done it again.
I agreed to do something I don’t actually have time (or a desire) to do.
And I’m kicking myself, but it’s too late now, so I’ll do what I have to do.
The thing is, I’m surprised at myself for being in this position. I learned, after saying way too many yeses over the years, that there’s a simple-ish formula to not agree to everything that comes my way.
But this time, I didn’t follow the formula.
So I’m writing the formula out for myself, and maybe you’ll get something from it too.
How to Know Your Limits, and Be Okay with Them
or
How to Not Say Yes to Everything
or
How to Say No, For Cryin’ Out Loud
If you’re always finding yourself committing to things you’d rather not do, it may be because you don’t feel confident that you are enough as you are. And that’s okay. We’ve all been there, and will probably all be there again for a minute next week. It’s a process, this coming-to-know-yourself biznis. And most of that process is about our mindsets. And mindsets take time to evolve.
1. Give Yourself Grace
First of all, it’s important to let yourself be okay with not doing everything perfectly.
In my church, all adults are asked to contribute to the congregation in some way. Sometimes that means teaching 3-year-olds or adults. Sometimes that means planning activities. Sometimes that means leading an entire organization, accompanying the choir on the piano, leading the music, scheduling the building, managing a program, or something else.
These “jobs” are called callings, and we believe that God has a hand in choosing what we’re asked to do. We also believe that if we accept and follow through, God will bless our efforts. So you can imagine that if you’re really struggling with a particular calling, it can feel heavy.
My parents gave me a great gift when I was 20 and stressed out. I was home for the summer, and had been asked to fulfill two callings: the choir pianist and a family history specialist (which meant I helped people research their family trees). I was also working two jobs to save money for college, and I was worn out. I was having a difficult time doing both callings, but I didn’t feel like I could ask to quit. I felt like if I was stronger, or more faithful, or managed my time better, or something, that I’d be able to do everything asked of me. After all, God had a hand in doing the asking, right? Why would I be given more than I could handle?
But my parents saw me struggling and sat me down. They said I was doing my best, and sometimes it’s okay to not do everything. They suggested I share my stress with our bishop (like a pastor). I didn’t think I could do that. I had committed. I should be able to do all the things! But I listened to my parents, and when I told my bishop about everything on my plate, he recognized I had too much going on. He immediately asked if I would feel comfortable if I let one of the callings go.
It was such a relief to have the burden lifted. It was also a relief to be seen. And it taught me to see myself, value myself, and trust that I’m still great — even when I don’t do everything.
You may not be a member of my church, but you have commitments you feel obligated to fulfill. The commitments may be pressed upon you by the PTA, work, church, or the soccer team. Or they may be self-inflicted commitments. Perhaps you think you need to have a cleaner house than you’re currently capable of managing. Maybe you think your kids should be dressed better, remember to say “please” and “thank you” more often, or be able to ride a bike by now. It could be that you expect yourself to take the manager position, run a marathon, or make your own bread every week.
But remember what my parents said. You don’t have to do all the things. In fact, you can’t. Accept that truth, and give yourself heaps of grace for not living up to others’ expectations (real or imaginary). Change your own expectations about yourself. Be happy with doing you really well. It’s enough.
And in fact, it’s better!
2. Recognize Your Feelings
That thing I’ve agreed to do? It’s a big one. It involves lots of organizing and planning and managing of people and time. And when I was asked to do it, I felt icky. I didn’t want to do it. But I also felt valued that I’d be asked. And I felt a little guilty that if I said no, they might not be able to find someone else to do it.
None of those feelings were the right motivation to say yes. Feeling icky should have been my first signal to say, “Thanks, but no thanks.” When I missed that, I should have examined just why I felt valued. If I had, I would have realized there was a little bit of an ego thing going on.
And when the guilt crept in, I should have kicked it to the curb where it belonged. It wasn’t invited, and it didn’t belong.
But I ignored each feeling, and said yes — mostly out of guilt. And now, the person who asked me has no idea I regret saying yes, but I have to saddle up for the next few months and manage a big project that’s going to take me away from my family. It’s going to sap my energy. And it’s going to stress me out.
All because I felt a little guilty at the moment I was asked. When you think about it, I actually opted for months of stress, just so I wouldn’t have to feel guilty for a moment.
That’s nuts.
3. What Are You Capable of?
It’s not a weakness if you aren’t capable of doing the thing you were asked to do. I was asked to do this big thing because it involves art, and I know about and like art. But I don’t do a good job at managing huge projects and people. And I know that! To others, I seemed like an obvious choice for the project because of my interests, but I do better as a worker bee, not the queen bee.
And that’s okay.
You don’t have to bake cupcakes for the bake sale if you’re a terrible baker. You can bring tablecloths or collect money (or do nothing at all, if you’re not into bake sales).
You don’t have to have to be the PTA president if you’d rather be behind the scenes. You don’t have to go on the field trip if you can’t stand other people’s kids.
And you don’t have to do anything that eats into the time that’s set aside for your high priorities in life.
You just don’t.
4. What Do You WANT to Do?
Maybe this should have been the first thing I said.
Because you deserve to do what you want to do.
You really do.
If you have no other reason to say no, other than you just really don’t want to do the thing, there’s nothing wrong with that.
You have a busy life filled with serving and managing/co-managing your family. That doesn’t even take your employment, hobbies, self-care, or household obligations into account. If you don’t want to take on an extra thing that doesn’t help you or your family, you don’t have to!
Now, of course, we’re all going to have obligations thrown on us that we don’t want that require us to just suck it up and handle them — sicknesses, financial crises, disasters, etc. But I’m talking about the extras — the outside requests and the internal pressures.
If you don’t want to do them, you don’t have to.
If you’re struggling to believe me, I understand. It took me a long time to believe these things, myself. (And I still take on too much from time to time, obviously.) But trust me. You don’t have to be perfect. You don’t have to do all the things. You just don’t have to.
The next time you’re pressuring yourself to do something extra, or you’re asked to do another thing, think of these four things:
- Give yourself grace
- Recognize your feelings
- Understand what you’re capable of
- Ask yourself what you want to do
It’s okay if you ultimately accept the extra thing, and it’s also okay if you say no. I promise.
If you want to brighten your child’s or your partner’s day, grab this printable, fill it out, and leave it on their mirror or pillow. But only if you want to. Remember, you don’t have to do all the things. =) But if you’re looking to connect with someone in your family, this will be a meaningful way to make a quick, hassle-free impact. Just fill in the form below, and the downloads will be sent to your inbox.
