If I could wave a magic wand and fix this messy world, I’d sprinkle empathy dust on every person. When I see fights happening, or when people try to pull me into a fight, I rarely see anyone taking the other person’s perspective. And I rarely see them caring about that person’s perspective once it’s been shared.
I’m sure there’s lots of empathy going around too — I’ve experienced plenty from others — but lack of empathy is severely hurting us as individuals, and as a collective.
When it comes to parenting, I think it’s safe to say we all want our children to be empathetic towards others. We want them to care about people who are less fortunate than them. It’s our hope that they’ll feel sad when their sibling is sad, and try to help them feel better. We want them to care about social injustices, like racism and sexism and so much more.
And thankfully, there are plenty of ways for kids to learn empathy. But if you’re feeling overwhelmed by all the things we need to teach our children, stress a little less by focusing on just one important way for kids to learn empathy: cultivating empathy in yourself, and sharing it with your children.
{Want to stop yelling? Check out this course.}
Have Empathy for Your Enemy
Enemy… that is kind of an extreme word. In my mind, it conjures up wars and people who actively seek to do bodily harm to you.
But sometimes, an enemy can be someone who has a different political belief. Our world has become so polarized lately that we’re treating others as enemies.
Don’t get me wrong. Some political beliefs are dangerous. And some do cause bodily harm to groups of people. This is tricky ground we’re navigating, because political beliefs go deep in what they advocate in terms of treatment of other people.
And now that political beliefs are so polarized, it can be ridiculously hard to see where another person is coming from.
But the thing is, this is the state of our world now, and we can either add to the continued divide, or we can attempt to see something from another perspective.
We can see our political “enemy” as someone who is responding from fear — fear of their power being taken away, fear of their life changing, fear of the unknown. Maybe we can see our political enemy as someone who hasn’t experienced the things we’ve experienced. We can have compassion for where they’re coming from, even if we hate where they are.
This isn’t easy, but think of it like this: What if your child grows up and decides they share the beliefs of your political enemy? You won’t stop loving them, and you won’t stop trying to understand them — even if it breaks your heart that they believe the things they believe.
I don’t have the how-to on this, but I do know that we each have to at least try to see where others are coming from. Not only will this heal the world, it’s an important way for children to learn empathy.
One Important Note
One important note, since I am speaking mostly in general terms: It may feel harmful to put yourself in someone else’s shoes, especially if that person or group of people is abusing you or a group you’re a part of. This is certainly an issue with multiple nuances. For example, nobody should encourage marginalized groups to try and understand where racist groups are coming from. Individual members of marginalized groups can decide what they want to feel, but nobody should make a blanket statement that they should try and have empathy for their oppressors.
Listen. Don’t Solve Everything.
Ooooh I just hate it when someone jumps in to tell me how to solve my problem before they even fully understand it. It shuts down communication so quickly, and it makes me feel unimportant.
{Listen to my podcast episode: Listen. Stop Trying to Solve Everything}
One important way for children to learn empathy is to be given empathy from others. When you make an effort to hear them out, you demonstrate that you’re trying to understand. You show that what they have to say is important to you. And you show them that you’re here for it all — even if it’s uncomfortable.
Do your best to listen — truly listen — to your children, without trying to solve their problems for them. This is a critical skill in empathy, and as you extend it to your child, they’ll learn to do it for others.
“It Could Be Worse” — The Ultimate Empathy Crusher
When my youngest was a baby, he suffered from a failure to thrive. The cause was mysterious for a long time, and his weight loss was severe. It was an incredibly difficult time, where each individual feeding felt like life or death.
During this time, I was lonely, scared, and so helpless.
Many, many people offered support, which made me feel so loved. There was very little anybody could actually do for our family — all we needed was for our boy to get healthy.
But even though there was very little to do, I was so uplifted by those around me. Six years later, the memories that stand out to me the most are the ones where people just said a simple variation of, “This is hard. I’m sorry.”
There was lots of advice — some of it even lifesaving — and I’m so grateful for the (good) advice too.
But the thing that got me through the most emotionally challenging times was when people simply recognized how hard it was and mourned with me.
Conversely, any time somebody said, “At least it’s not as bad as…”, it was crushing. I was in the most emotionally fragile time of my life, and those comments made me doubt myself. Was I making this into a bigger deal than it was? Did I whine? Was I a nuisance?
Telling somebody it could be worse is the opposite of empathy, and our children don’t need it.
When your teen gets a bad grade, don’t say, “Well, at least you don’t have to pay a mortgage.”
If your toddler cries after falling, don’t say, “You didn’t hurt yourself that bad.”
Your kid feels sad because they didn’t get picked to play kickball at recess? Don’t say, “There are children who don’t even have a field to play on.”
Because the thing is, it could always be worse. And we all know that. But when we’re struggling, we don’t need to be reminded of that. We’ll put it all into perspective when the time is right for us, but in the moment? We need to be held, loved, and safe.
Remember Your Childhood
Do you remember what it was like to be a little kid? To be smaller than everyone else? To be told what you could do and when you could do it?
Do you remember what it was like to be a teen? To want your freedom so badly? To wish to be prettier/more popular/smarter/whatever?
You may or may not have many specific memories to look back on, but I bet you can remember general feelings.
I remember the dentist asking me how old I was. When I proudly told him I was five AND A HALF (emphasis on half), he chuckled at me and commented on my need to state the half. Until then, I didn’t know that was strange. But after that moment, I felt small and insignificant in his chair.
This is a small thing, but these types of things happen to our kids every single day. Adults forget what it’s like to be small and powerless.
We can’t predict how our kids are going to react to our responses (I’m sure the dentist meant no harm and would have been sad to know he made me feel bad), but we can do our best to remind ourselves that their feelings and problems are real.
When they cry at the ending of a sad movie, that’s real pain. If their friend stops talking to them, that’s real hurt. When they want to stay up late, that’s a real desire.
The more we remind ourselves of these truths, the better we’ll be able to treat our children with empathy. And while there are countless ways to teach empathy to our children, one critical way for kids to learn empathy is to be shown empathy by their parents.
Learn more about your child so you can offer even more connected empathy with my back-and-forth journal. Each prompt encourages you and your child to have fun while going deep into what you each feel and who you are.