Podcast Transcript #11: Stop Calling Men’s Work at Home “Help”

Hello, and welcome to Pause and Connect. I’m Rebecca Brown Wright, and this is episode #11: Stop Calling Men’s Work at Home “Help”

I want to start this off by saying if you haven’t listened to episode 3, “Housekeeping Is Not Motherhood,” you might want to go there first. Or after. But it would be helpful to have that background to support this episode.

{Read the Viral Post: Housekeeping Is Not Motherhood}

This is an episode about something that I think is really harmful to families.

And it’s about how we use the word “help” when we’re talking about men at home. Men’s work at home isn’t “help.”

In episode 3, where I talk about how housekeeping is not motherhood, we got a really good conversation started by more correctly identifying to whom housekeeping belongs. 

The summary is that housekeeping is an adult responsibility. It is NOT synonymous with motherhood.

And in that episode, I suggested that the reason we keep having this issue of mom= housekeeper is because of what we expect of men.

So I want to continue that conversation, and boldly say that we need to stop expecting men to “help” with childcare and household chores.

Men’s work at home isn’t “help.”

Wait! Keep listening

Because here’s what I mean.

We need to be careful of how we use the word “help.”

In heterosexual relationships, when we say that male partners “help” around the house or with the kids, we are implying that the housework and childcare belongs exclusively to women.

So when the male partner changes a diaper or cooks a meal, he’s “helping” his female partner with what has been deemed her responsibility alone.

But let’s keep in mind that men’s work at home isn’t “help.” 

An Example of This Phenomenon

On December 4, many years ago, my husband became a father and I became a mother. On December 3 of that same year, we both shared household responsibilities pretty equally. And nobody really thought much of it. 

But beginning that December, I began to be told how my husband was such a great “help.”

When he cooked dinner, changed diapers, and cleaned the house while I recovered, he was all of a sudden “helping me.”

It was literally that sudden — one day we were not parents. The next, we were. As a mother, society immediately slapped me with dozens of household and childcare responsibilities. As a father, society celebrated him for “helping” me with those.

Huh? How does that even make sense?

We were the same people, with the same relationship. But now, because I was a mother and he was a father, all of the household responsibilities belonged to me. 

And if he did any of them, he was “helping” me.

On December 5th, the day after we became parents, how could he be “helping ME” by doing the same responsibilities we were adequately sharing on December 3?

The only thing that was different was that society raised my expectations one hundredfold, and reduced him to a simple supporting role.

And that’s so sad! Why are we accepting that the men in heterosexual relationships are just the background of family life? We shouldn’t be okay when men know nothing about how the household runs. Why do we roll our eyes or laugh and say, “Men” and then go about our days picking up after them, doing all the work, and feeling grateful when they load the dishwasher?

I want to say that I am lucky, because I have a very good husband who WANTS to share the household responsibilities equally. He goes out of his way to make sure he is. So maybe that’s why I’ve had the time to think about this concept. Maybe that’s why I’m so passionate about it.

Because people look at our marriage, and they say I have no idea how good I have it. If I complain that my workload is heavy, they tell me to stop, because at least I have a husband who “helps” out around the house.

And it bothered me for years that people would be so condescending about our relationship, and about me as a woman. I seriously had people telling me or suggesting that I was ungrateful, lazy, etc.

All because I have a husband who does the same amount of work as me at home.

Why Is Our Standard for Men So Low?

Why is our standard for men so low? If a woman has a husband who shares in the household labor, she’s LUCKY? Why? That should BE the standard! The standard should be that heterosexual couples share the household labor and childcare, not that one shoulders the bulk of the responsibility. 

Why do we criticize and try to pull a woman down if she’s “lucky” in our current standard and actually has a male partner who shares the load with her?

I’m going to say this clearly. It should not be LUCKY to have a husband who does the same amount of work as you at home. That should be the standard. And before you say, “But,” I recognize that every couple is different in the time and abilities they have. In some families it might make more sense for one person to do more at home than the other. 

But in this episode, we’re talking about the generals. We’re talking about how it’s harmful that we’ve created a culture where men can get by with doing a fraction of what women do, and women are supposed to feel “lucky” for it. 

So the fact that sharing responsibilities equally is NOT the standard is the problem. And that’s what we should be talking about, not criticizing the apparently few women who have male partners who share the housework.

So that’s why the word “help” is so gross to me.

Flip the Script

My husband doesn’t “help” me when he does the dishes. That’s OUR job together. It doesn’t belong to me. He doesn’t “help” me if he takes the kids to school in the morning, which he does, because the kids are not my responsibility alone. He’s doing a parenting duty, just like I’m doing a parenting duty when I pick the kids up in the afternoon. He doesn’t “help” me if he takes the kids to the dentist, which he does. Those kids belong to both of us. They are not my responsibility alone.

If this concept is still a little troubling or confusing, just flip the language. Nobody would ever see me at the dentist with my kids and say, “Oh, how nice you’re helping your husband!” But guess what? When my husband does take the kids to the dentist, that’s exactly what they say to him: “Oh, how nice you’re helping out your wife.” Or, “Is Mom busy today?” There’s always the assumption that Mom handles the kids and the house, and we need to stop that.

Still a little troubling? Flip it again. Nobody would watch me make dinner and say to my husband, “Oh, you’re so lucky she helps out around the house.”

Nobody would EVER say that.

In fact, something similar to this happened to me once. I used to teach piano lessons until about 6:30 or 7:00 at night. I did this without childcare, so I would often have my baby on my lap. It was hard. Someone saw my husband come home from work at about 6:00 and start preparing dinner, and then said to me, “It’s nice he helps you, but don’t you think your husband deserves to come home to a home-cooked meal?”

This was as they watched me working until 6:30 or 7:00. WITH the baby on my lap. Like, what kind of crazy standard is this? That my husband can go away and work all day long, but shouldn’t be expected to lift a finger when he gets home? But I can work all day long with a baby on my lap, and then should STILL be expected to handle every aspect of home life?

So wacky!

So if nobody would ever watch me clean a bathroom and say to my husband, “Oh, it’s so nice your wife knows how to clean.” And nobody would ever watch me pick up the kids from school and say to my husband, “Oh, it’s so nice your wife helps you with the kids,” then why do we say it when men do it?

In fact, the opposite happens! People might listen to this episode, find out my husband takes the kids to school and I only pick up, and then criticize me for “making” him do too much. Or they might criticize me for “letting” my husband clean the bathrooms.

Listen, ladies in heterosexual relationships: It’s not a “help” when your husband cleans up, cooks, or takes care of the kids. It’s a person doing what needs to be done with the responsibilities that belong to them.

Just like it’s not a help when YOU do all those things. It’s a person handling life.

Every Partnership Is Different

Now, a little clarification:

Like I said, each partnership divides chores in different ways. And there can certainly be help going both ways if one partner helps another with agreed-upon responsibilities. This is not a judgment on how you and your partner divide what needs to be done. You do you, and do what works in your home. 

So, for example, my husband cleans the bathrooms. But if he’s having a busy week, I might help him by doing it for him. I do the laundry, but if I’m having a busy week, my husband might help me by doing it for me. Help is possible and necessary in a relationship. It’s a help when he steps in to do something we already agreed I would do. It’s a help when he takes one of my responsibilities off my plate temporarily. But it’s not a help when he just shares the regular household and childcare duties with me. Just like it’s not a help when I do those same things. 

But when talking in a broader sense, we can reduce unfair societal expectations on women while elevating men to more involved partnerships, by eliminating the word “help” in this context.

Men Aren’t Dumb Oafs

We’re expecting WAY too much of moms, and we’re relegating dads to these dumb oafs who don’t know which way is up. Men aren’t idiots. They’re not incapable. By assuming the household and childcare belong to moms, we’re taking important opportunities away from men. We’re letting them be unobservant and even selfish. We’re expecting so little of them. Why would we do this? And why are men not recognizing that’s what’s happening?

Our society has created this, and we need to point it out if we’re going to change it.

Just like my piano lesson story, it’s absolutely ridiculous that somebody would think a mother should make dinner for her male partner, simply because she is a woman, while ignoring all the reasons why the mother isn’t able to do it. It’s absolutely ridiculous that we expect mothers to carry the entire burden of the household and children and husband all on her shoulders.

And it’s absolutely ridiculous we don’t expect more of men. Another example is when I leave town, people will ask if my husband can manage everything. When he leaves town, nobody asks me that.

Why? 

One of the reasons is because we keep on calling men’s work at home a “help.”

If we keep saying “help,” then we keep placing these responsibilities on the woman’s shoulders.

How to Change This Mindset

Here are simple ways to start to change this mindset if you’re a woman:

The next time your girlfriend’s husband cleans up the dishes, fight the urge to comment on how nice it is that he’s “helping.”

When your partner tidies the living room, say, “Thanks, babe,” instead of, “Thanks for helping ME, babe.”

When your partner solves a sibling squabble among the kids, say, “That was great,” instead of, “Thanks for helping ME with that.”

As women, we have to see this ourselves. We have to stop assuming the house and children are our responsibility alone, and stop using the word “help” in a way that indicates it’s our job. 

For example, ask your kids to sweep the kitchen. Not to “help you out” by sweeping the kitchen. Ask your husband to start taking the kids to school. Not to “help you out” by taking the kids to school. 

It’s a perspective shift, but it’s an important one.

And it gets the whole family to stop viewing the house and kids as “Mom’s job.” The next thing, is that your husband needs to start seeing the house and children not just as not your job, but as his job too. Something that can help with this is to sit down and list everything you’re doing. If you see that you’re in a situation where you’re doing all the household and childcare things as the mom, write it all out. Include things like buying birthday gifts and remembering to switch out the kids’ clothing every season. Show it to your partner. 

This is important, even if you stay at home and your husband works outside the home. When he’s home, he should be sharing in the household chores and childcare. Making that list will make it more clear who is doing what, and how you can find better solutions.

My husband and I have always strived for equality in our marriage, but even still, in the beginning I was taking on way more than I should have. I’m a product of our society too, and I just took on a lot of the traditional wife and mom things. When I wrote it all out and showed my husband, we were both shocked. He hated that this was happening to me, so we divided the list more fairly. Men, if you’re listening to this, you should hate it if your wife is doing more than you. It should make you uncomfortable, and you should want to change.

If you’re a man listening to this, it’s really on you to change this dynamic in your family and in our society. If you don’t already, it’s time to view your household and childcare actions as part of your adulthood, rather than as “helping” your female partner.

Ask for the list. Get ready to feel uncomfortable. Be willing to take on more, to see more, to do more.

There is nothing about being a man that makes men unable to see dust on the bookshelf or smell a poopy diaper. We like to say that men are just unobservant, or that women are just better at multitasking. But in reality, we’ve just expected so little of men in this area — and so MUCH of women — that men get a free pass. Maybe they DON’T observe what needs to be done, but it’s not because they’re idiots. They’re smart, and they can teach themselves to be equal partners. Men, don’t let your maleness be an excuse for leaving all the work on your female partner. Train yourself to notice. Train yourself to actively share in the duties.

Every time you think you’re “helping” your female partner when you do something in the house or with the kids, remind yourself it’s not help. It’s already your job. 

For both women and men, do you see how taking the word “help” out of these contexts shifts things? It removes the expectation that the woman is responsible for every little thing.

If this is still confusing, we used to say that dads babysit their kids. For the most part, we don’t really accept that language anymore. How can a dad babysit his own children, right? They’re his children. They’re his responsibility. We understand how this language is harmful now, and as a society, we’re moving away from it. 

So it’s the same with the house. How can a dad “help” when he runs the vacuum only when his wife asks? It’s his house. His responsibility. It’s not “helping.”

Because housework is an adult responsibility, not a mother’s. And men’s work at home isn’t “help.”